i dont think i can handle this marriage any longer...im not even sure i still love him...but that could simply be because i am angry at the moment...
my hsuband is sitting behind me cussing and yelling and ing about money....
i took his debit card away and hid it yesterday...because he once again, for the 5 time this MONTH, over drew our account.
in case some of you dont know (i posted it already once i think) ill break down our budget...
in a month
he brings home about 1000
rent is 640 something.
electric is 180
grocerys 200
ciggarettes for him when we can sometimes afford it 100 (i have quit, because we CANT afford it, but he refuses to)
phone 10$ but its in my moms bill and my mom doesnt make me pay it if i cant.
thats IT.
already we pay out more than what we have...and constantly borrow from friends, family, payday advances, and direct deposit advances....and god forbid anything unexpected happen in which we need more money for
well, right now his complaint is that HE has no EXTRA spending money...
well im sorry. NEITHER DO I.
i couldnt even afford to get our 5 year old school supplies. my mom paid for ALL of it.
so...i just gave him an ultimatum...i told him to think about it all day....and to tell me tonight after ayla goes to bed...
i told him that if he wanted all 'his money' back again (we were split up for 6 months last year and i didnt get any of 'his' money) and he wanted to spend all of 'his' money on crap, like mc donalds, monster drinks, and random candy and junk thruought the day....then to just TELL Me...and ill give him back his debit card, me and ayla will move back in with my mother, and then he can do it all by himself. and have all the extra money he wants...
then of course...being my husband he says 'oh thats nice' and stomps away....
am i being mean here? this is not the first time this has happend. we have been married 3 years. and of those three years, i have been hospitalized for suiside 6 times (i have NEVER been admited to the hosptial before i met and married him) we fight constantly...arguing over stupid things over and over and over again...
we just got food stamps...and aparently he thinks 'oh good we have food stamps now i can spend MORE money' im sorry thats just now how it works...
for those of you who dont know...my husband has mental retardation (im not saying it as an insult. he was in his mothers birth canal for way too long and was oxygen deprived for almost 8 minutes when he was born)
i am just at my wits end...
the only thing holding me back...is my daughter. her school is here...my moms house is 25-30 minutes away...granted, the food stamps are in my name, so my husband wont have those, so i suppose i can help my mom pay for her gas, by buying grocerys for her. but that wont work forever. and my duaghter LOVES this school and her teacher and already has many friends...is it selfish of me to want to take her away from all that to get away from my husband?
we are in marriage councelling...the councellor says give it time, but we havnt seen him for a week or so.
or do you think this is still savable? could a weekend (or week long) marriage retreat help? a vacation together? or even simply time APART?
any advice is greatly apreciated....thank you...
*PS* NOW, he is ing at me for having a ciggarette because of all the stress. and he also demands that i take it outside which im not going to because HE smokes in the damn house!
I think letting him have the responsibility of paying the bills is a very good idea, because fail or not, he will learn something he needs to know. Hey if you have nothing, what can you lose.
Just make sure you step back, but support him as a good wife should.
Confession- I learned my lesson very well, and I suspect so will he.
Jennie ,where I live they are always looking for home aides.
The training is paid and they try to work with you to send you to places that you can travel to on a bus.
They also work within your schedule,so that would be good for your daughter.
You can work as little or as much as you need.
Basically,you do some personal care,bathing and such and light grocery shopping and housecleaning and perhaps make a light meal and do laundry.
I know there is a large elderly population in Arizona so they may have a substantial need for aides.
Just a thought.
You can also use your training to work in a nursing home or residential facility for the disabled.
thats what i think tal, whether he does it, or fails trying, he will learn something from it. if nothing else he will learn WHY we have no extra money for him to be spending freely.
thats an excellent idea arty i will look into it. i volunteered at the school this morning, and found out from the lady who organizes the volunteers that SOME positions are paid. the cafeteria isnt hiring right now, but there are office jobs that may be hiring, and janitor jobs, and classroom aides (not teachers aids, as that requires a degree) that are paid. granted they arent paid much. but its some. so i will be talking to the lady who handles all of that this afternoon after school (she isnt there early in the mornings)
You can do bad by yourself. In fact, you might find that you will do better without him. Do you have a job? If not, then get one or go back to school if you have not finished. A working mom in school qualifies for soo much financial assistance...furthermore you may qualify for foodstamps and other social services without him. A friend of mine had a similar situation to yours. Her husband wanted to live a lavish lifestyle in a house they could not afford and refused to sell. He wanted extravagant trips, parties, and clubbing, but they couldn't afford groceries and their bills even though they worked everyday. She left him-took her kids and moved to a 1 bedroom apartment. Everyone thought she was crazy-3 kids in a 1 bedroom apartment. She scaled her lifestyle back and lived that way for over a year until she had enough money to buy a small home for herself. I'm an advocate of marriage, but if he's a looser that is unwilling to change and not bringing in enough money to make an impact in the family budget you can do fine on your own. Have the courage to become empowered to do it by yourself. His child support payments will help you. Your daughter will respect you for it one day.
One more thought on this..regarding your daughter. I'm a mom too-have a five year old. I understand the thought of moving her is difficult, however young children are amazing at adjusting and recovering. Better to do it now than wait until she's older. Older children have a more difficult time and do not adjust a quickly. Young kids make friends easy..bigger kids have more difficulty in leaving old friends behind. You gotta think long term.
You can do bad by yourself. In fact, you might find that you will do better without him. Do you have a job? If not, then get one or go back to school if you have not finished. A working mom in school qualifies for soo much financial assistance...furthermore you may qualify for foodstamps and other social services without him. A friend of mine had a similar situation to yours. Her husband wanted to live a lavish lifestyle in a house they could not afford and refused to sell. He wanted extravagant trips, parties, and clubbing, but they couldn't afford groceries and their bills even though they worked everyday. She left him-took her kids and moved to a 1 bedroom apartment. Everyone thought she was crazy-3 kids in a 1 bedroom apartment. She scaled her lifestyle back and lived that way for over a year until she had enough money to buy a small home for herself. I'm an advocate of marriage, but if he's a looser that is unwilling to change and not bringing in enough money to make an impact in the family budget you can do fine on your own. Have the courage to become empowered to do it by yourself. His child support payments will help you. Your daughter will respect you for it one day.
This guy is NOT a "looser", he is mentally retarded. He does the best he can, and should be commended, not left out in the cold. Please read the entire history of a post before making accusations.
This guy is NOT a "looser", he is mentally retarded. He does the best he can, and should be commended, not left out in the cold. Please read the entire history of a post before making accusations.
First of all, this is my first day ever using this site. I responded to what I was able to see. If he is mentally retarded he should be commended; however that does not change her situation. She appears to be struggling with a person that does not bring value to the relationship. Instead it appears that he brings stress. It's not cool to have to live in debt and ask others for assistance all the time. If she wants to continue in her marriage with him, then they both need to make some sacrifices and some changes.
First of all, this is my first day ever using this site. I responded to what I was able to see. If he is mentally retarded he should be commended; however that does not change her situation. She appears to be struggling with a person that does not bring value to the relationship. Instead it appears that he brings stress. It's not cool to have to live in debt and ask others for assistance all the time. If she wants to continue in her marriage with him, then they both need to make some sacrifices and some changes.
The posts are there for you to read, just take the time. You will have a more complete view of what is going on rather than only what's on this last page and jumping in and calling him a "looser". If you go back and read the whole thread, you will see that he does bring value to the relationship if for no other reason than being a willing partner. This person is here asking for help in making her marriage work because she doesn't want to leave him if they can work through this and she needs guidance on how to do it; something more substantial than essentially saying "Leave him".
First of all, this is my first day ever using this site. I responded to what I was able to see. If he is mentally retarded he should be commended; however that does not change her situation. She appears to be struggling with a person that does not bring value to the relationship. Instead it appears that he brings stress. It's not cool to have to live in debt and ask others for assistance all the time. If she wants to continue in her marriage with him, then they both need to make some sacrifices and some changes.
You should probably read the complete post before you respond.
It does change her situation. She married and was aware of the additional challenges that she could face in marriage. She stepped up to the challenge when she said 'I do'. There isn't anything really to indicate that her husband isn't trying with her. He just isn't understanding that he is busting his hump, she is at home and he can't even get shaving cream without permission.
Her husband is also not Ayla's father, so she can't receive child support from him. By the way, Jennie, why are you not receiving from Ayla's father. You should also be pursuing that.
What is he 'looser' than? You call someone a loser and it is you who can't even spell it?
First of all, this is my first day ever using this site. I responded to what I was able to see. If he is mentally retarded he should be commended; however that does not change her situation. She appears to be struggling with a person that does not bring value to the relationship. Instead it appears that he brings stress. It's not cool to have to live in debt and ask others for assistance all the time. If she wants to continue in her marriage with him, then they both need to make some sacrifices and some changes.
The previous posts are there for a reason. It's never a good idea to go to a thread with many responses and just pass over them.
The responses tell the whole story, it's important to read them, that way you don't say something someone else has already said and you don't make hurtful comments either.
Calling someone a loser when he's doing his best to support his family, not cool.
He is the only working member of his household, he brings in very little and doesn't really ask for a lot. If an occasional meal at McDonalds makes someone a loser, then sign me up.
thanks for the support everyone. i wasnt entirely sure what to say to 'bettybranch'
justy, her biological father has a court order to pay 158 a month for child support, and he did for a few years into her life, but stopped completely. from what i understand, they dont know where he is. *grr* i dont know where he is, but i know from his myspace that he has a new girlfriend who he is getting married to (or has already married) so, if she is working, and he is not, that would explain why his wages arent being garnished anymore. very frustrating.
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