My wife says i don't fill the empathy 'best friend' hole in her life, and has moved out to live at her parents, but doesn't want a divorce yet. I had finally convinced her to go to Marriage Counseling next week. I've been calling her daily, but she doesn't want to have 'heavy' conversations, just light conversations about daily stuff. She moved out for a week last month, she would come home every day and we'd cuddle, but she'd spend the night at her parents house. She told me she was upset that I didn't call her during that time.

I've been putting old love photos on her dashboard of her car while she's at work, and other little things to show her that I still love her.

Do I need to not talk to her at all until the marriage counseling. I'm so confused. It doesn't seem like anything I can say will fix anything. She doesn't want to stay at home because sex confuses her mind and makes her want to stay with me, and she says she needs a clear head, and to 'rediscover herself'.

I understand that the 'no contact' rule applies after a breakup, but a marriage seperation (or whatever this is)? ??

Jake2008

All very valid points absolutely.

I hope that you get a committment to change from her, and that she is seriously going to try. If she is, there is nothing on that list that cannot be accomplished.

She may be overwhelmed, in which case, maybe just introduce the list as something she can add to, or take away from, and that the list itself, can be negotiated. Have a copy for her, and maybe the therapist as well.

Also consider that, not to overwhelm her, let her know that you don't expect to accomplish everything right off, but together, by a certain time, a working list, with reasonable dates to accomplish the goals you have both decided upon.

Success will build upon success, and seeing goals actually met, and this 'meeting of the minds' to accomplish them, will really encourage more and more trying and and the results will be so worth the effort.

But, the basics first. A schedule, or plan, definate goals, and a reasonable time frame.

I think you're working hard, and in the right direction.

talaniman

Leave her alone, and stick to the therapy. Rushing thru the process will ultimately be a disaster and you will miss a lot of things that you need to pay attention too. Making demands and expecting instant results is a recipe for confusion, and resentment.

Buddy if you don't slow down, and learn to listen, your going to rush headlong over a cliff. Not only is your logic flawed, selfish and one sided, but self serving as well.

Leave her alone to process herself, and her actions, so she can recognize the adjustments she needs to make.

Take baby steps, and pay attention, because this isn't about you and what you want, but growth, and building communications so you can get answers.

Your taking a narrow view on a bigger picture.

dustdevil

So the list is a bad idea for tomorrow? Trying to come up with a game plan. I haven't visited her parents house since she left 6 weeks ago.

Slow down and learn to listen to her? The only thing I'm hearing from her is that she needs to find herself and her happiness. Why that has to occur at the exclusion of me is bewildering.

Aside from the list. My original goal was to have her take some career interest tests and try to narrow down what hobbies she might be interested in, so she can try a shotgun approach of trying a bunch of new activities/hobbies and find out what she likes.

If I leave everything to her, she won't talk about relationship stuff or anything at all. Therapist said she is the pace car, but also said that the pace car is stalled.

talaniman

Thats what I'm talking about you making decisions for her that work for you, but not her.

Let her fix her own car, so she learns how to do it and you fix yourself and find some patience.

She isn't the only one to benefit from some hobbies it seems.

Your too pushy. Way too pushy, and its overwhelming.

Gemini54

Hey Dusty, we all need to find our OWN happiness. If your wife finds happiness to the exclusion of you that may well be very good, because it may mean she is finding herself, but not necessarily excluding you , which is how you see it.

You don't have to BE her happiness, but you can be in her life and make her happy. Do you get the difference?

Just as an aside, if I was feeling confused and worried about my marriage, I would not appreciate my husband giving me a list of hobbies or career interests. It's much too soon for that.

Let the process take its own course - the car may be stalled, but it will fire up again.

Try and be patient.

dustdevil

Thank you for your replies. If I seem daft, I'm having some difficulty fully comprehending the metaphors, and some of the answers seem ambiguous.

I know that we need to find our own happiness. I define that happiness as lifestyle and activities. More or less 'hobbies'.

I know that you don't seek and base your happiness on someone else.

I'm saying, why does she need to find her hobbies/lifestyle outside of the house if that's truely the problem. I encourage her to do anything that she might enjoy. Why is finding these, and being with me mutually exclusive? She has no responsibilities at home. She can go out whenever she wants. She has 3-4 hours of MORE free time at my home per day than at her parents house (because of her longer commute to work)

The therapist suggested she take up hobbies/activities to help with her depression (She won't take pills for depression, nor has she been diagnosed, but she always seems depressed due to her lack of interest in anything).

I also feel that she hasn't had time to really 'process' or whatever because she's been spending her time with some other guy instead of working on our marriage. At least in the first week or two of the seperation we were going on dates and doing things. Now when I wait week after week for therapy, and nothings different, it just makes me want to kick it in the pants.

As a side note, I'm also concerned because I do not make enough money on unemployment to pay all of the bills for the house she left since she cutoff her paycheck. I'm slowly draining my savings account, and I have 1 month left of unemployment payments (With a likely, but not guaranteed 5 month extension). Whereas before, if we were together, I could accept a job that pays $12/hr and we could get by, now I can't settle for anything less than 25$/hr, which is very difficult in this economy, so I'm stressed out.

talaniman

Those are the issues you have and this is the perfect time to deal with them and resolve some of your stress. Thats better than letting it ruin your relationship. Financial stress is the #1 cause of divorces. Especially for those who live beyond their means. Yes the economy is lousy, but no excuse for couples to not work together, thru honest communications so they can build together.

I think your wife wants to be a mother and raise a family, and doesn't care about the economy.

Good luck with the job search. Vocational college to improve your marketable skills is a great hobby for you. Many of the schools have all kinds of financial help, and a placement service for after graduation. Check them out.

dustdevil

Hung out at her house for about 8 hours. Went to dinner and shopping at Walmart to pick up things for her to live. Also helped organize her bedroom and move her new bed.

Spent a majority of the time cuddling on the bed. Kept misreading signals on intimacy boundaries. I have an uncontrollable urge for affection, and then when I get rejected, I become masochistic and try again. Eventually got oral, but no sex, and that calmed me down for a few hours, until she initiated kissing, and I misread signals again, and repeated the cycle.

Last night she pointed out two possible incompatibilities. One is that I'm normally affectionately cold. She'll start taking my pants off while I'm doing something in the kitchen, and I'll reject her advances. I'd pretty much reject most sexual advances until bedtime. I don't know why this is. During the day time, if she wants to have a prolonged kissing session, my nose will plug up, and I'll feel like I'm suffocating, and stop.

If you were to ask me, I'd say I wouldn't mind being as sexually active as she wants me to be, but I don't know why I behaved the way I did in the past.

A second incompatibility point is small talk, conversation. She doesn't talk as much as I'd like to, so to fill the dead air, I'll talk about my interests. Or perhaps I'll pick up a new hobby, and I'll have a one track mind. I started doing RC planes, and that's ALL I could talk about. When I was working, that's what I'd do with my coworkers too that sat next to me. I know it bores them, but I felt like I couldn't help but talk about my passions.

She thinks I need to be with someone who would appreciate my passions and my need to talk about them endlessly. I think that hardly anyone actually appreciates the amount of time I spend talking about those technical subjects, and that I just need to learn to be more sociable.

Me always talking about technical stuff hurts our small talk. I feel like I can never say anything interesting to my wife, but all day all I read is geek news or do geeky stuff, so I feel like I have nothing else to talk about.

Gemini54

Well find something else to talk about ! Sheesh.

dustdevil

Roger roger. Spoke with my best friend, and he agreed, I need to develop social skills so I can work on talking about other stuff.

Sent the wife the list on last Thursday and went over it. She couldn't answer any of the questions, and I didn't push her.

Saw her on Friday, and now it's Monday. Had a brief phonecall with her today about 10 minutes ago. Told her I'm going to bring up goals in the next therapy session. She's not comfortable with setting goals, or having goals. It's the only thing I'm really feeling we're lacking right now, aside from continuing to dig up stuff (Which is good). There's the personal goals which I'm aware of (stuff we individually need to work on), and then the relationship goals and other stuff that would have a rough timeline, etc.


She doesn't want to discuss serious stuff on the phone still (although she will), since it turns into 3 hour phone calls (I agree), and she feels I don't 'get it' sometimes. I think I'll just have to leave that stuff for therapy perhaps, although the goal in the first few sessions of therapy was to build the communication skills so that we could hash stuff up constructively. At least in therapy there is a definite timebox.


What is the endgame here? The stuff she's brought up isn't unreasonable for me to change, and she's bringing up valid character flaws that I should work on regardless if we'll still be married. I always see it as, state issues, address issues then get back together? She doesn't feel it's as simple as that however.