Do you still need no contact when your wife needs 'time and space' at her parents?
My wife says i don't fill the empathy 'best friend' hole in her life, and has moved out to live at her parents, but doesn't want a divorce yet. I had finally convinced her to go to Marriage Counseling next week. I've been calling her daily, but she doesn't want to have 'heavy' conversations, just light conversations about daily stuff. She moved out for a week last month, she would come home every day and we'd cuddle, but she'd spend the night at her parents house. She told me she was upset that I didn't call her during that time.
I've been putting old love photos on her dashboard of her car while she's at work, and other little things to show her that I still love her.
Do I need to not talk to her at all until the marriage counseling. I'm so confused. It doesn't seem like anything I can say will fix anything. She doesn't want to stay at home because sex confuses her mind and makes her want to stay with me, and she says she needs a clear head, and to 'rediscover herself'.
I understand that the 'no contact' rule applies after a breakup, but a marriage seperation (or whatever this is)? ??
She said it wouldn't be fair if she told me what she wanted. It was utter crap, and she wouldn't tell me what she wanted for the first 3 weeks that she was off and on leaving. She wouldn't tell me why she was leaving me. Maybe she didn't want to have a reason, I dunno.
My in-laws still love me. Her mom thinks that the other guy should be out of the picture, but this is their only child, so they also don't want to be pushy, and want to be supportive, so I don't think they offer real advice on what she should do, just emotional support.
I've called her mom twice while she is there to get some advice, etc, and her mom just has alot of 'i don't know' answers.
I'm going to stick with no contact, at least for today. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. I'm just going to assume that she's gone, and is trying to avoid hurting my feelings as much. My female friend who's also going through divorce says that women can't just drop other men out of guilt, they have to play the entire thing through, so she figures that my wife won't stop seeing this other guy regardless of what she says.
Your friend sounds very smart. I'm sorry, but your wife seems too selfish to even worry about. This is not the behavior of a married person who promised to be there "for better or for worse" .
I would plan on leaving her myself. You're still young, go find someone more considerate.
Unfortunately, I too, think your wife is still seeing this other guy. In her eyes she is dating again. Why else would the parents want him out of the picture?
Yes, for me, it would be NO CONTACT, except being served divorce papers. And like I said, there would be a huge yard sale, of all of her stuff. "CHEAP AS DIRT" would read the ad in the paper.
NOno...JMJ is steering you correctly but allow me to add.
This is about control and Manipulation. Don't ever allow someone to tell you that they cannot love you unless you change ANYTHING about yourself.
You are who you are and if you listen to the wrong woman, you could wind up eviscerated and miserable with yourself.
You need to stand tough and be the man at this point. Begging her to stay when she has committed these despicable acts will never win her back.
She needs to see you as the man she fell in love with. Strong and masculine. If she has problems communicating with you, she may need therapy to rectify that fault in her.
This is a crossroads in your manhood and the marriage. By all means use contraceptive if you get near her. The next page in the play book is of course her getting pregnant.
Quote by jham123;
She needs to see you as the man she fell in love with. Strong and masculine. If she has problems communicating with you, she may need therapy to rectify that fault in her.
The same man who didn't comfort her when her grandfather died? The same man who wouldn't listen to how her day went because he knew it would be bad?
A marriage is about compromise and, yes, that means both partners sometimes have to make changes to make the marriage work.
That does not mean I condone her behavior. However, I don't condone his either.
dustdevil, if you want your marriage to work out, do not go into your counseling session with the mindset that you don't have to do anything or change anything, and that the counselor should be a divorce lawyer. If you think that way, then end your marriage NOW!!!!!!!!!
In this case immaturity and stubborness seem to be playing a big part in the dénouement of this relationship.
Dustdevil I don't think it's a good idea to ring her parents and ask them to intervene on your behalf. It does sound as if your wife is punishing you or taunting you and it does not sound as if you have the understanding or the skills to reach her.
By all means be strong and masculine, but understand that communciation goes both ways. Your marriage is in trouble and you have played a part in creating that dynamic.
Do not avoid the counseling. It's now your chance to learn about yourself and to grow from this challenge.
Giving her an ultimatum is just another form of Manipulation. You need to stop trying to control her and she you.......Like I said, this is all about control in the marriage.
Stop.
You be you and be a man about it. THERE IS NOTHING YOU COULD DO that would justify her running into the arms of another man. Get a grip in this......and don't let go.
Do you need work to mature?? Could you be better as a man?? Is there room for you to be a better person??
SURE THERE IS.......but whatever....you don't deserve to have to beg a woman back that has stepped out on YOU.
That is the point here. You work on you and become a better person. But HER?? Becoming a better person may be NOT being with a spouse that uses others as a threat to get her way or to tell you that you must change.
And last, I'll never relent from this. A person loves you or they don't......it is emotional abuse for one to state that they cannot show you love or affection unless you change. They married the person that you are......Do people change during marriage?? we all do as we grow older...not one person is the same as they were when they turned 21....so no, The game of "I can't love you until you change [X] about yourself is nothing more than manipulation.
I know where you are - my husband left me thinking he would be happier without me after years of a marriage that had communication problems. He cheated, he belittled me, I belittled him, we both were a mess. I agreed to a divorce and then retracted...emotions are just ever changing when this kind of thing happens.
Finally, I decided we needed to separate. I wrote him a letter and made a copy for myself. It said "I'm not asking for a divorce. I love you and will welcome you home when you are 100% committed to our marriage. However, I will not share you with another person and I'm not going to be lied to or dishonored in my own home. I'm sorry that I made mistakes, I regret them and I will be praying and working on those things in therapy. If you choose not to come home I will be sad but I will move on." That letter spelled it out. No chit-chat necessary. We both needed that letter - for him to know where I stood and for ME to know where I stood when I wanted to cave in.
I held him to that standard. We did not talk unless it had to do with the children or money. If he called me "just to talk" I said I was not ready to talk and hung up the phone. I was not mean, but I was allowing myself to heal. A separation needs time to work. You won't win her back by begging or stalking her. You will win her back when she sees you doing the right thing every day - going to counseling (on your OWN, you have issues to work through), going to work, finding ways to stay busy and starting to smile again.
So ... the result. During our separation I had learned so much about myself, how I was not a loving wife, how I had done things that hurt my husband even though I had not intended to. He needed work too - and he had counseling on his own after a bit. After almost 5 months of being apart he had a breakthrough moment with God and he called and said he was so sorry for the things he had done and wanted to fix the mess we had made. I had the 100% commitment that I had asked for. Anything less would not have worked. We reconciled and it's been 2 1/2 years since he came home. We still have to work on things, we need to be careful to not fall back into old patterns. But we talk more, we listen more, and we honor eachother in all things.
Your marriage can survive this - but you need to get in to see a therapist to help you work out why you did not meet her needs, why did you allow your marriage to be communication-less, how do you work through the infidelity issues....
You've been together 11 years - it's worth a year to try to fix it. It can work....
Well, tuesday we went to the movies, and dinner afterwards, and I told her that I wish she would come back home, to which she replied 'No I can't do that'. I felt terrible. We then cuddled and made out in the parking lot, and then she stopped and told me she's not depositing her checks into our bank account anymore. We both left feeling terrible. I called her afterwards saying that we left on the wrong foot and I told her I love her, and I miss her, and I'm glad she's going to therapy tomorrow.'. She said the same.
At therapy, it was pretty much '20 questions' for the intake session. I didn't learn anything new. Therapist said that next week we'll work on back and forth communication.
After therapy, we sat in the parking lot cuddling. I told her how happy it makes me to hold her in my arms. We made out (She initiated) and then she left.
The next day I asked if we could hang out after work. We went to goodwill to go clothes shopping for her for a party. I felt like I was walking on eggshells and couldn't really get beyond casual conversation (Like you'd have with a stranger). She invited me to go to dinner with her, and we ate and smiled at each other the entire time. I apologized for being retarded when she was emotionally hurt at her grandpas funeral, and I told her I realize through calling my parents, that both of them are incapable of empathy, and that I don't want to grow up to be like them. She told me she's glad to hear that. We cuddled and she initiated making out again.
Her parents went out of state this weekend, and she was going to go with them, which would make things easy on me, because I wouldn't have to worry about trying to hang out with her. She ended up staying behind. I asked her if she'd like to hang out, and she says she'll call me tomorrow.
I think I've made it clear that I'm committed to fixing my problems. We both told the therapist that we need to work on my empathy. It just hurts me when I see that there is this 'wall' between us.
When I see this 'wall' between us, it makes it hard for me to just 'be myself', and even though I want to hang out with her, I'm far from confident when we do hang out (Although I try to be confident).
Why is there a wall?! Why did it seemingly pop up overnight, and what will make it go away?! Everyone keeps telling me 'give it time'. I'd feel much better if I knew that we just hit the 'pause' button on our relationship to figure things out, rather than seeing all this separation as emotional distancing. I'm scared of her slipping away, although I have no reason to suspect that. I also feel that we can't do any healing until this 'wall' is gone, but I suspect the wall can't be gone until we emotionally heal, and emotional healing can't be done in 'light conversation'.
The uncertainty kills me! I was feeling REALLY good because I was certain there was nothing I could do while she was out of state, and then as soon as I heard she stayed behind that uncertainty came back up on what I should do and it's driving me nuts.
I don't think the wall popped up over-night. I think you just didn't see it being built up. It happens. What matters is that you are trying to tear it down now. Unfortunately, it will take both of you to make it disappear.
I know you are scared and unsure about what is going on and what she is thinking. Hopefully, in the next session there will be more clarification about where each of you see the relationship going.
I just hope she wants to work on it as much as you do.
Well, she ended up not going out of state with her parents. I asked her saturday if she'd like to hang out, and she said she'd call me Sunday morning.
We went today to the zoo for 4 hours. We'd hold hands, and I'd give her the occassional hug or kiss on the cheek. We sat down to smoke next to a grass field with lots of children playing, and she started to cry. I asked her what's wrong and she didn't answer. I asked if it was the kids, and she said it was.
While I wouldn't mind having kids, I never obsess over having them. I told my wife that once I get a stable job and we buy a house that we can have kids then.
I told her that therapy will also help me to become a better parent.
She said "I don't want to go to therapy anymore", and I told her that I don't believe that. She said 'then stop talking about it', and so I agreed, and we got something to eat and continued around the zoo as if nothing had happened.
I said I was going to get some dinner afterwards, and she said that she's going to go straight to her parents house.
I called her on her drive back to her parents house, and asked if I'd see her on Wednesday (at the therapist), she said she didn't know. She said that her heart is not in this relationship anymore, and 'what's the point of going to therapy'. I told her that I think that therapy will help us develop that.
She thinks that because we don't have common interests that we shouldn't be together. I'm an engineer, and I talk about geeky stuff alot, and I think I bore her. I've avoided talking about that stuff on our recent dates however. She said the discussion about her heart not being in it is best saved for therapy, and I'm convinced she's going to go because she said that.
Ouch. I always figured that kids weren't something that guys obsessed over with desire, but that it's one of those things that you decide that you'll have them when you're ready, and when they come, they'll change your life. I always thought that women were wired to have an urge for children, and the husbands role is to be supportive of that.
I'm torn. It's hard to 're-bond' on our 'dates' because of walking on eggshells, and I probably lack the confidence during them, although I try my best to be confident on our dates.
In the last month or two she had asked me to tell her the things I loved about her, and I could come up with a handful of things, so today I sat down for an hour, and made a list of 50 things that I loved about her and e-mailed it to her.
I'm an emotional rollercoaster. I'll go from feeling healed, and then feel like crying the next moment (usually after talking to her). It's a crapshoot on whether I'll feel better or worse after talking or hanging out with her. Right now I'm kinda numb, but think that I should be crying instead.
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