My wife says i don't fill the empathy 'best friend' hole in her life, and has moved out to live at her parents, but doesn't want a divorce yet. I had finally convinced her to go to Marriage Counseling next week. I've been calling her daily, but she doesn't want to have 'heavy' conversations, just light conversations about daily stuff. She moved out for a week last month, she would come home every day and we'd cuddle, but she'd spend the night at her parents house. She told me she was upset that I didn't call her during that time.

I've been putting old love photos on her dashboard of her car while she's at work, and other little things to show her that I still love her.

Do I need to not talk to her at all until the marriage counseling. I'm so confused. It doesn't seem like anything I can say will fix anything. She doesn't want to stay at home because sex confuses her mind and makes her want to stay with me, and she says she needs a clear head, and to 'rediscover herself'.

I understand that the 'no contact' rule applies after a breakup, but a marriage seperation (or whatever this is)? ??

dustdevil

Thank you for your replies.

We've been together 8, married for for almost 6 years. We're both 26.

We haven't learned to communicate effectively. I also never learned empathy until recently, so when her grandfather died, I didn't comfort her, because I didn't know what to do. She's scared that the next time something emotional in her life happens that I won't 'be there' to provide her emotional support.

When she came to me with problems, I'd try to 'fix' them logically, instead of emotionally. She also doesn't think she can confide in emotionally. She hides alot of her feelings from me.

As far as the other guy. She's living an hour away from everything now, with no internet access. So that makes it harder for her to have any contact.

Last week she basically said, "I'm leaving you to be with this guy because he provides what I need", and I talked her into staying and talking that night, now she says she realizes that it is wrong for her to throw that into the mix.

Cat1864

If you both approach the counseling sessions with open minds and a willingness to work on the marriage, there may be chance for your marriage.

It sounds like both of you were not as invested in the marriage as you should have been. It will take a while for both of you to build up trust in each other. Her, that you will be there to give her support in all the ways that she needs and you, that she won't turn to someone else again and will turn to you for that support.

Good luck.

jmjoseph

There are books that you can read to help you with your feelings. Don't give up.

However, she has crossed the line, and she should know that. If you let her get away with this, she will have a "be with any man I want card".

Even though she is an hour away, do you think that the other man will stay away?

I would have a little chat with him, as he is pursuing your WIFE.

Do you want to be with a person who runs into the arms of another whenever she is angry, lonely, and tired? No, of course not.

It may turn out that she is just not the one you want to be with. You are still young, be happy, at all costs.

dustdevil

I don't know who the guy is. I briefly snooped around on her IM, and saw horrible text messages from him, and just now logged on to see if he was online. He's a coworker of hers, in another department.

This was her first relationship, she was a very antisocial person, and I have been in over 30 relationships before, so I guess I just knew how to 'sweep girls off her feet', but my experience has led me to know what I want.

I can forgive her for emotional hurt, I'm strong enough to do that, and I don't hold grudges.

Since she was essentially 'out the door' and 'out of my life' seemingly the other day when she told me she was leaving to be with him, and I managed to say something that made her change her mind, I think there's hope.

She doesn't think that people are capable of change, and we've never really had the ability to communicate about problems. She's scared that she will end up pregnant, and that I won't be there for her emotionally.

I had been stupid in the past, I had discouraged her from talking to me about how bad her day was, since she works at a call center and every day at work is a bad day. I also spent way too much time online, and now when she's home, I try to stay off the computer and devote all my attention to her, but also trying to give her space when she was at home.

She also thinks that we don't bond about the topics of discussion, that there's not much commonality. I have alot of geeky hobbies, so I talk about alot of stuff that's over her head and she feels bad about that. I don't mind if she doesn't truely care about what I talk about, just as long as she listens.

dustdevil

Well,

I wanted to call her, and talk about light stuff, she said she thinks she wants to go to school to be a nurse, so I thought that was a good conversation to talk about.

Stupidly I started the conversation saying that I think the point of a seperation is to find out if she misses me, and that me smothering her might hurt that, so that she should call me if she wants to talk.

Conversation quickly devolved into she doesn't want me to psychoanalyze her and try to push her to fix things over the phone, which I didn't try to do. I told her I had gotten out the 'do not contact' part of the conversation and wanted to move to more light talking, she said she was busy and was going to Costco with her parents.

I asked her if she misses me, she says 'miss' is the wrong work, that she aches.

So I guess i'm going to give this 'no contact' thing a try until our counselor on Wednesday. She just seemed so angry and distant on the phone, it wasn't productive, whereas normally our in-person talks are seemingly productive, except that I could never get her to commit to 'trying'.

Cat1864

I just want to see if I have this right.

Your wife has issues with feeling like she can't tell you how she feels about things. She is afraid that you won't be there for her. You just told this woman who already feels like you shut her out emotionally that you are starting No Contact. You are making her contact you and hope that you pick up the phone.

This is after, instead of keeping to a light conversation, you start the conversation by talking about the separation which is not a light topic.

I am really hoping that counseling goes well for you.

Gemini54

I think that you have some work to do on yourself, and that counselling will be good for you. I think that you've probably lived your life thinking about you and not bothering about how others feel. It's all been too difficult hasn't it?

Why can't you empathize with the death of a loved one? Your wife is right to be wary of your capacity to deal with life's issues and your capacity to hear what she is asking of you. There is a watershed moment in all of our lives, when we realize that the life we're living isn't quite right and that we have contributed to that situation. This is yours.

Your wife has been telling you for some time that you lack empathy and you haven't listened. I suspect you don't know how to.

I would use marriage counselling as an opportunity to discover yourself and why you're afraid of feelings and connecting with other human beings.

I don't know if your marriage will survive this.

dustdevil

Thank you for your feedback.

She IM'd me an hour ago and said she was sorry for yelling at me. I called her up and we had a light conversation. She was talking about mexican food, and her career hopes.

I guess I shouldn't do the 'no contact', but should be more attentive to 'taking a hint' when she wants to get off the phone. She always has to 'go to costco' or 'watch her dad show her the chili recipe'.

Up until last week she didn't tell me what it was that was missing. She basically said it would be cheating if I didn't figure it out. I have been practicing empathy at every opportunity for the last week since she told me.

I guess my path here is to work on the light conversation, and then hopefully it will go into light dating.

jmjoseph

What does this mean? That she ISN'T cheating?

You need work. You know that, and are trying to do so. I think that this time away might do you two some good. As long as the other guy is out of the picture.

I have a question for you. How do your in-laws feel about you? Are they pulling for you? Or are they content with the current arrangement?

Do they know about they other guy?

I hate to keep bring him up, but she did say that she was leaving you to be with him. Then she blamed you, and your faults ( lack of empathy...).

Leaving you, until you do some personal changing is one thing. But using YOUR faults to be with another man is just plain wrong.

You practice empathy, as long as she practices monogamy.

I truly hope things work out for you. You sound like a nice guy.

dustdevil

She said it wouldn't be fair if she told me what she wanted. It was utter crap, and she wouldn't tell me what she wanted for the first 3 weeks that she was off and on leaving. She wouldn't tell me why she was leaving me. Maybe she didn't want to have a reason, I dunno.

My in-laws still love me. Her mom thinks that the other guy should be out of the picture, but this is their only child, so they also don't want to be pushy, and want to be supportive, so I don't think they offer real advice on what she should do, just emotional support.

I've called her mom twice while she is there to get some advice, etc, and her mom just has alot of 'i don't know' answers.

I'm going to stick with no contact, at least for today. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. I'm just going to assume that she's gone, and is trying to avoid hurting my feelings as much. My female friend who's also going through divorce says that women can't just drop other men out of guilt, they have to play the entire thing through, so she figures that my wife won't stop seeing this other guy regardless of what she says.