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    alyoopmom's Avatar
    alyoopmom Posts: 4, Reputation: 3
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    #1

    Oct 18, 2007, 11:59 AM
    Disrespectful Husband
    My husband and I have been married 16 years and have 3 daughters, ranging from 5-16.

    We have been having marital issues for the last six months but have been trying to make things work out through the help of our pastor. Most things are MUCH better, but it seems that he has begun to go out about once a month and choose to not call me to let me know where he is or what time he will be home. He tells me he is at a club shooting pool or at the country club. I have no proof where he is one way or the other. He won't answer his cell phone and won't call me to let me know he is okay. I feel completely disrespected by him. I only ask for a common courtesy call so I will know he is okay. I cannot sleep until he gets home and he knows this. This morning, after such a night, (he finally answered the phone at midnight and got home about 12:30), I told him simply "no fighting, no arguing.....this is the LAST time you will ever disrespect me EVER again."

    Am I over reacting? I don't think I am but he just doesn't seem to get it! Can I be that wrong? How can I handle this better?
    BiWiccanAndProud's Avatar
    BiWiccanAndProud Posts: 530, Reputation: 25
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    #2

    Oct 18, 2007, 12:28 PM
    NO! You are not over reacting! My mom went through this same! My step dad goes out everyonce in a while to a completely different town and does drugs. Normally he leaves on a Friday and comes home on sundays but sometimes he is gone longer! She has told him twice before to go to rehab or don't come home. He has been to rehab twice but he's starting up again I truly don't know what she is going to do with him but here's what I say.

    Explain to him your fears! If he keeps doing this then do what my mom does. Threaten him!! Not violence or anything but use something that would get him to call! You aren't going to get him to stop completely unless he is pulling what my step dad is (in that case do exactly what my mom does) but in this case say something that will get him to call or answer his phone to let you know where he is!
    RubyPitbull's Avatar
    RubyPitbull Posts: 3,575, Reputation: 648
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    #3

    Oct 18, 2007, 03:24 PM
    After 16 years I would think your husband would know better. I find it hard to understand why a spouse wouldn't tell you where he is going along with just giving you a call to let you know he is okay if he decides to stay out later than expected. I am left wondering what prompted you both to go into counseling in the first place. I don't mean to pry and you don't have to discuss anything further here, but I am going to throw this out here just for you to give some deeper thought as to what is motivating both of your reactions over something that shouldn't even be an issue. Is this issue occurring due to the original problem (such as your husband having an affair)? If not, it really is simply a matter of having respect and courtesy for your spouse. Why is he so resistant to calling you? Has he told you what his issue with it is? Do you give him a hard time when he does call or do you say, "okay, I will see you later?" Does he feel that you are trying to control him? Has he given you any reason to not trust him? If you are out and running late, do you call your husband and give him the courtesy you are asking from him? Does he give you a hard time on the phone if you are out with friends and want to stay out for a couple of hours longer? The answers to all of these questions are important to this issue. It is a very good and constructive way to resolve marital problems by working closely with your Pastor as you seem to have been doing. Has this issue been brought up and discussed with both of you in front of him? If not, you need to discuss how you extend this simple courtesy to your husband (if you do) and calmly explain to him, in front of your pastor, that it is a matter of just letting each other know where the other one is and if he/she is okay. Ask him if he would prefer for you to call the police or the hospitals? He needs to understand that what he is doing is causing you to worry unnecessarily and it only takes a moment to let you know that he is okay. Tell him it is nornal for a wife to worry about a husband's safety and this is not you trying to control his every move (if that is what is actually happening here). Your pastor can then guide the discussion and will help you to get your husband to understand that he is being selfish behaving this way. If this has to do with your husband feeling that you don't trust him due to his betraying your trust, he needs to understand that you have a legitimate concern and until he is able to show you that he can be trusted again, what he is doing is counterproductive in saving your marriage. If I am totally off the mark with an affair, are you giving him a difficult time if he decides to go out with his friends for an evening? Or when he calls do you keep him on the phone, argue with him, or tell him to come home? If that is the case, then the reason he is acting this way is due to his feeling that you are trying to control him and you need to rethink how you handle these conversations with him. In any event, whatever is triggering this needs to be brought out in your meeting with your pastor and you both need to calmly discuss what your concerns/objections are to this behavior and with your pastor's help, come up with a constructive solution that both you and your husband can both live with.
    Leidenschaftlich für Wahr's Avatar
    Leidenschaftlich für Wahr Posts: 243, Reputation: 46
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    #4

    Oct 18, 2007, 03:27 PM
    Id change the locks while he is out... you're not overreacting at all, if he didn't have anything to hide he wouldn't be hiding it.
    donf's Avatar
    donf Posts: 5,679, Reputation: 582
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    #5

    Oct 18, 2007, 09:49 PM
    Allyoop,

    Were I you, I would sit hubby down and whack him repeatedly with a mythical 2X4 until you have his undivided attention. Once you have it ask him to tell what it is that he is too frightened/cowardly to tell you. You need to know what you are up against so that you can take smart steps to help yourself. From the attitude that you describe , I suggest that your hubby is baiting you by grudgingly giving you info.

    Your issue of his lack of respect for you is a secondary issue. The primary issue is respect for yourself, which you have demonstrated to me that you already have. Hubby should respect you for no other reason than the fact that you are a lady and he chose you to be his wife. You have earned the right to be respected, so please, do not back up one step. Hold him to the line and give him no room to wiggle.

    Also I strongly suggest that you take prudent steps to protect yourself and daughters from the consequences of his actions.

    My wife and I always find time or make time to be together. Its what we like best. Prior to my retiring, I would meet my wife for lunch just about every work day. Often times we would just have sandwiches and gripe about work days. When IBM sent me on assignments, I would ask her to keep me company.

    For me, home is any where my wife is.
    alyoopmom's Avatar
    alyoopmom Posts: 4, Reputation: 3
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    #6

    Oct 19, 2007, 07:41 AM
    To Ruby Pitbull: I don't mind answering your questions. It just makes me feel foolish to explain the downfalls of my marriage. We were seeking counseling due to an "emotional" affair in my mind. He was talking and texting a young girl numerous times a day and she left a voice mail on his cell phone stating she couldn't sleep at 2:30 in the AM and just wanted to let him know that she loved him. When I confronted him, he stated that I took the comment out of context... that she looked on him as a father figure(he just died a few months ago) and just needed someone to talk to. I wouldn't say I necessarily "bought" his answer but we both agreed to counseling with the pastor. I wasn't being the "wife" that I should have been and I was working on that with the pastor. The counseling has been suspended for the last two months... no one has made the effort to get together. The late night just compounds my anxiety and I lose any trust and faith I have built back. Hope that helps answer your questions.
    RubyPitbull's Avatar
    RubyPitbull Posts: 3,575, Reputation: 648
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    #7

    Oct 19, 2007, 09:29 AM
    Honey, I really didn't have any questions. I was trying to find a non-confrontational way to bring up the possibility of an affair. It was my first thought after reading your post. The situation led me to believe that he feels that you are checking up on him and controlling him and there isn't any other reason for him to feel that way unless he betrayed your trust or you have had control issues from the get-go. Since you didn't mention that this has been a constant problem throughout your marriage, I assumed it had to do with a trust issue and that usually has to do with the spouse "stepping out" in one way or another. Frankly, I do believe you have every right to be questioning where he is. Whether he wants to own it or not, he has broken your trust in him. I am wondering why the pastor has you working on being the wife you "should have been." Where is your husband's responsibility in all this? Where is his responsibility to your marriage? If he wants to regain your trust, then he needs to understand that it is important for him to communicate with you. He needs to understand that he just can't disappear for hours on end without telling you where he will be due to what has occurred. I think you both need to go back to your pastor and continue your counseling. The problem is not resolved and it will not go away until the trust is back in your marriage. Your husband needs to understand that and your pastor, if he is someone that you both admire and respect, needs to get that through to him. I will say that if your husband had nothing to hide, he would have been telling you that he was trying to help this young woman cope. She might have been displacing her feelings onto your husband, as people do with their therapists, but if he didn't tell you everything that was going on, it is apparent that he enjoyed the attention and his feelings for her were not completely fatherly. Your pastor should be focusing on the kind of husband he needs to be to you, not the other way around. Obviously, I don't know the whole story, and in a marriage both husband and wife have to work at the relationship. So, maybe you did need to work on some things. But, your husband is showing a lack of respect for you by refusing to understand how deeply this has hurt you and he needs to be vastly more considerate of your feelings by communicating with you at such a critical time in your marriage. If you feel that the pastor is counseling you to be a more obedient and trusting wife, I do believe you should start to seek counsel from another source. Marriage is a two way street and we all have our faults. One party shouldn't be expected to work harder at "fixing" things than the other. You both have work to do. You both are to blame for letting it get to the point it has. So, if you feel that this is a bit one-sided in that you are being made out to be the unreasonable one, get a second opinion. Here is a link that may help you get started: The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
    ohmy's Avatar
    ohmy Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Sep 10, 2009, 05:19 AM
    Hey I been down this road and much more for 23 years. I asked my husband why he never calls... he told me he didn't need a babysitter. I told him I'm your wife, not a babysitter, asked him don't I have a right as a wife to know where you are, where your going and when you will be home... his response was silence -he don't care. He tells me he loves me... but he shows me he don't care, so that means he don't love me.

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