Crush on husband's friend

Stringer · Sep 12, 2007, 09:51 PM

For one thing star3114 I wouldn't have an affair while you are still married to your husband. This will only produce many additional problems for everyone especially the children.

Although this is only my opinion, I am staunch in my belief that being unfaithful in a marriage is never the answer. Only a brief fantasy. Eventually one thinks "if she cheated on him what will keep her from cheating on ME? I don't think you want to live that life.

If I may, I suggest that you first decide what you are going to do about your marriage. If you decide that it is not what you want then do the right thing and get a divorce. This marriage has to be your first concern and your first action; decide to stay or get a divorce. Anything else; what this "best friend" of your husband thinks/feels for you should be secondary.

If you decide to end the marriage I would keep any communication with the friend to a very minimum between now and the end of the marriage. Already your child is somewhat aware. Afterward you could explore other opportunities with the friend or others.

Keeping it "clean" is the best for everyone, including the "best friend." When you are single there is no reason not to pursue him or he you if he feels the same way. Doing it this way will exempt yourself from many more problems that you really don't need.

I realize that you never mentioned having an affair but from what I read in your post it may have already begun. If not physically (not necessarily sex, just meeting him somewhere) then it has emotionally.

Stringer

star3114 · Sep 13, 2007, 05:01 PM

I have not had an affair and continue to be faithful to my husband. I appreciate your feedback. It made a great deal of sense. Thank you for your honesty.

star3114 · Sep 13, 2007, 05:06 PM

I find myself always "doing the right thing". Is it selfish of me to want a divorce because I am unhappy? Or is marriage just this way and I should learn to deal with it for the sake of the marriage and the kids? I used to think marriage was such a wonderful thing, but now I find myself cynical. When people tell me they are getting married, I smile and say congratulations enthusiastically....but I really want to say, "don't do it". Is this the way that marriage is supposed to feel?

saraispiel19 · Sep 13, 2007, 05:15 PM

Oh Jesus, thank God you haven't taken any steps towards this feeling.

Honestly and truly deep inside, do you want to be with your husband? Do you still love him? If the answer is 'no', it's time for a divorce. If you don't want to work at this anymore, then leave. It's about being fair to yourself, your husband and your son.

The best friend, well I wouldn't go that way. Especially if he still talks to your husband, this is a bad path to go down. I think because you're feeling neglected, you're seeking someone else to "feed your needs".

If you do get a divorce, be with yourself and just your son. Don't open one door without closing the other. Both of you, (the friend and yourself), would be going through the "divorce period". therefore your emotions are all a blur, and they may seem clear, but you know your heart can deceive you.

Your head is not on right since all this happened.And you know what? It's normal. I know, (I'm going through seperation crap as well- so I'm here for yau).

If it was a crusty old man who was being nice to you or like I said "feeding your need" you'd be wagging tails with him as well - it's human - you want what you need and you get it where they provide it.

Hold on girlie<3

Xxoo

Keep us posted we're here for ya!

star3114 · Sep 13, 2007, 05:22 PM

Wow...very perceptive. Upon much self-analysis, I have determined when there were many times that I have started developing "feelings" toward other people. However, I think I wasn't around them for such an extensive part of time for it to turn into stuff that felt this strong.

To answer your question if I love him, I don't know. I care about him and I don't want anything bad to happen to him, but I don't know that I feel about him the way a wife should feel about her husband.

So much has happened in our past that I am really having difficulty letting it go. I feel so much bitterness and resentment. We went to marriage counseling and the counselor said it was something I have to work through.

It is funny because when my husband screws up and says something insensitive or curses at me in anger, he will apologize later. I have told him I am tired of apologies. I want change.

Am I just being too critical of him, and it is feeding the fire? Am I just looking for more faults to justify my feelings? HELP!

kayakinggirl · Sep 13, 2007, 05:26 PM

Every married person has a crush from time to time.

I have, and I've been married for eighteen year,s and with my husband for twenty-one. It really is ok to have feelings for someone else, (thank you marriage counselor, having been there). You just need to decide if those feelings are worth a relationship.

My husband had a crush on my best friend for years, and he never acted on anything, and I tease him about it all the time.

kayakinggirl · Sep 13, 2007, 05:26 PM

Addendum: you are human.

kayakinggirl · Sep 13, 2007, 05:27 PM

And so is he! Marriage counseling is in order.

gallivant_fellow · Sep 13, 2007, 05:28 PM

If you divorce your husband and his best friend still really likes you, I don't see a huge problem with it. Just because you married someone you thought you knew doesn't mean you deserve to live with it.

If you do decide to do it, I think you should wait a while after you divorce your husband though. I mean, if your kid even caught on to the events and wants him to be his dad, how could it be a bad decision? Kids growing up around fighting is really bad too, they remember it and often times carry it into their families when they're older.

If your husband is that bad, and you want to divorce him for someone else, who you and your kids adore, don't listen to negative criticism from other families. The families who do that sit around the dinner table every night making fun of other family's problems to hide their own. I have been a guest at one too many of those dinner tables.

Whatever makes you and your kids lives happy, do!

Crush on husband's friend

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