I am 28. I found out 1 week ago my wife of 3 years cheated on me for 1 night with a guy after a party who she does not even know his name. I have been through a rollercoaster of emotions. She says I did nothing wrong and am the perfect husband. She says it felt good for that small amount of time "to have the attention of someone new" and was really drunk. She says she is going through a "funk". I made her leave for a couple of days and then let her retrun. Though I have gotten angry for a couple of days we are living together as humans fine. If anything much better than I would have thought. The problem is she will not talk to me about her feelings. When ever I try to bring it up she either says she can't "talk about it every second of the day"
She has asked to see a counselor. She says that I am the perfect match for her but on the other hand misses her indepedance sometimes and sees others who seem to have that "spark" 24/7. Neither one of us are "mushy people" If anything I am more mushy than her. She says she thinks she wants to be with me the rest of her life and will "kill herself" if she realizes in 10 years what a horrible mistake she has made.
I want her to just run up and hug me and say " I screwed up and will spend the rest of my life showing you how much I love you" But I don't see that happening.
Is this funk a real thing? Am I just blind to what is going to happen? She is not staying for the money. She has a good career and I own several companies. Either one of us could live on our own no problem. We have always had our own bank accounts with our own bills so we wouldn't fight about money.
Man, this has got to be tough on you. I truly feel for you. She NEEDS to apologize and come give you a hug and say how bad she feels, and that she's made the biggest mistake of her life.
I hope one day it will come to that. But as far as her having to pay for her selfish infidelity for LIFE, that's asking too much. If you can find it in your heart to forgive her, then work together through it. If she promises that it was just a one time thing, you'll need to get on with your lives. It's simply not healthy to have something like that hanging over her head, and weighing on your heart. I strongly suggest going to counseling, what have you to lose? You'll have to ask yourself if you can ever trust her totally again.
As far as the funk, and her seeing other people having a great relationship ALL the time, that's not what she needs to concentrate on. She needs to work with you to find some common ground on which to rebuild your love and trust. And even the best relationships have their problems. Sleeping with another guy was going to make your relationship better? Very weak excuses.
You said that she was drunk. Does she have a drinking problem? Does she always act so irresponsible when she does drink?
No, I don't think she has a drinking problem. We are together all week and I think I would know. It is common for us to have drinks on the weekend or a glass of wine during the week. I just think the drunk part might have been the difference between acting or not acting that night. I think there was a problem before that night. She says she is not sure how long she has felt in this funk. I am not sure if it is that the honeymoon has gone away??? Or b/c she grew up with seperated parents that she figures this will happen?? A year ago she wanted to start having kids??? Now many of her friends have had their first kids or are pregnant. She met some new friends who are all single or just dating. She is a couple of years younger than me. Is it to early for her to be going through some mid-life crisis??
You should definitely see a couples counsellor together to try to sort out the problems. The issues here are very unclear, because she's confused about what she wants. A neutral third party can really assist you.
As for her cheating you, you seem to have forgiven her so easily that she doesn't see it as a problem anymore. Who knows when she'll cheat again seeing that you forgive her so easily anyway.
Finally, for a marriage to work, it takes hard work from both people invovled. It sounds like she's more concerned about what "what ifs" rather than working on rebuilding your trust and strenthening the marriage.
I hate to say it, but you're definitely loosing her and professional help is definitely required.
No one has a problem that the wife has to "ask" to see a counsellor and that she leaves the marital residence when told to do so and returns when OP allows her to do so?
This is neither a marriage nor a partnership - this is a dictatorship.
Not an excuse to cheat ... but not in my lifetime. Last I heard women could come and go at will, handle money and even vote!
I see the OP losing control in a marriage based on control.
She explained herself to you once. Anything after that is unnecessary. She gave you details, maybe true, maybe not.
I'd worry less about her "drinking problem" and more about you "control problem."
I do matrimonal surveillances. The "I was too drunk to know what I was doing" statement is a very common defense. Sometimes it works. Many times it does not.
BUT if OP can't get over this then it's time to move on. I think both people are victims - OP and his wife.
Let me rephrase. I asked her if counseling would be a good idea and at first she said "no" she just had to figure things out. After she saw how hurt and angry I was, she asked if we could go to counseling. She was not asking, as in "for permission" to see a counseler. My choice of phrasing above could have been better. I love her with all my heart. I do not feel I am controlling. She has always been allowed to come and go as she pleases and gets everything she wants. We have seperate finances as we thought it would be good for me to pay all the bills and she would save and pay for vacations, the boat, the dogs, a savings for the day we have kids, etc.
Also, Yes I was very angry for the first couple of days and she knew it. I can't stay angry forever. Without her telling me how she feels and not wanting to talk about it makes it hard for me to know what to feel. I go from sad one minute, to angry, to hopeful, to crushed. Its only been a week.
I want things to go back to how things uses to be. I want a happy wife, I want a happy marrige, I want to have kids and grow old with her. I love her so much, and she says she loves me, but what to do now.
Let me rephrase. I asked her if counseling would be a good idea and at first she said "no" she just had to figure things out. After she saw how hurt and angry I was, she asked if we could go to counseling. She was not asking, as in "for permission" to see a counseler. My choice of phrasing above could have been better. I love her with all my heart. I do not feel I am controlling. She has always been allowed to come and go as she pleases and gets everything she wants. We have seperate finances as we thought it would be good for me to pay all the bills and she would save and pay for vacations, the boat, the dogs, a savings for the day we have kids, etc.
Also, Yes I was very angry for the first couple of days and she knew it. I can't stay angry forever. Without her telling me how she feels and not wanting to talk about it makes it hard for me to know what to feel. I go from sad one minute, to angry, to hopeful, to crushed. Its only been a week.
I want things to go back to how things uses to be. I want a happy wife, I want a happy marrige, I want to have kids and grow old with her. I love her so much, and she says she loves me, but what to do now.
Things are never going to go back to the way they used to be. They can be better, of course, but after this type of incident I don't see things going back to the way they used to be.
Again - you basically threw her out of the marital home, you "let her" come back when YOU felt she had been punished enough OR you were no longer angry (and I have no idea where she went in the meantime) - and you don't see this as controlling?
I agree - counselling is the only way to go. You apparently can't talk to each other and this isn't going to go away by itself.
Do I think she has a drinking problem? No. Do I see some other character flaw, not a disease - yes.
I wouldn't tell you how I feel either because I wouldn't want to be out on the street ... again at your whim.
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