| confused
Hi, I need serious help. My husband and I have been married for over 6 years and have 2 small children. I only work part-time on the weekends so I can be home with them during the week. This seems to work out pretty well for all of us. Recently we were trying for a third child (my wish) and ended up having 2 losses instead. The second one being very early in the pregnancy, but now my doctors are not sure if I can carry another baby to full term, I am still in the middle of testing. Anyways, I seemed to take all of this okay. I have always considered myself to be emotionally stable. I always felt very content in my marriage. Divorce was never an option, cheating was never, ever even thought about....until a couple of weeks ago. I feel like I just snapped. I never saw this coming from a million miles away.
I went out with a girlfriend (also married) with my husbands consent. He doesn't really care for the nightlife so he prefers to stay home. But he felt like my friend and I needed to go out and have fun. We asked him to come but he chose to stay home with the kids. I go out with girlfriends probably a couple of times a year and there has never been a problem. This night was a little different.
I ran into this guy that I met through my husband before we were married. I ended up kissing this guy, hanging out with him most of the night and my girlfriend and I woke up at his house the next morning. I know I did not sleep with him but I did more fooling around than should have ever taken place--I don't remember exactly how everything went because I had too much to drink.
He dropped us off at my house in the morning. My husband asked what happened and I just told him that James gave us a ride home because we were all too drunk to drive and that was it. My husband didn't ask any questions because I don't usually lie. I usually am one to trust and have a tendency to despise people who do cheat and lie.
Now, my problem is that I cannot stop thinking about this guy. I called him a week later to thank him for giving us a ride and I thought maybe he could fill in some blanks. He was cordial on the phone but that was about it. When he answered the phone, I got butterflies at the sound of his voice. I keep fantasizing that I will run into him, that he'll call me, I started working out again and the thought of not being able to have another baby didn't bother me like it usually does. I feel like a teenager in a way. I am having thoughts about leaving my husband and being with this guy. And on the other hand I think if I see him maybe I will be disgusted and realize this was just a bad choice fueled by alcohol. Then, my husband came home the other day and said he talked to James and James kept asking about my friend. WHAT? When I heard this my feelings were hurt instantly. I felt like I was stabbed. And the worst part about this is I can't get this creep out of my mind. I have gone through this several times a day every day since that night trying to figure out how this all happened and why I can't just let it go.
Another bad part about this is that I don't feel guilty. I feel bad for my husband because I feel like hes getting ripped off but not guilty, because my thoughts are too selfish right now. I just don't know what is happening. I don't know if I am having a breakdown of some kind or if this is some kind of mid-life crisis or something. I truly have everything I have always wanted, worked for and planned. I'm 34, husband 39. We own a nice home with a lot of nice things. I have a great family, a career that I chose, 2 sweet little boys and a husband who is honest and kind. 8 years ago this is exactly how I planned it--except I didn't have thoughts about a loser distracting me. I just feel so confused.
 | 
Linear Mode
