Hello,

My sister wants us to come to the celebration of their new twins (girls). However, my wife and my two sisters had a falling out a few years ago and haven't really spoken much since. My sister wants us to come see the twins. This would the first time I've seen them. My sister wants my wife to come as well but she's not sure if she should go as they haven't really spoken since. And, I can't seem to convince my wife to go. Any suggestions on what to do?

Thanks :-)

Homegirl 50

The one sister invited the both of you. The both of you should go. Holing on to grudges does no one good. There is no point. You have two nieces that you both should be able to enjoy. Go, it will speak volumes to the kind of people you are.
I guess I can understand why your wife is upset, but why then was she not upset with you for not putting your sisters in their place, and if your wife did not like what was being done, why did she go along with it? Do your sisters know your wife is upset and why? I mean did all of this happen over night?
At any rate, I think you both should just go and be done with it.

AdvicePlease

Thanks J_9

Our wedding was 3 years ago and yes, what's done is done. The question is what we all do now. We live about 500 miles so we are far from one another so on most days this situation is off our minds until family events come up.

My sisters don't really seem to think much about what happened other than that their only brother (me) doesn't speak much to them anymore. They apologized at the time but we asked them what they were apologizing for and one of my sisters couldn't even remember what she was apologizing for. That's the infuriating thing about it. We couldn't accept their apology because they it didn't seem genuine. They were just saying it. For me, I can make up with my sisters in one day because we are siblings. For my wife she's the new one to the family so it's hard for her to do. Yes, I do believe this is bordering dysfunction and I don't like it one bit. I came from a "together" family. My wife came from a "broken" family so what she knows to do when bad stuff happens to use the "hatchet" rather than bury it. My wife too doesn't speak to her father because he abused her and her siblings when they were children.

I agree with you that I should stick with my wife when situations come up. However, I can't fathom not ever seeing my newborn nieces. My wife thinks I should go see them but she's hesitant to go. I just recently started speaking to them again when I found out my sister was pregnant. My sister has also mentioned about coming to visit us later in the future. I'm not sure how my wife will handle that but I know this won't get settled unless they can meet face to face and if it's stays ugly afterwards then I'll know it is meant to stay like this. Agree?

Tonight, I will ask my wife again if she will go with me, however, I don't really want to pester her too much more about it.

When we are out shopping my wife does ask me if I got my nieces anything from time to time so she's also confused about what to do. It's takes a lot of strength to stay mad but she also doesn't know what to do now. When we were planning our wedding she was actually looking forward to having an additional family because her own family was so dysfunctional. I feel bad for my wife as I couldn't give her a welcoming family :-(

AdvicePlease

Thanks Homegirl 50 :-)

My sister asked if I was coming and then if my wife was coming or not. Should I consider that as inviting my wife? They told me to bring my wife. My sister's always have me relay information. They know I don't do this well so I'm always the one to has to tell my wife information and it doesn't always come out right. I'm thinking with the situation as it is why doesn't my sister call my wife and ask her? Or is that asking too much?

I have to get somewhere now. I'll answer your other questions later.

Thanks again

J_9

In all honesty, you need to sit down with your wife and tell her that she is beginning to relive her family life all over.

Before I go further, does she suffer from depression? You say she tends to use the hatchet rather than bury it. She came from an abusive home. Many red flags here for me.

J_9

Did she say "Is your wife coming or not?"

OR

Did she say "Will Suzie be able to come?"

There is a difference here.

Homegirl 50

I think you gave her a good family. They took over things thinking they were doing something special. 3 years, your wife needs to get over it. She should go with you, but if she won't go, it's her loss. You go!. Explain to you wife how important this is to you.

You know, your sisters thought they were doing something thoughtful, so maybe they didn't know why you were so upset, but they made an effort to apologize. You guys should accept it and get over it.

AKaeTrue

If your wife didn't want help planning the wedding, then how were your sisters able to do all that?
Why wouldn't your wife just stop it right then and there before a family war broke out?
Like Homegirl 50 said, your sisters probably thought they were being helpful, could be why they don't know what they're apologizing for,
but just apologizing because they know you guys were up-set about something.

grammadidi

As much as I believe that you should support your wife, I just don't think that the things you have mentioned is enough to destroy a family over. I think that as your wife she should encourage you to be close to your family without destroying your own... BUT I think that she should be by your side.

I will also speak from experience... when my husband died, I NEEDED his family. I didn't know he would die when he did. We were so young that death never entered my mind. Your wife might want to think about that. If she had a bad family life she might have a difficult time being close to your family. However, that is something you can both work on together.

Finally, if your family lives far away than this is not something that's going to be a weekly thing. I think you are well within your rights to ask her to put aside her differences and be there beside you. I hope, for your sake that she does. She doesn't have to love your family... she doesn't even have to like them! All she has to do is get along with them for a little while because it is important to you.

Hope this helps...

Hugs, Didi

Synnen

Not to be the b1tch here, but there's another side to this story.

I came from a fairly close family--a HUGE family. I love my family a lot.

I am NOT, for many reason, willing to be close to them anymore.

Put your wife first--she NEEDS to be first in order for your marriage to work. Honestly, it sounds like she's pretty healthy to me. She has no problem with YOU going, as long as you're making her your number one priority (asking, not telling) in going.

She isn't trying to exclude the kids in any way--buying them gifts when you're that far away is one of the few ways you CAN be involved in their lives anyway.

While it may be partially about the wedding thing, I'm betting there's more to it than that. Are your sisters demanding of your wife the times you ARE together with them? Do they treat her as though, because she's new to the family, her opinions are second rate, or not as weighty as theirs, or someone else's in the family? The fact that your wife made an effort to reconcile and was rebuffed is probably playing a part in this as well--it's like your sister wants it on HER terms, not your wife's.

I think your wife is right in this. Giving in right now is stupid and pointless, and will make her the "weaker" party. Yes, life is short, and anything could happen tomorrow---but life is also LONG when you're dealing with family politics. A more neutral situation would be better for a reconciliation, really--a parent's birthday, a wedding of a non-immediate family member, a family reunion, whatever. Because this is your sister's event--your sister holds the power, and your wife giving in now would be saying that she is willing to put up with whatever crap your sisters throw at her.

Just a bit of my point of view from the convoluted family politics I deal with, and a bit of devil's advocate thrown in as well. By all means go see your family--but don't expect your wife to join you.

AdvicePlease

Thanks J_9, Homegirl 50, Akaetrue, Grammadidi, Synnen for all your helpful advice. You all are great :-)

I'll let you know how things went :-)