OK, so the man i am married to and have children with has been caught again. The same as last time, text messages all ending with i love you to a number not stored in his phone.
He has asked me to give it another go and try to make it work for the kids, he says he loves me very much.

My problem is that when i asked him last time to be honest he said that nothing physical happened, apart from a couple of kisses, its the same this time..
My question is: Is it possible for them to start telling each other "i love you" without having had sex? I am asking this question as i feel he is lying and i tell him that i cant move forward with him and forgive if i dont know the truth, i dont like being blind in the lie...and it wouldnt be fair!!
Many thanks

tomterm8

it is entirely possible to say "I love you" without having sex.

None the less, you should dump the donkey, and never even think of going back. At the best he is a cheat, at the worst a fool, and you will never have a relationship with him where at the back of your mind you aren't wondering if he is having an affair with someone else.

nedya

Firstly i'd like to thankyou all for taking time out of your lives to help me with my dilema!!!
Secondly there has been some sound advice here and although not always comfortable reading the truth hurts. Its right that just the fact that emotionally he has cheated is enough, he hasnt changed as a person, its only been 6 weeks and he's already using lines like "get over it" the barstard!!!
In conclusion the best option for me and my children is to divirce this man, i dont want my children to grown up thinking this is how relationships are and to then go and make the same mistakes with their own wives!!
It is not accepatble and i have come to the realization that this would keep on happening as it did in the past and so have made an appointment at my local solicitors to start divorce proceedings.
The only question left i suppose is:is the grass greener on the other side? I am hoping it is, i would hate to think that i would not meet another man to share my life with, i mean i'm not thinking about that right now but these questions do crop up....In terms of the better the devil you know etc... which his family tell me often.
I suppose that rather than anything else (ie:loving him, which has diminished over time) has stopped me from going through with the divorce before.
THANK YOU

amIwrong

I have gone through that "is the grass greener" and I still am in a since. No one can really answer that. If depends on the person you end up with. For starters make sure not to end up with the same person. I mean, it's no coinsidence that some of the people we're attracted to have similar personalities as the people we were once with. If you don't want a repeat of the same situation then don't date the exact same person. When there are similarities don't rush to a conclusion either. It's hard, it's really hard after you have been burned. Just take your time and love yourself. You need to regain confidence and clear your mind before your able to feel good about the next situation. Best wishes.

JBeaucaire

I'm not consoling you to actually divorce him, I would probably work to find some other approach based on my "til death do us part" mentality, but I will honor your decisions with my response.

First, you don't need to ask his permission. Just make it happen. Let him know when it's done.

Second, you don't need to allow this to be a hateful "how dare you you evil b*st*rd" scenario. In fact, as far as the kids are concerned, you NEED to stay calm and relaxed through it all. You need to continue to praise their father in front of him and behind his back. Do not sabotage their relationship. Don't, not ever.

Fidelity is hard, it really is. There needs to be something going on in your lives other than the love bond that you base the ability to stay faithful on. That's hard. Apparently you two never developed that. If you think it won't happen, I suppose calling it quits is reasonable. Just stay reasonable through the process.

You loved this man. Honor your love for him all through this divorce. You're not divorcing him because you don't love, you're divorcing because you can't share your man and want him free to find what he needs in life, because you know now that it's not you. He wants you to "get over it"...and that's exactly what you're doing. You're getting over it, getting on with your life, and WISH HIM WELL in his search...and MEAN it.

If you can keep your good character, your happy place, your self-assurance, all of it, through this time, well, between you and me he will feel like total crap. I promise yout that. I don't want that to be your goal, of course, just know that YOU being strong and unaffected and perfectly fine over losing him will kill him. And he probably needs this to be a success in his next attempt.

Lastly, you still need to focus primarily on your family, including your ex-to-be-husband. So many people forget this and sacrifice a lot of their children's sense of safety and sanctity over some new b/f or step-dad. That's hard.

Make the goal your completely developed and focus prioiritized life around your family and work. Be amibitious on their behalf. Go for broke. Ride in the fun car!

If a man does come into the picture, he needs to KNOW his place is always third behind protecting the family as a whole and parenting the children specifically, then him as your husband, but your role and commitment as mother will trump wife each and every day.

The guy that knows that, loves your family, respects your life and what you're doing with it, and STILL wants to share it, that's the guy you want. None other.

Good luck. Be strong.

sally20

Hi and I know what you mean my husband cheated on me to and when he told me that nothing happened I believed him mainly because before I busted him I followed him around and realized that he wasn't cheating because of the sex maybe you all need to sit down and talk about what he needs and why instead of coming to you for his needs he feels he needs to go to someone else it really worked for my husband and me we talked and he told me that he did it because he just needed to feel more loved and not in the sex way in the teenage way loved so maybe thats what you all need but ask him why he is doing what he's doing theres always a reason for every action we take and every descion we make...

talaniman

I feel the pain your decision has caused. maybe a separation would be better so he can make his own decision, at least that's what I thought until I read this,
Get rid of this bastard, and raise your kids in love and not delusion.

DoulaLC

You can love someone, but that doesn't make them the best marriage partner for you. He has shown with his comment of "just get over it" that he has no interest in rebuilding the broken trust. It is his role to do that, he should be bending over backwards to regain your trust and respect instead of wanting to sweep it under the rug.
I wish you well....it is a difficulty journey and there is no easy way through it, but your self-worth is invaluable and that will be restored in the end.

p.s.....the grass often seems greener on the other side, until you realize that you still have to mow it there too!