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Barcrim · Mar 2, 2010, 01:00 PM

Married for 41 yrs to a very successful man who traveled a lot and drank a lot. Suspected he had had an affair in the past but chose to ignore. Recently discovered phone calls to several unknown numbers. After confrontation, he admitted having a couple of 'one night stands' and an intermittent 2 yr affair and an intermittent 5 yr affair nearly 20 yrs ago. He has however, remained in touch w/2 of these women as well as other female friends through the years. So in addition to 'physical cheating'... we have 'emotional cheating' at best as well.
I feel betrayed on many levels... we are retired, have a good social life but after 2 yrs, I am very very angry. Its very difficult to bail out at my age tho' I never want to look back and say... "coulda, should have...
P.S. He's very apolgetic and I doubt he wld cheat on me now that he's been discovered. But he's definitely NOT the man I married w/hight expectations for his family but not for himself.

Devorameira · Mar 2, 2010, 03:07 PM

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through.

I think a one night stand could happen once, but your husband has surpassed that by leaps and bounds. I hate to say this, but I personally don’t think his cheating is over. The only way a serial cheater can stop is to completely break it off with the women involved and get some long term counseling. If he’s not willing to do that, you may as well leave now or prepare for more heartache down the road.

I’d suggest that you have some counseling to help rebuild your self-confidence/esteem. You deserve to be treated better than you have.

talaniman · Mar 3, 2010, 09:50 AM

Now that your eyes are open, maybe you can set new boundaries, and limits that help you both.

After 41 years at least talk honestly about it.

Gemini54 · Mar 5, 2010, 01:55 AM

Look if he's been cheating all this time, so many times, then I think you both have to take some responsibility.

You did choose to 'ignore' what you suspected in the past, so you've contributed to continuing the infidelities as well by not saying anything at the time.

No one is the same after 41 years of marriage - I am sure you're not the woman he married either - how could you both be the same as you were 41 years ago?

Take a step back and ask yourself what you really want - yea, I'm sure that life is comfortable, and I'm also sure that you're pretty angry (both with him and yourself).

I suspect your husband habitually seeks emotional and sexual sustenance outside your marriage - ask yourself and him if he's likely to stop this pattern of behavior.

His answer and your response may guide your decision.

Cat1864 · Mar 5, 2010, 09:23 AM

You mention your social life and being retired, but how was your marriage before you got proof about his infidelity? Were there obvious problems or did you think everything was going well?

The physical cheating may be in the past, however, it is much harder to stop the 'emotional' cheating.

I agree that counseling sounds like a good place to start.

Kitkat22 · Mar 5, 2010, 09:33 AM

I'm sorry to have to say this but he isn't going to change! Give it awhile and see . Do you have children? Do they know?

excon · Mar 5, 2010, 09:52 AM

Originally Posted by Barcrim

Its very difficult to bail out at my age tho' I never want to look back and say..."coulda, shoulda.....

Hello B:

It's no more difficult for you to move on than it is for ANY married woman. Yeah, you're older. M,kay. So, get the grandkids to carry your boxes for you.

Or stay and work it out. Don't be ambivalent. DO one or the other. That way you can't look back and say could have, should have.

excon