Caught husband cheating, how do I know when it's time to leave?
Nine months ago, I found out that my husband was having an affair and had a one night stand with at least one other person. He was traveling 100% for work so it was very easy for him to hide it from me. We have gone through counseling and have tried hard to make the marriage work. I will say that he is working very hard to save our marriage. I wanted to work it out at first and have worked hard at it also. I think I wanted it to work for a number of reasons one being that I have gained weight and I am because I am afraid to get out there and date again. Anyway, he thinks we are doing very well and that everything is back to normal. I don't feel the same way but he doesn't know that. I just cannot get over what he did. It haunts my thoughts everyday. Everyone says that it will get easier as time goes by but the only change I have felt is that I am getting used to feelings not that they are going away. I often think that I should leave him and that I should have done it a while ago. However, when we are together, he is a very good husband. He provides well for us and I was even able to quit my job. If I do leave him, I will have to get a job and support myself. I am not sure I would find anyone better than him. I just don't know what to do.
Your conflict sounds mostly like you have not gotten over the past and it most likely caused you to 'fall out of love' with him. You can try finding the old spark but you have to get over his past and forgive him. If you have doubts about being with him think long and hard about the pro's and con's and try and see where everything fits together and what is reasonable in working things out.
It sounds like you don't have a lot of self esteem. Been there myself. You need to become confident in yourself. If you need to lose weight, then start, and start small. Force yourself to walk 30 min everyday. Don't buy junk food at the store, and don't eat fast food. Take a class, or pursue an interest. Try to remember what made you fall in love with your husband. Tell him what you need from him. If he is willing to do those things for you, then maybe you can work it out. Get counseling, and work hard at it. If you still feel the same way after you've regained some self esteem, then follow your heart. It is hard to forgive when you've been hurt so deeply. It takes a lot of time. Like I said, I've been there too.
Be honest with him and see how will two of you will decide. You may need to live somewhere for the meantime or arrange another honeymoon in Paris to regain closeness.
Follow these steps slowly and carefully to heal your relationship.
By Sarí Harrar and Rita DeMaria, Ph.D.
Nine Steps for the Betrayed Spouse
You want to scream and rail at your partner. You want all the details about the affair. Above all, you want the secrecy to stop. These strategies can help you find what you need to heal, to repair your marriage, and to move forward with your life.
1. Ask lots of questions. At first, you may want all the factual details: How often did you meet? When did you cross the line from friends to lovers? What sexual acts did you share? How many times? Where? How much money did you spend on him or her? Who else knows about your affair? Later, your questions may shift as you think about your partner's emotions, about the reasons he or she was pushed and pulled into the affair, about whether the affair has turned a spotlight on a hidden weakness in your own marriage.
2. Balance your rage with your need for information. You want to scream, cry, and lash out -- but big emotions may prevent your spouse from making the full disclosure that leads to recovery. To get the truth (and form a tighter connection with your spouse), be compassionate about your partner's emotions. "When you get all the facts, you're not obsessed anymore," Vaughan says. "The only way your spouse will be willing to answer is if you can manage not to lash out and attack every time. Spouses who've had affairs are afraid to reveal everything because they're worried it will become a marathon, with a downward spiral of out-of-control emotions." If one of you becomes upset, it's time to stop the discussion for now.
3. Set a time limit on affair talk. Restrict yourselves to 15 to 30 minutes. Don't let the affair take over your lives. Do ask questions as they arise instead of building up resentment and long lists of questions. "Don't let your worries go underground. Keep talking," Vaughan says.
4. Expect curveballs. The spouse who had the affair may become angry or even accuse you of betraying him or her. Keep the focus on the affair itself.
5. Talk about how the affair has affected you. Discuss your doubts, disappointments, feelings of betrayal and abandonment, anger, and sadness. As your partner builds a wall between him- or herself and the former lover, help open a window of intimacy between the two of you. Don't hold back.
6. Don't forgive quickly or easily.You must grapple with your pain and anger first and rebuild trust.
7. Find support. Reconnecting with family and friends, and even finding a support group to join, can help you feel less isolated.
8. Spend time together without talking about the affair. Connect as friends and romantic partners by doing the things you've always enjoyed.
9. Forgive only when you're ready. You'll never forget an affair, but the painful memories will fade with time. Forgiveness allows you to move past the pain and rage and to reconcile with your partner. Take this important step only when you feel ready to let go of your negative feelings, when your partner has been completely honest and has taken steps to rebuild your trust.
Ask yourself can you live without him, is what he did bigger than what you share as husband and wife?
I think that if you really love him, you should please find it in yourself to forgive him. Right now its haunting you, you cant stop thinking about it, and you dont even look at him the same anymore. Ive felt that heartbreak and its not easy. The money and support should not replace your happiness. Talk to him, don't tuck your feelings away, there is never a time limit on pain. Most important get out and just enjoy you, you have to have some kind of outlet. Nobody can tell you if you should stay or leave but your heart.
You really are not very far out from finding out & it's such a devastating blow that it takes quite a while to successfully recover. At first the shock of it all & desire not to have everything change overnight made it easier to stay. Now you are a bit past that so you're asking yourself if it is worth staying because you have a H that is trying to right his wrongs to you & the marriage. Not everyone gets that option. It is something you will have to talk out & work thru together, letting him know your feelings is important. But also be sure to let him know the things he's been doing that are right too.
You can find a lot of support & wisdom about successfully getting past this traumatic time at
Be patient with yourself, finding out your partner has been dishonest, disloyal & unfaithful is a terrible thing to go thru. His actions after your discovery matter very much obviously in whether or not your marriage can successfully get past this & your healing is able to take place with him. You are still working thru the stages of grief that an affair causes in the betrayed spouse.
Two big questions to think about when it is getting to you are:
Is he doing something now that he shouldn't be? (Anything that makes you uncomfortable or is hurtful to you?)
Is he not doing something now that he should be? (Anything that makes you feel more loved, valued or that makes it easier for you to trust him again)
Then talk to him about that & how you are still hurting from the betrayal. It sounds like he is remorseful & is willing to work thru this with you but he needs your help to do that by your explaining what your feelings / thoughts are. The recovery for a good marriage is a team effort & your partner can't help if he doesn't know what is going on. Just like you couldn't help him when he started thinking cheating would be a good idea cuz he didn't talk to you then when all this betrayal chaos could have been avoided.
I believe a family that prays together stays together. You will need to allow yourself
to gain some healing in order to regain your trust but let your husband know of your
feelings. Don't leave your husband or your husband leaves you for space because
you need to be reunited with your husband. Stop listening to all your friends and
family and make your own decision on this matter because your made vows not only
to your husband but to God.
I think that you have already answered your own question.
You have said that you want(ED) it to work and that he was trying very hard to save the marriage. How is he doing that? Is what he is doing enough for you? Can you accept that you can not change the past and what he has done? If not then how can you stay with him? I am NOT telling you to leave your husband ONLY YOU can make that decision. But at the same time do you want to remain unhappy and quiet to save face? I FEEL that YOU need to take some time and decide for YOU what will make you happy? Do not think for one monment that because you have gained weight that you are not an attractive person and that noone will ever love you again. There is someone for everyone and everyone is looking for someone different.
Good luck and remember you are worth much more than you give yourself credit for keep your chin up, and every morning look in the mirror and say I am worth it, I am special and somebody loves me for me.
you and your husband still have a lot of talking to do, mainly because you are not being up front with him, he thinks every things ok and why wouldn't he.....because he doesn't know any different.
I agree there is no excuse for what has happened but you write that you are both trying to sort it out, so initially you must have wanted to try to save your marriage.
He has obviously told you why it happened but this is not enough, you need lots of time and understanding from your husband, he needs to earn back your trust and love,prove to you that he is truelly sorry.
You can only do this if you are totally honest with him, go somewhere quiet have a drink relax and discuss what you wish your future to be, what you expect from him, the time you will need to heal,if infact you can.
Make it clear that you will try to forgive him, but he has to earn that forgiveness.
Tell him you don't know how you feel about him because he has hurt you deeply and until that starts to heal your not sure if the marriage is the right way to go.
I have to say on reading your post,even though he has done the unforgivable, he sounds deep down that he is a good man who takes care of you very well, it's a real shame this had to happen i really hope that you will understand and eventually be able to forgive.
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