My wife has suddenly obtained a best friend who happens to be male. After reading through several threads about said subject it appears that I should be ok with this. I am ok with her having a male friends however I am unsure of boundaries I have seen many people bring up. I feel that some of the stuff she does with him are not appropriate.
For example I am fine when they go out to a book store, have coffee, catch lunch. However on two instances while I was out of town he has come to our house and they watched a movie together, she made him dinner and they basically spent the entire day together. Once when the kids where there, another when they were not. I am trying to be ok with this sort of activity because I feel it is wrong for me to be bothered by it, but I still feel in my gut that it is not appropriate behavior for someone who is married.
I do not know this guy and he has only surfaced within the last few months. She does things with him she has never done with any of her other friends and spends way more time then she has ever spent with any of her friends. In fact the only person she has behaved this way with before is me.
I know for a fact she is not having any type of romantic involvement with him, and I know they are just friends. However I can't help but to fear the relationship might develop into something more. It is likely my history is a major factor because I have had the exact same thing happen with two past girlfriends I loved dearly who left me for their new best friend.
So should there be boundaries? If so what? Am I wrong to be bothered by him coming to my house and spending the entire day with her while I am away? If so what is a good way to get past my negative emotions so that she can be with her friend and I can not feel sick to my stomach all day?
We have talked about it and fought about it. Right now we are compromising and she is only going to go to public places with him. I am fine with that. We plan on all getting together so I can meet him and get to know him. She does tell me when they are doing things and was only secretive about it before I "found out about him". There are relationship issues between also. I can go into those if need be but would prefer not if it is not neccessary. I think that should cover any question someone helping might ask. Thanks in advance for everyone's time.
The key here is communication. You need to let your wife know exactly how you feel and why.
I would want to know if my husband was spending all this time with a woman. I would not feel right about it at all. There should definetly be boundaries - and those should be set on what you can live with.
I think it is good that there is a get together coming up so you can meet this man. I am surpirsed you haven't already. If you hear warning bells go off after you spend time with the two of them together -then don't ignore them.
She met him through Myspace or Facebook, and through a mutual friend. They started talking over mutual interest in books. Funny thing is all the books this guy reads, I read also and have suggested to her before. Only now is she reading him. There are multiple things like this that drive me bonkers. It really creates a feeling of being left behind.
Accidently hit enter. I haven't met him earlier due to work schedules. I have been working weekends, and she works night where I work days. It has been impossible for us to do much together. This touches into to some of the relationship issues I vaguely mentioned.
I may be the type to over think things - or look for things that are not there, but...
In my absoulte honest opinion, I don't think there is much good that can come from the relationship that you are explaining.
Is this man married or single? Gay or straight?
It sounds to me like your wife is missing something in your relationship, otherwise she would not feel the need to go to another man for her needs. You two need to get some professional help. What are you doing to cause this rift? What do you spend excessive time doing?
I may be the type to over think things - or look for things that are not there, but...
In my absoulte honest opinion, I don't think there is much good that can come from the relationship that you are explaining.
Is this man married or single? Gay or straight?
He is single, and straight.
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It sounds to me like your wife is missing something in your relationship, otherwise she would not feel the need to go to another man for her needs. You two need to get some professional help. What are you doing to cause this rift?[/qoute]
She is missing something in our relationship. We have communicated about this most of which is my fault. I am working on our issues. Our conflicting work schedules also have taken a pretty big toll on our relationship I believe.
[qoute]What do you spend excessive time doing?
I spend 8 hours a day at work and then come home. When I arrive home she leaves for work and I busy myself taking care of my 5 year old and 10 month old. Homework, cleaning up after dinner, changing diapers typical stay at home dad stuff only in the evening. Pretty much our kids are my life. For the last two months I have been working a second job to help with bills on the weekends. But the problems arose before this. However I would like to keep the topic more focused on what to do about the guy because we are both aware of the other issues and are working on those. If the information on other issues are neccesary for this topic then Iwill elaborate on it further but would prefer not to.
I think you are delving too deeply into all the circumstances. This is wrong and needs to end. There is an old saying: If it looks right, it might be wrong but if it looks wrong it's gotta be wrong.
This definitely looks wrong to me and I can see it on the surface, no studies needed.
I agree that her friendship is excessive. But I want to say that I think the same would apply if it was a husband with a woman "pal." On this list, I see a lot of support for married or involved men having "girl _ friends." I think that's just as inappropriate as this. Jealousy is a normal human emotion and, in my opinion, people should not do things that worry their spouses. Obviously, just talking to someone or having a casual friend of the opposite sex is one thing. But spending many hours alone with them? I don't think so.
Muxe, I also think you should find a way to spend more time one on one with your wife. She is obviously lonely in her relationship to you. That's not okay either. Do you really have to have that second job? I would recommend simplifying your life if you can. The marriage is more important than a nice house or car. Divorce is expensive and you are in a position to save a lot of money and heartache by become a good husband as well as a good father and provider. Life isn't easy when you have small kids, and you have to make choices.
Okay, he is single and straight. I really think a fine line is being walked right now.
I don't think it is healthy for your wife to be spending so much time with this person. It could easily turn from innocent to ugly quickly.
And I have to wonder what is his pay off? Why does a single, straight man spend so much time with a person that is not available to them? He has to be getting more out of this than good conversation.
Again - communication is key. You have to keeps those lines open. You have to tell her exactly how this makes you feel and what you want to see happen in the future.
You also need to start a date night tradition. If at all possible, make it 2 times a month. If that is not possible - then at least once a month.
That one on one time is very important.
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