My wife has suddenly obtained a best friend who happens to be male. After reading through several threads about said subject it appears that I should be ok with this. I am ok with her having a male friends however I am unsure of boundaries I have seen many people bring up. I feel that some of the stuff she does with him are not appropriate.
For example I am fine when they go out to a book store, have coffee, catch lunch. However on two instances while I was out of town he has come to our house and they watched a movie together, she made him dinner and they basically spent the entire day together. Once when the kids where there, another when they were not. I am trying to be ok with this sort of activity because I feel it is wrong for me to be bothered by it, but I still feel in my gut that it is not appropriate behavior for someone who is married.
I do not know this guy and he has only surfaced within the last few months. She does things with him she has never done with any of her other friends and spends way more time then she has ever spent with any of her friends. In fact the only person she has behaved this way with before is me.
I know for a fact she is not having any type of romantic involvement with him, and I know they are just friends. However I can't help but to fear the relationship might develop into something more. It is likely my history is a major factor because I have had the exact same thing happen with two past girlfriends I loved dearly who left me for their new best friend.
So should there be boundaries? If so what? Am I wrong to be bothered by him coming to my house and spending the entire day with her while I am away? If so what is a good way to get past my negative emotions so that she can be with her friend and I can not feel sick to my stomach all day?
We have talked about it and fought about it. Right now we are compromising and she is only going to go to public places with him. I am fine with that. We plan on all getting together so I can meet him and get to know him. She does tell me when they are doing things and was only secretive about it before I "found out about him". There are relationship issues between also. I can go into those if need be but would prefer not if it is not neccessary. I think that should cover any question someone helping might ask. Thanks in advance for everyone's time.
You asked if there should be boundaries and the answer is yes, of course there should be boundaries, it’s a marriage. The term for a marriage without boundaries is referred to as an “open marriage.” Which means that either partner is free to engage is sex with someone other than their spouse.
Is that what you want, an open marriage? If not, then you need to tell her. Otherwise, it looks like she is headed there with or without you. Emotional cheating is just another form of cheating. It's nothing more than a precursor to the next step.
My husband works a lot, and his work sometimes keeps him away for 4 or 5 days at a time, but when he is gone, I don't go out seeking the companionship of other men, and I certainly don't invite other men to our home when he is not here.
I don’t think you should stand there and do nothing. But I don’t believe in trying to control someone either. If this was my marriage, and my husband were doing to me what your wife is doing to you, I would ask him to stop. I would give no reason other than the fact that it bothers me, upsets me and causes me to be “sick to my stomach all day.” If he agreed to stop seeing her, fine. But if he argued with me, and/or told me he would not stop seeing her, that would be the end of the conversation and him.
She has a choice, her family or this new man? If what she is doing upsets you, for any reason, she should stop doing it. If she were eating crackers in bed and leaving crumbs all over the place, would you ask her to stop? Of course you would. This is no different.
And I have to wonder what is his pay off? Why does a single, straight man spend so much time with a person that is not available to them? He has to be getting more out of this than good conversation.
I think this is uncalled for. Why fan the flames of jealousy? We can't know what this man is thinking just because we now know he is straight and single. We can't assume there's sex involved or he is getting a "payoff." I would tend to assume not, based on what Muxe has said.
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Originally Posted by NowWhat
You also need to start a date night tradition. If at all possible, make it 2 times a month. If that is not possible - then at least once a month. That one on one time is very important.
I totally agree with this, except I'd make it once a week. It doesn't need to be an expensive date, but it should be just the two of you somewhere that you can talk about things if you want to or just have fun.
I agree that her friendship is excessive. But I want to say that I think the same would apply if it was a husband with a woman "pal." On this list, I see a lot of support for married or involved men having "girl _ friends." I think that's just as inappropriate as this. Jealousy is a normal human emotion and, in my opinion, people should not do things that worry their spouses. Obviously, just talking to someone or having a casual friend of the opposite sex is one thing. But spending many hours alone with them? I don't think so.
Muxe, I also think you should find a way to spend more time one on one with your wife. She is obviously lonely in her relationship to you. That's not okay either. Do you really have to have that second job? I would recommend simplifying your life if you can. The marriage is more important than a nice house or car. Divorce is expensive and you are in a position to save a lot of money and heartache by become a good husband as well as a good father and provider. Life isn't easy when you have small kids, and you have to make choices.
There are three things that stand out about your situation: 1) You have never met him; 2) he comes to the house when you're not at home; and 3) she kept things secretive until you "found out about him." You are being very generous in allowing them to catch lunch together, etc., and I don't think you're being the least bit out of line by asking about boundaries. Your marriage and respect for each other as a couple are vital and take first priority for your marriage to survive. Perhaps you can all share a meal together and judge the relationship for yourself. What about his coming to the house only when you are at home? I also know it's difficult for a true friendship, whether male or female, to develop in threes. A friendship does need SOME one-on-one time, which you are allowing. I'm a married woman, and I'd have trouble with ALL their encounters being one on one. Ask to meet this important person in her life. It's your right.
Bravo for you allowing your wife to be a fulfilled human being with contact with the real world and freedom as it should be.
It is healthy and logical that she have friends. The fact that it is bothering you ( you wrote about it and thought about it) means
your jelious and worried. If that is the case YOU need to spice up YOUR friendship with her. You will feel better if you get to
spend time with her equally. You just miss her and think she is having fun without you. WHICH it sounds like she is.
THIS CAN HAPPEN WITH FEMALE OR MALE FRIENDS. Good for you for missing her and it sounds like you can balance things out.
You are married to her so relax and continue to be independantly loving. Invite her to do stuff with you, YOU CAN BE THE BIGGER FRIEND!
Make it happen. One thing I must remind you. Dont cut her off from the world or tell her she can be friends with people its not fair.
It you want more of her, plan it and make it happen. In the long run your relationship will relish in it!
Ive been with my husband 27 years, had many friends and thus never stray or feel smoothered or want out.
My husband is MY BEST FRIEND! TrusT IS EVErything!
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