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Bi-polar, infertile husband, PLEASE GIVE ADVICE. (by wife)
I got married nearly 4 years ago. Recently I found out that my husband is bi-polar and has pathological lying disorder. Just before that. We took was out $27,000 for IVF treatment, and long story short he stopped working and would not get a job, created debt, lied about it etc. While I was going to school working full time, and doing IVF treatments alone. He did not go to one appointment with me and the only reason we choose this route was because it was his preference, I was ok with using a donor, but he was not, thus the $27,000 in savings and loans. It’s not a start and stop process that you can just randomly cancel or not. I have given him deadlines, ultimatums, I am tried to understand him, encourage him, but there was a time when I started to fall apart. Even when I did, I still went to work, I still went to school and I still managed the household by myself.
I had to cancel the IVF 2 weeks away from the implantation. I did it on purpose because I saw that this was not a situation for a child to be in. Though it was the most gut wrenching thing I have ever done in my life. I did get a refund of funds that weren't used, which wasn't much, since we used nearly all of that money in the process to pay for the daily ultrasounds, lab work, drugs, etc. and what was left over basically covered the debt he created.
Needless to say, there was no romance, haha, no intimacy, etc.
Much less stability, assurance, support, help with the household, etc. He would have job interviews, and I would call to make sure he was awake and he would not answer the phone, I would have everyone call the house over and over and he would not get up. I would leave work to get him up knowing he wouldn’t have gone and may not have anyway. He would say he had gotten a job and then not bring home a paycheck. For the longest time I thought he was cheating. But some detective work only proved that he maybe had some minor crushes but not affairs.
Now, it’s been over a year, we have been separated, now legally seperated for 2 weeks. I needed to do so to clear my mind, and for him the same. We still live together, because of his circumstances. But I thought after this point he might want to work at getting himself together. He hasn’t. He finally got a job (4 months ago) making significantly less, I got a pay raise but thanks to his lowered pay I don’t reap the benefits of a pay increase and still have these new bills from him and the IVF. He says he has problems and is trying to make it just day by day.
It came up to a mutual friend of ours, and our friend and I discussed having a child together. I know that sounds bazaar, but he cares for me, and we both want a child. It has ended up where this friend is someone I choose because I care for him, he is a good guy, I trust him, etc, etc, etc. So then I wondered, those are qualities that you would want in a significant other, those are qualities I wanted in my husband, that I thought were there, and were, through bouts of clarity, etc. So then as conversation of this began more and more he and I agreed that we both felt we would be good for each other in that way.
It feels like I am leaving my husband behind, dumping him on his own, just to watch me move forward without him. I don't love him any less. (sobs) but I can’t go on like this either. I have told him honestly and up front that I spoke to our friend about this, etc, etc. So I am not planning anything without everyone’s knowledge. I am dealing with the guilt that I left behind someone I love very much, who also dreamed of a life with stability and a family, but leaving him behind knowing he won’t have that, and that he won’t even have me either. I am horrified. I am scared I will lose my husband as a friend, though I have no right to ask him to stand by and watch this. I have no right to ask our friend who is a good man to stand by and watch me be a sacrificial lamb to the cause either.
WoW what a novel. I dont think it would be fair of me to give you a response if I have not completely read it. At this moment I don't have that much time on my hand. I guess I should be clear. I will respond to this at later time.
You married to be his wife, not his mother. If he can't get his act together seek professional help for his mental health, what does he expect you to do? Sounds like you have gone above and beyond with him and he only wants to hide away from the world. He is ashamed of his condition and doesn't want to seek help and it sounds like it will cost him his marriage.
If your decision to seek a divorce didn't motivate him to seek counseling then nothing will. I don't blame you for wanting something better.
I agree with emland, sounds like you have taken steps to help him. He does not want help right now. I think it is fair to say you can go if you want to. I am also going to add, only because when you are dealing with someone with that disorder, they can be or get to be dangerous. How old is he. I have heard that it stats to come out between 18 and 24, the real signs of bi polar. I want to make sure that both of you are safe. You sound like you don't want to leave him in the dust, but he hasn't given you much of a choice, has he? I am not an expert but i wouldn't jump into anything with anyone else until this situation has settled. I hope you and he will be ok whether you are together or apart. Good luck.
ok. I have to agree with everyone else. It seem that you have done all you can do. If you think divorce is your best option, I would encourage you tell take care of yourself before you enter into another relation. I am sure this other guy you like may be a good person, but just make sure your ready to enter into a new relationship.
Bi-polor can be a terrible thing my cousin is now 47 but when she was younger she was diagnosed bi-polor and went through many doctors and then stopped and would not return or continue the medications. We thought many times she was on street drugs and many abandoned her. She had children and the family had to turn against her to make sure the children were safe, because she would not get help. She had so many different things going on in her life and they were all bad. The children are old enough to understand now and do see her but there was no way she could have raised them and was in one failed relationship after another always ending them by going crazy and blaming everyone else. I dont know that you can do anything for these poor people that are Bi-polor if they dont want to get help. I have several friends also that suffer from this and their lives are an absolute struggle most of the time and they have received help and medications and yet they still have days and weeks at a time that you do not want to be around them.
My mother is schizophrenic and my brother is bi-polar and I don’t have any other family in the same state, so basically I don’t have a support system and I know just how tough it can be already. I think my guilt and struggle to make sure they don’t fall by the wayside plays into this for me. So far, I am struggling with how to deal with the whole social aspect, which is our friends. Most of them are out of state, so is the rest of his and my family and I don’t want to have to explain the story from beginning to end to all of them, or even if I did, have to exploit mine or his personal business. It’s ugly because if I don’t explain something they will all just think I left this perfectly good marriage behind and seemingly had a child with a friend of ours, which, obviously we know what that looks like. Even if not advice, thanks for the words of encouragement, I need all I can get right now.
To Richcali and J-9 I really don't understand the hostility. I reponded to the question at later time. It is NONE OF YOUR CONCERN as to when I answer and what I say. I have always tried to be respectful when making comments on this site and feel I have NOT done anything wrong. It Clear BOTH OF YOU have CHOSEN to ignore the fact that I DID RESPOND to her question and my advise was sincere. My comment was truthful and not said with the intent to be rude to anyone. Read ALL post before you jump to conclusions
[I don't know how much you know about Bi-Polar but if he is not taking any meds for this he will not be any better. I just left my husband and he is bi-polar and he took me for a ride I will never forget.....I care about him too but I also know he does not want to help himself and there will NEVER be a future for us especially since he refuses to except he has a mental disorder and won't take his med's.......I say lifes to short BE HAPPY!
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