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darren303 · Sep 5, 2006, 03:04 AM

I have been with my wife for nine years this month we will see our fifth wedding anniversary. We have two fantastic kids and are very happy and I believe still deeply in love with each other...

However just lately the only time we make love is when my wife has been out and under the influence of drink...

We have always had a fantastic sex life and when she has had a drink we still do...

She told me the reason she can't when she's not had a drink is she feels the almighty pressure come down on her when she gets into bed with me...

Earlier this year my wife had an affair which we have resolved and we are moving on... I have also in the past been unfaithfully and told her of an occasion which she didn't know about when I found out she was having an affair... she always new about the offer bits were I was unfaith full and could put it down to a time and work it out.. with this one she couldn't and this one was the only time I had gone the all the way...

What advice can you give us to help in the bedroom...

There is love between us and I can't see that ever changing I love her to bits and want to be with her forever...

Fr_Chuck · Sep 5, 2006, 05:35 AM

I wonder do you go out with her when she is out drinking ?

And honestly going out and getting drunk is not an answer to any problem and will only cause a lot more in the long term.

And I am sorry it is hard for me to believe someone loves someone and has had several affairs from what it sounds. But with that said if both parties want to make this work, you need seroius marriage counseling.

darren303 · Sep 5, 2006, 08:09 AM

I didn't ask to be judged I asked for advice counselling at the momment is not a option as my wife finds it hard to talk about such things! Sometimes I am out with her when she has a drink others I am not... I know getting drunk isn't the answer hence the reason I posted my question on here!

Krs · Sep 5, 2006, 08:13 AM

Everybody finds counseling hard to start with.
But its surprising how much it helps in the long run. This is something you2 have to agree on.
Why at the moment its hard for your wife?

darren303 · Sep 5, 2006, 08:51 AM

My Wife even though enjoys bedroom activity doesn't and never has like talking about it... even in conversations or jokingly at work, hence why counseling on a sexual nature may be just too much, which is why I wish to leave to a last resort...

JoeCanada76 · Sep 5, 2006, 09:21 AM

No one is judging you. It is you unable to see the truth or hear it from other people. As far as marriage and trying to make it work. I am not to sure about it because there is no communication. Without communication it won't work. If somebody is unable to talk and keep the lines of communication open it will not work. Counseling is the best option here. For you and your wife.

Joe

phillysteakandcheese · Sep 5, 2006, 11:17 AM

I think your wife still has issues that she can't face sober.

I get the impression that there are lots of secrets and a “big space” between the two of you.

You both need help facing these problems and counseling is the first step.

valinors_sorrow · Sep 5, 2006, 05:14 PM

What goes wrong in the bedroom usually begins by going wrong elsewhere. It may be invisible until it shows up in the sexual arena but that is aided by people being busy and not paying attention or people being in denial and not seeing things as they are. Sex is a lot like money, great when you have plenty but very symptomatic of something larger when you don't. This is fairly universal from what I have observed. Until you are prepared to address the source, it will be an exercise in chasing symptom after symptom. The greatest help I could ever offer is to remind you and your wife both that intimacy begins with revealing your souls, not your bodies and that great sex is born out of great intimacy and its subsequent cousin, deep and mutual trust. There isn't a hot sexual technique in the world that can compare to that. Repairing the damage done by affairs is perhaps harder than either of you thought? I know that drink is one method for forgetting, and, with all due respect, there are some understandable things to be forgotten here. I am just not very certain it will work quite that way, if that is the case. Just a thought or two to lend some perspective -- I hope that was helpful.

Krs · Sep 6, 2006, 12:12 AM

Originally Posted by darren303

My Wife even though enjoys bedroom activity doesnt and never has like talking about it...even in conversations or jokingly at work, hence why councelling on a sexual nature may be just to much, which is y i wish to leave to a last resort....

You have celebrated your fifth year anniversary... and your wife STILL doesn't like talking about bedroom activity with you... :cool:
:confused: :eek:

COMMUNICATION is the key, if there is no communication to me there is no relationship..

Maybe you can try working on that, and take it step by step!

Daementia · Sep 12, 2006, 03:34 AM

Yes I do think that communication is essential in a relationship... sorry to ask that but how many times have you tried to talk about the problem with her? And besides your bedroom problem do you have any other problems in your relationship?

talaniman · Sep 12, 2006, 05:19 AM

If you want a quick fix to a deep rooted problem there is none that I know of. Your wife's drinking disturbs me and your acceptance of it even more. If you want to survive whatever is between you two you must communicate, and get a professional to guide you through this process, it would benefit you both in my opinion. This should be the first step, not the last resort, because you already are at that point ,but don't want to face it. Get help now.

SINGLE4 · Sep 12, 2006, 12:56 PM

You say yous only make love when she is "under the influence"! How often is that? Does she go out with her girl friends to drink or are there men there too? How often do you go out?

Also, since there has been quite a bit of infidelity here on both your parts... I think counseling is the ONLY option! Obviously you two can't talk about your problems since she "doesn't feel confortable about talking about it"! Do you know everything about her past? For instance, has she had any sexual abuse from the past and she's not sure how to deal with it? (I'm speaking from experience here!)

Please keep in mind that none of us are judging you or trying to make you feel bad but there has to be something more going on!

cypress e · Sep 14, 2006, 06:50 PM

Forget about the sex, you have to start at the beginning when you first met your wife. You have to do the things for her that made her fall in love with you. You need to pay more attention to her needs and start treating her like the Queen I am sure she is. Work on your friendship and the trust you had in each other,without this you will never be able to live a happy life. The sex part will come in time.You have to take one step at a time. Good luck

mysticque · Sep 14, 2006, 11:42 PM

Excellent!

elan · Sep 17, 2006, 10:28 PM

Maybe you shouldn't worry about a concellor for bedroom but a general marirage counselor, if there was affairs sounds like there is something besides the bedroom that is a problem if it was fantastic to start with. Id say maybe go seperete or together or both, and get down to the root as to why the affairs occurred, after that you may notice that things start to improve in the bedroom on their own, as the current issue could very possibly be a trust issue.

anon654 · Jun 29, 2012, 02:48 PM

Hi, just wanted to share some personal experience. Just like your wife, I too find it easier to make love to my husband when I am a bit tipsy. Unfortunately, I am only too well aware of the reason for that - I just cannot relax and get my mind off my responsibilities and the million and one things I *have* to do - for work, for uni, around the house, etc. - all the things that (in my mind) are more important than "selfishly" enjoying myself. I just can't get away from these things, but a little drink helps to forget about them. So, it may be worth trying to offer your wife some help around the house, or when looking after the kids, etc. Make sure there's nothing left "on her plate", and try taking your little ones to their grandparents for the weekend every now and again. Go away for a day (just the two of you), change the scenery, share a laugh... Let her forget about the daily routine. I know it would make a lot of difference for me. And I hope it can help you, too.