My beautiful 40 yo wife wants to go dancing (with our without me) every weekend!

Uh-Oh23 · Jan 15, 2008, 02:37 PM

One part of me says, what did I miss in my relationship for the last 17+ yrs(marriage)? Did I just have it way too easy? Did I not give 100% effort to our relationship for all these years that I needed to that I now am giving? I feel guilty about this part because I am frankly not used to giving her this much attention and feel like maybe I should have all these years (she never asked/truly needed it I guess until now)!

As far as the sexy part, she truly looks awesome now-for a 40 yo she looks 29! She has worked her body back into shape after 3 kids and for that I am very proud. I have tried to keep up with her in this area, too. However, she has always been too damn honest about everyone and everything around her. For instance, I tell her that she looks better than she ever has, with the exception of our wedding day. Her answer(typical) "I know that-you don't have to tell me something I already know" this (arrogance?) is an average conversation with her lately. If I had told her this 2 years ago(before all this), she would have probably looked at me in horror and disgust to say what are you talking about, I have varicose veins, etc, and need a boob job. Well, the boob job was 2 yrs ago, so that was taken care of.
I just am not sure if this is truly her or the MLC she is going through that is leading her to positive self talk(or whatever you want to call this overconfidence and arrogance). Ultimately, I WILL NOT allow her to push me around, but I am wondering if I am being manipulated into a corner that I cannot get out of, or do I stand up to her even though this could upset this "psychosis" she is going through that you said lasted 2 years?! Aahh!

donf · Jan 15, 2008, 03:52 PM

Uh-ho,

Your wife's behavior is unacceptable as I am sure you know by now. Reining her in is going to be very difficult. You one wants someone else to cut the legs from under them.

Getting her attention is fairly simple. All you have to do is to remove your name from any and all of the accounts that you share. I caution you that might be wise to place a small add in one of the birdcage gazettes alerting the world that can no longer be responsible for the current and future debts incurred by the lady.

It will catch up to her and all of a sudden there will be cards telling her that her limit has been frozen for the foreseeable future.

She will fracture the Ozone layers she hunts for you. When the two of you tangle you have to maintain absolute control of yourself. Don't raise to her anger.

You must let her burn out and then, tell her you and her as husband and wife cannot her new chosen lifestyle rip you guys up. If that's the lifestyle she wants, then so-be-it! Your choice is still to love her but not in an open marriage where anything goes.

Uh-Oh23 · Jan 17, 2008, 12:48 PM

Donf: Toughest thing I have been through since Dad,( then Mom later) died....I hope your suggestion works because I am planning to close my half of the joint checking accts. Whoever suggested joint accts anyway was a fool. Why joint checking accounts e-v-e-r? It makes it harder to balance atm w'd's etc etc.. Anyway, as for her bills(credit cards, etc) she is already asking to "borrow" from me because she is tapped...funny how this works!...I told her to expect my $$ to be not charity, but just that-borrow. And this will be the last time she borrows. No more sugar daddy on my end. She will eventually come around that she cannot keep up this lifestyle and survive anything meaningful...Thanks donf!

donf · Jan 17, 2008, 12:59 PM

UH-oh,

The problem is not the accounts nor the fact that they are jointg. The problem is with the persons usinh the accounts.

My wife and I have had joint everything for the last 42 years. All I care about is if I need to buy some new fool toy, is there money to do that.

She knows what needs to be done with our money. She never buys anything expensive without talkng to me first..

inthebox · Jan 17, 2008, 02:04 PM

Uh-oh, sorry about your situation. I agree with what others have advised and said.

Plan A is you are married. Love your wife. Spend time together [ a date nights ] and you can have separate time apart with friends or other activities. Talk to her, ask her about her night[s] out as hard as that may be. Do not be critical - she will do it with or without your knowledge- it will drive her away. It may be a good sign that she can open up enough enough to tell you that she danced with another, if that is all that happened, without getting jealous or angry - again easier said then done. It shows her that you trust her.
Gifts. Do something, that she usually does and finds tedious, like cooking or the laundry.
Touch her affectionately. Be the loving father to your kids, not that you are not. You can't control what she does, only how you react, and that should be with patience, kindness and support [ even if you do not think the 2nd job will work out financially ]. I don't know what kind of physical shape you are in but if she looks as good as the day you got married so should you , because appearances seem to matter a great deal to her. Do your own things that you enjoy, who wants to be with a depressed person vs someone who is passionate and upbeat about something going on in their life? If she cheats or wants a divorce that is her choice. That is something beyond your control, because you are, by actions, a trusting, supportive, righteous, faithful, loving husband and father. You have been true to yourself first, and you have your integrity. It is her loss in the end.

Plan B is that while Plan A is going on, you prepare for divorce - know all the financials - tax returns, credit cards, bank accounts, credit reports, deeds, titles, soc security #s, insurance policys - home, life, health etc., retirement account[s], investments, assests and liabilities. Build supportive relationships now with your children, family, friends, co workers now - you'll need them.

I hope this is just a phase in your marriage and look back on this as a wild time; but if she is happy with herself doing these things; short of proof of cheating or an affair, not that you should be looking; be happy for her and with her. I wish the best for you both.

Uh-Oh23 · Jan 18, 2008, 03:43 PM

I am doing both A and B: Dealing with B is fun because in the process of her deciding to be a 16 yo again-, she also decided to allow our mortgage,auto and other credit payments to lapse and get very behind late summer-no I don't know where the money went!. So I have recovered from that pretty much, now dealing with all the financials from now going forward..
In the meantime, I am trying Plan A to rebuild relationship and keep up with her in every way. Yes, I am also in the best shape of my life despite 3 grade school age kids and homework every night-I love it...She is very particular about looks-(see 2-3 hours to get ready for just about any event-ugh) no sex for now because wife has child abuse issues and very non-orgasmic-plus she loves me, but no romantic spark at all right now due to the above..... Any suggestions here?

Uh-Oh23 · Jan 18, 2008, 03:46 PM

PS To clarify one comment above---i said she loves me--With this I mean that yes-she is in fact going through Mid life crisis mode, but deep down she still loves me based on my instincts......

ordinaryguy · Jan 18, 2008, 04:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Uh-Oh23

no sex for now because wife has child abuse issues and very non-orgasmic-plus she loves me, but no romantic spark at all right now due to the above..... Any suggestions here?

You sound like a good man who's trying his level best to do right by his kids and his wife in a very difficult situation.

The above comment, plus her arrogance and overconfidence, tell me that she has some very deep wounds and scars that impose some fairly stringent limits on her ability to function as a mature adult. She desperately needs therapy to help her work through this, but you can't make her want what she needs, or force her to do what she doesn't want.

Probably one of the hardest things we have to do in life is let people we love do things that "any fool can see" are self-destructive. It happens more often with our kids, but it also happens with spouses, parents, and friends. It's the downside of freedom and individual responsibility, so I don't think there's any cure for it that isn't worse than the disease.

I'm living my own variation on the themes in your story, so I really do empathize.

Uh-Oh23 · Jan 18, 2008, 05:34 PM

Ordinaryguy: You are also right on the money. She is a "perfectionist". But she will do what she tells others not to do-hypocrite. .Also--she is very verbally abusive at home in that she has not only a very hot temper/short fuse all the time, but an impatience that is mind boggling-she cuts all of us family members off mid sentence, among other things. She also seems to have this sense of entitlement to a certain lifestyle that I help provide her that is arrogance personified. I wish there was a way that I can get her to see what she does to us as a family(3 kids)?! As for therapy, Ha! When I confronted her about both personal and marriage therapy, she said why should I go somewhere where I know what they are going to say? They just tell you how bad you are, etc. I said you don't know until you try it and she just rolled her eyes so to speak.... I know this is a lot of negative about someone I love but this is truly because I am sucked in and I really care.....

My beautiful 40 yo wife wants to go dancing (with our without me) every weekend!

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