My wife and I are married 5 years. In the beginning, she adored me, and I her. But, as I become stressed with a lot of work, the realities of married life, my step-son's teenage difficulties, and new baby, I found that I snapped a lot at her, became angry at small matters. How can I go about resetting the clock? Today is Christmas, and it was ruined because I told her last night that I resented the fact that I work so hard, and seem to have nothing (not even sex--last time was months ago) to look forward to. I know that wasn't right, but what I was really saying is that I miss her and our intimacy (sexual and non-sexual) and want to be closer. Yet, I 'm afraid that when tension of my job and such mounts, I will snap at her or the kids again. What can I do? Ideas?
Well first of all, you have every right to say to her how you feel. Maybe the approach needs to be different. Also rewording things or even thinking things through first before you open your mouth. She should understand that you work really hard and that your being stressed out from work and do not want to take it out on anybody and that you need to learn better ways of dealing with things. I also believe it is necessary if you can get it set up, is counseling. Just for you to help you find better ways of handling the stress. Now if the majority of your stress is coming from work. What steps can you take through your job to make everyday easier for you. So then when you get home you will have a happier approach and feelings at home. Christmas was not ruined because you told her something last night. You need to communicate with her the way you feel, but you need to learn how to think things through first and you need to learn how to set in place coping mechanisms of stress before it gets the better of you, Right.
As far as not right, What do you mean. Those are your feelings. Maybe wording it a bit different but the meaning of it gets through your wife without hurting her. Then this would be better for you, right?
Good morning, Joe. Thanks for taking time out to answer this, all the way from Canada!
Yes, stress coping mechanisms are what I've begun working on in counseling. Thanks for suggesting it; my next session is in about a week.
My wife also has issues, I believe, which make her being fair and understanding impossible at times. But I need to do more. We fight, even in front of the kids, at least 2x a week, which is much more than what we both want. She feels unloved, uncared for, uncherished, and entirely differently than how I sought, and still want, her to feel. Once I can initiate changes good for me, and good for us all, if it still exists in some measure, well--then I'll know it's not all me.
I am glad that your taking the time to do the counseling. It is not all one person, but each person we interact with. If we start making changes within ourselves and coping mechanisms on how we deal with things. Then slowly you will start seeing changes. It does not happen right away, but that is where patience factor comes in. I do believe that there are many things that your wife can do to help the situation as well. It is not all one sided, although I guarantee you feel that sometimes it is, am I right? I do believe everything will work out the way its supposed to be.
Anytime you need to talk about anything. Or need opinions or suggestions about something. Just let me know.
What would she do if you told her you are thinking about making some changes because you don't want your marriage to be in a rut (and since she seems to want you for not much more than a room mate that brings home the money)?
Like if you try having a romantic evening once in awhile. Maybe you could have a candle lit dinner where you bring home some pre cooked food from a deli. Or think of somewhere she would like to go for a day or an evening that you could spend together.
What does she do if you just put your arms around her....or more?
What would happen if you asked her why she is being so distant toward you? Ask her what she feels might make for a better marriage.
Last resort might be
If you feel she spends too much on herself and useless things maybe try figuring out how much she actually needs to pay bills and have a little left over for her. Then tell her you feel you have the right to keep x amount of dollars for yourself since nobody else seems to be concerned about you.
Well, I have so much sympathy for your wife. My husband has done and said the same things many times. Now we have been married for 7 years and have two kids....and I feel so distant from him that I want a divorce....even though he is now really making an effort to change. You can't take back the past, you can only make the future better....but at a certain point it may be too late. Do not waste anytime making these positive changes. Be the person that YOU want to be. Each of us has wonderful gifts to give the world. Find out what your gifts are and give them. It will help you feel better because you will feel that you have a defined purpose in life. Take care and God bless!
Don't bring your work home and don't take your home to work with you. Learning to keep those two things separate, is an absolute must as taking out a bad day on your wife and family is immature and assinine. My dad told me that a long time ago, but I cleaned up his language. As for your finances, which everyone says is the number one reason for a divorce, as long as you have kids you will be broke. Sit down with a budget, and allow for your wife to reward herself for putting up with your evil butt. Its all about what the two of you do, now that the shine has worn off. You can turn this around by changing your attitude and behavior towards the ones you love, just act like you love them.
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