Hi everyone!

I am new to this forum. There is something which I need to talk about. It is really killing me inside and I really need to get it out. Well, I am almost 29 years old and this is my first year of marriage. I am married to a very loving, caring and understanding husband. We dated for two years before marriage. I love him very much and we are very very happy together. It’s like a dream come true for us. He is a very gentle man. He would never do anything to hurt me in any way.

I have had many intimate boyfriends in the past before him. I had a very serious relationship with one of them. We even discussed marriage but I was cheated and dumped which made me heartbroken and shattered very badly as a consequence of which I never believed in relationships from then on. After the break up, I had many short term boyfriends – none of them lasted long. I never made it an effort to survive my relationship with any one of them because I never believed in one. The break up with my boyfriend imprinted in my mind this vague feeling that all boys are the same and they all are after just one thing and that’s it.

My husband is aware of my past. I have honestly confessed everything to him because I did not want to keep him in the dark and it kind of felt like as if I was cheating him. He is a very understanding and wise man in a sense he says that as long as I love him, my past does not matter to him. But there are few things which I have not yet confessed to him.

(1) Me and my husband as lovers, we apparently had a speedy intimacy. As usual, I never took our relationship seriously. During our third week of dating, I ran into one of my ex boyfriends (not the one whom I had a serious relationship with though). He was already married then. As it turned out, he invited me to have dinner with him for the sake of old friendship. I agreed. I told my boyfriend that I’m going with my ex just as friends. He agreed to let me go. Everything started with a glass of wine. Both of us got tipsy and we ended up having $ex. But we didn’t finish the whole intercourse because both of us were really drunk and didn’t have the energy to.

But I was still not sorry for what I did. Perhaps because I never expected that I will end up marrying the person whom I’m cheating on.

(2) Then things started getting really serious between me and my boyfriend. I started realizing that this time it’s for real. I started falling really deeply and madly in love with him. Things were going really cool between us ‘till one day we had a huge fight and I demanded break up. Immediately after, I realized that I could not live without him and that my whole existence is attached to him. It was second day of break up. I called him up and asked for forgiveness but he gave me a cold shoulder. That pissed me off. Everything from the past reflected back. I blamed myself for falling in love for the second time. I went out with another ex boyfriend of mine and got drunk and we kissed. But this time it made me feel real, real bad. It made me feel sin, dirt and filth. I was ashamed. Very, very awfully ashamed of what I did. The same evening I went to my boyfriend’s house and again asked him to reconsider our relationship. He agreed on getting back and we slept together that night. Everything went on smoothly from then on.

(3) When I was in college, way before meeting my husband, I was pregnant from one of my ex for which I had to do abortion and I haven’t mentioned this fact to my husband either.

Now, my question is should I or should I not confess my guilt? Is it really necessary to confess? Am I being unfaithful by not confessing? I don’t think that there’s anyway my husband could find out what I’m hiding, but still it kind of gives me this sinking feeling inside like as though I’m not being 100% pure with him. Do u think that if I confessed the stuff, our relationship will remain the same? Do u think he will blame me for not telling the things before the marriage? Do u think he will still have faith in me? Will he lose trust in our marriage? Please any kind of opinion will be appreciated.

It sounds like you're carrying around a lot of guilt, and that's not good for you or your marriage.

If you love someone, you're honest with them. I understand your concerns regarding this, but the longer that you wait to tell him these things, the more trust you could lose.

You kissing this ex on the other hand, you were broken up technically, so it doesn't really constitute as cheating. If it makes you feel better to tell him, then go for it.

The bottom line, trust builds relatoinships. Secrets and lies will destroy it very quickly. If you show him that you are willing to tell him the truth, then this shows him (in my opinion and view point) that you love him enough to be honest with him, no matter the cost.

While guidostern has some good points I don't completely agree with him/her

Sometimes it would hurt the other person too much to divulge things about your past.. just to make yourself feel better..

You've learned from your mistakes.. you had valid reasons for your shortcomings in my book.. and you were just reacting to them.. but you've grown and matured since then and you would never do that again.. to be honest I think you've gone a LONG way from your past.. you shouldn't be so hard on yourself

Why mess up something that is going so good?

ALthough, it is really all up to you and what you feel is right, we can only offer our support and opinions. Look deep inside yourself and try to figure out your true intensions.. are you wanting to tell him just so YOU feel better? Are you telling him to create drama to distract yourself from deeper problems.. What good is it really going to do your relationship?

Also, I think you need to forgive yourself, I think that's the first big step and give yourself a break.. you seem like a great individual, I hope you know that!

I agree with Plonak. Your abortion was way before you even met your husband and the other incidents happen before the marriage and while you was on a break except for the sex with your ex. If anything I would be more quilty over that then a kiss with a guy when your was broken up. Besides that everything else was done in the past.

However, I've only one question for you. If you was straight up with him about everything why did you leave the incident with your ex out?

Some rocks are better left unturned, but the way you handle the guilt is to acknowledge your mistake, learn something from it, and don't repeat it. Then you forgive yourself.

But like Liz has asked, why didn't this drunken dalliance come up when you were telling him about your past?

I think that a lie of omission, and can see why you would be worried over it. Broken up, or not.

Thank you all for your response.

Guidostern – Thank you for your opinion. Yes, you are right that if I confess to my husband then this definitely would show him that I love him enough to trust him. But I will have to agree with the rest of the opinions.

Plonak – You were right when you said that sometimes it would hurt the other person too much to divulge things about the past. That has always been my worry. I do not want to mess up something that is going so good. Moreover, my husband is a very emotional individual and he has mentioned couple of times in the past that he prefers not to hear about my past and same goes with him… he prefers not to talk about his past to me. He believes that divulging our past would only open doors to hurt and jealousy. I guess I was just trying to make myself feel better with the confession in expense of my husband’s pain. Thank you so much for clearing up my foggy mind. The last thing I would do is to hurt him in any way. And to top it all, I have learned my mistakes and I sincerely regret them and would never ever repeat them again.

Liz28 & talanimam – Thank you so much for your question. You are right, I should have included my ex and me having sex when I was confessing my past to him. It was a lie of omission – I totally agree. But this incident did not belong to my past to be forgiven….. it took place when we were still dating. I started confessing my past to him when I started falling seriously for him – and when I did make my confession, I could clearly see that I was hurting him too much and I chose not to tell him about my drunken night with my ex (or thought that I would tell him later on) because I was petrified that he would think that I was taking him for granted like the other guys and I did not want to lose him at any cost at all. But as time passed by, it got more and more complex and ultimately I could not gather up enough guts to tell him about the drunken night.

For me, I personally couldn't date someone without knowing who they used to be and how they've grown since then and in what direction. I believe this information gives you an idea of what to expect in the future. However, in your situation, he has asked you not to tell him. I would tell him if he asked, but if he is seriously asking you no to tell him, then I guess you shouldn't. However, if this is something you truly feel you need to get off your chest in order to feel like you can forgive yourself and to make sure he can forgive you, then I would tell him. I don't think it's a matter of being unfaithful, but rather, feeling like you have no skeletons. I've found that finding out things in bursts is much worse then just being straight up and spilling everything all at once... because bursts cause the other person to wonder how much more and when they will find out. Telling someone a lot of stuff you're ashamed of, although hurtful to them, is in my opinion, the right thing to do. You will have acknowledged the worst you have been with him and yourself and then there will be nothing for you to hide, you are the sum of your parts after all, it should show what you've learned and what kind of person you are now pretty distinctly. I would probably just tell him you have a few things left on your mind that you feel really guilty about and you want to finally release the last of your skeletons and see how he feels about that. This is more of a opinion, but at the end of the day, you have to do what is best for your relationship.

Hi! Dear You have confessed your sins openly to everyone through internet. However the mark always remains in your soul. So what I would like to suggest you is that if you are Catholic, go to the Church and once again confess your sins through the sacrament of Reconciliation. You need healing and Grace of God. Then you will be able to ask forgiveness once again from your husband. Before doing that kindly pray to the lord for your husband so that he may accept you as you are in spite of your number of sins. So Have courage and do it immediately God is waiting for you to forgive...