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I'm 40 years old, he's 41. Married 12 years, 2 kids. This has been an ongoing problem between my husband and I. I have a normal sex drive, we have no physical obstacles and we both enjoy sex but I'm SICK of always initiating making love to my husband! I have spoken to him about this same issue a countless number of times and it's always the same: things get better for a little while and then they go right back to the way things used to be. He says that he enjoys it and I know he does, I don't know if he's just lazy or what? If I don't initiate sex, WE DON'T HAVE SEX. It is creating a huge rift between us as I'll sometimes stop trying and then nothing happens. It's been 1 1/2 months since we've been intimate now. We've have stretches that go on for months at a time (our longest being just short of a year).
I love my husband but am feeling rejected, frustrated and more and more distant from him all the time. Having no physical intimacy has damaged our personal intimacy.
Well, there's more, but I don't want to go on forever as this is the brunt of my problem. I don't know what to do anymore.
I have a question. When you and your husband were dating, was he aggressively pursuing you in a physical way then? Also, in the first few years of marriage, was he the initiator more than he is now? If so, he is probably just feeling okay about where you are together, tired from work, needs your outside stimulation to kick it into gear for him.
Always being the initiator, I am sure makes you feel he does not desire you as much as before if he was the initiator earlier in the marriage. One thing to think about is that we are saturated by talk of sex on television, radio, friends, co-workers, to the point that I think we assume others are having great "love-making" sessions more often that we are. So when it doesn't happen the way we think it should as women, we take it personally. I do at times. I think even a man, if he has to be the initiator all the time, begins to feel he is not as desired as he would like to be.
My doctor said that a man peaks sexually at about age 25 or 30 and a women begins peaking sexually from 35 on.....! He shook his head and said he just didn't know what God was thinking when he designed us this way. There is a strong drive to procreate, then men and sometimes both husband and wife go into career mode, leaving their love making to suffer.
As long as your husband responds lovingly and is proactive during the love-making session with you, maybe just finding new ways of making sex more interesting might peak areas of interest he has not thought about. Give him some suggestions just before he goes to work as to what you would enjoy that evening, that way, it would be on his mind before evening. Just as women, or I should just speak for myself, just as I love lots of foreplay, maybe he just needs some verbal foreplay to begin his day and then when he gets home, he might initiate a little more often.
None of us have the exact answer for you but are here for you to vent to and we are here to offer suggestions.
I don't expect I have given you any miracle answers but believe me when I say I do understand what you are sharing. My husband is older than I so he began to wane a bit just a few years ago, thus the doctor appointment, thus the shots, thus the great love making I shared about in the earlier e-mail. I didn't share it as a personal experience but I imagine you realized it was but I do share this now to be more of an encourager. The two shots per month became a bit much so backed off to one a month. While I would not share this so openly with friends who actually know he and I and live around us, I share it in the forum, in the attempt of helping you and your husband to possibly find some avenues of help. My husband was reluctant at first to mention to his doctor his sex drive was low but he did and we are sure glad he did!
As much as I always thought all men had a high sex drive, having been pursued through the years, I have learned from my doctor and from some friends as we have shared personal things, some men have a very low sex drive. It is not uncommon. Just as we each have our own personality, we also each have our level of sexual drive. Some people need more stimulation, more foreplay, more visual, some like the lights out, no talk, some like lots of verbaliazation during, some want it quiet. These might be things you could visit with your husband about also to get his mind thinking about making love with you, at times when he can't be right there with you then when he gets home, he will be ready to initiate? Just thoughts.
I'm 40 years old, he's 41. Married 12 years, 2 kids. This has been an ongoing problem between my husband and I. I have a normal sex drive, we have no physical obstacles and we both enjoy sex but I'm SICK of always initiating making love to my husband! I have spoken to him about this same issue a countless number of times and it's always the same: things get better for a little while and then they go right back to the way things used to be. He says that he enjoys it and I know he does, I don't know if he's just lazy or what? If I don't initiate sex, WE DON'T HAVE SEX. It is creating a huge rift between us as I'll sometimes stop trying and then nothing happens. It's been 1 1/2 months since we've been intimate now. We've have stretches that go on for months at a time (our longest being just short of a year).
I love my husband but am feeling rejected, frustrated and more and more distant from him all the time. Having no physical intimacy has damaged our personal intimacy.
Well, there's more, but I don't want to go on forever as this is the brunt of my problem. I don't know what to do anymore.
I know what you mean......I HEAR you loud and clear. It's not fair, but some advise for you.... Think about you........look at yourself...........love your self.....and make him notice you...make some changes to your self that would make you want to walk outside and be noticed by people.......that might open his eyes and let him know that you are awesome, and wanted, and confident in yourself...........so he needs to get with it and take hold of the wonderful wife he has.........................Remember....if you're not happy...........no one is around you.
l12 agrees: Very nice to hear that we, as women, are all in the same boat....unless our husbands or lovers are way younger...........Why did this problem happen to us and what in the world are the young women with older men doing to satisfy themselves.....waitin
I can only answer for me but explain to your husband how unsatisfied you are, ask if he has any suggestions. If he doesn't, then suggest that he go to get hormone level checked by simple blood test. Made a world of difference here.....he was pleasantly surprised and our world changed for the better. Even when we are not making love, he is just more gentle, loving and caring since he has been getting the hormone shots. (Pills didn't work for him).
I am not saying these hormone shots are the only answer because there are so many other issues that could be going on depending on the couple. But communication regarding sexual matters is as important as communication in any situation.
Communicate; explain what you need to make you content, satisfied and happy and ask what would make your mate content, satisfied and happy. When you enter marriage, you are there to meet each other's needs and it is each one's responsibility to share with one's mate what those needs are. There is usually one that has better communication skills than the other but whoever initiates the communication, at least hopefully, both will come up with a happy resolve to any issue. Neither male nor female are mind readers when it comes to what each other needs so that needs to be communicated verbally, in a quiet, relaxed atmosphere when there aren't going to be a lot of interruptions and a time when each are not exhausted from a long and stressful work day. We live in an area with lakes everywhere so we will take short drives out to the lake and just sit in the quiet of the car and talk. We communicate in a deeper more meaningful way in the car where there are no children, doorbells, TV, etc. because neither one can leave the room, etc. We both have a tendency to tune each other out at home so this is just our way of getting to a quiet place when we need to really talk about issues.
Just a few thoughts. I can only share what has helped my husband and myself and hope something I share either helps or encourages you. Best to you.
Its much easier to change your self, than its is a husband. Do the things that make you happy, and be responsible for your own change.
What makes me happy is feeling connected to and wanted by my husband. If one or both parties in a marriage is/are unsatisfied, it would be far better to address and correct the problem rather than ignore it and have the problem and the resentment build even more over time.
P.S. I appreciate what you are saying, and have done things to fulfill some of my own needs. I just don't want to keep looking out into the world for happiness when it's right in front of me every day. Trust me, my husband wouldn't want me to be responsible for changes that would make me happy without his involvement
Then you have discussed it, and he is still falling short of your expectations. So what does he say to that? Is he happy? healthy?, and stress free.?
He stresses about work and things, probably not anymore than anyone else, though.
We've been talking quite a bit in the last couple days, and he says he gets frustrated occasionally when he wants to have sex and I have not initiated. I told him that I don't understand how I am supposed to know to initiate sex when he is silent, frustrated, and becoming resentful. Those feelings won't make me feel sexy, want to initiate sex, or make myself available to his initiation. I think he's just awkward and doesn't know how to approach me amid the day-to-day stuff. I've given him ideas, though (carefully, as I said before; I know how sensitive the male ego is!!), and told him it wouldn't take much more than a touch that had the right energy associated with it for me to get the point.
Also, I don't nag him around the house and things. He only has two chores: scopping the cat litter and occasionally cleaning the garage (which he loves doing during football season because he has a tv out there ).
Like I said, he's awesome, and the sex we do have is great, luckily. I'm just feeling like where would we be without my efforts to stay connected? What else do I need to do and why should I have to keep trying without any response?
Thanks for listening.
My answer may be a little bit different, but you are the same age as me and my husband and by appearance there is nothing wrong with us either. But when we went through this and it drove me mad, we found out he had low testosterone levels. Something very underdiagnosed.
This was the problem, and there is no easy solution as low levels of testosterone are hard to correct. Gels, patches...are what we have found, but be careful of transferance. We chose patches as it was less of a tranferance problem.
Good luck. And marriage counseling will help you find other ways of intimate connections including changing up sex some.
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