the first day of college 11 years ago I met a man and we have been connected in what can only be explained as soul mates to both of us. He was in every single one of my classes on the first day and at the end of that day I walked right up to him and said "you are looking at me, I am looking at you, it's obvious we like each other so let's be together". I was 17 yrs old. For reasons of immaturity (we were in college) and other things from our past that shaped the people we are, we did not stay together during college and for the 8 years since then we have stayed in contact via email, text message, phone etc. all we can do is wish we were together. I remember telling him the last time we broke up around 1996 " i feel sorry for our future spouses because we will always come back to each other".

7 years ago I met my husband and resolved to the fact that S.C.C (soul mate) and I would never be together due to geography and a big misunderstanding that had me thinking he was over me. I wanted to create a perfect family so I married my husband 3 years ago and we have a 2 yr old daughter. There has not been a day that has passed where I have not thought of S.C.C. in 11 years and it's getting to the point where I have finally realized that I am terrified of not spending my life with him. We have a connection that is beyond words, even my therapist who I just started seeing to help me work this out says that my prediction when I was 18 years old that we would always come back to each other is extremely profound.

of course the problem is my child and I cannot stand the thought of her not living with her father and I however I know that is not enough reason to lie to my husband (which is what I feel I am doing) when he wants me to return his reply of "you are the love of my life" because he is not. I love my husband, I love the father he is. He is the text book perfect man. I finally had to tell him what was going on and told him that I am afraid to spend the rest of my life away from S.C.C. At first he was very upset understandably but now it's even worse because he is convinced that if I just stop talking to S.C.C I will in time get over him and do what I am supposed to do to save our marriage. Trouble is I cannot let S.C.C. go. I have a physical pain in my heart, gut, I get sick when I think about losing that part of myself. I worry that in 60 years when our child asks me if I was truly happy with my life I will have lived a lie. I also don't want her to think I am a bad person but I find my mother to be a strong person because she always did what was right for her making her a happy mom.

thank you for letting me get this out. the answer to my question of what do I do may seem obvious, that if I want to save my marriage I will work on it, but I cannot let S.C.C go, it would be like cutting out my heart. 11 years is a really long time to know that someone out there feels the same way you do if not for geography and some inconveniences like divorce, child custody battles that you could be at peace.

Depressed in MO

If this feeling has always been so mutual-then why didn't you two eventually get back together? Is this other guy married/children? Did he move on-are you 100% sure the feelings between the both of you are mutual?We know what is going on in your life, but what about his? That would be helpful in giving you accurate advice.

Tuscany

Has he contacted you? Has he given you any indication that he wants to be with you? Does he have a family? These are all questions that you should consider before changing your life so drastically.

splitapart

Thank you to both of you for responding.

Yes, he feels the same way about me, we talk about this all of the time. He has had a girlfriend for about 7 yrs who he has not married because he says she is not me. He has no children. He doesn't want me to leave my husband for him but we both know it would be the reason why. I know that everyone says you have to leave because it's right for you and spend time alone and I am at the point where even if S.C.C did not want to be with me, or if we gave it a try for real and for some reason things did not work out, it doesn't mean I should stay married to my husband. I feel like I am staying married because I don't know the first thing about getting a divorce, breaking up a house we own together, cars, finances (none of which are so expensive that it would be nasty), hurting all of our family, but I also don't know how to live a lie each day either.

kp2171

well you never really finalized the breakup. and breakups hurt like hell. most of us have had a person in our lives we loved dearly and lost. you can try to make it different, as if a deep love for you is just different from everyone else, but its not. you are not that unique.

you might believe in soul mates. i dont. i just dont think that in a world of a few billion people that there is just one that comes my way that is "right" for me. i lost the first "love of my life" a dozen years ago. took over two years to even date again. several more before i stopped thinking about her often. my connection with her has never been duplicated. its not supposed to be.

i have a fantastic wife with whom i am really connected. its different than my first love... but again, its not supposed to be the same. new person, new things. do i believe my wife could find another man that would make her happy? sure. so we probably disagree on the whole soul mate thing right off the bat... i think its an artificial invention used to elevate a relationship to some fate driven, psuedo-better-than-all-others level. its almost always used here when it describes some love lost or forbidden love.. words of the frustrated much of the time.

what would happen if scc had died? or moved on? you would have built a new life. found another love. still have the memories, but kept on living.

nobody here can tell you what is "right" for you... you really should have cut the ties when you married. im a firm believer in spouses having friends of the opposite sex, but this is different. youve been running a scam behind everyones back.

so... now its time to decide who gets to feel the pain you never wanted to face before. your husband and your child, or you. you make it sound so hard to be faithful to your vows and your marriage. you are channeling your energies into this parasitic relationship that is killing your marriage. if you really have no other choice than to leave your spouse, well thats your decision. but stop looking for ways to not feel guilty or hurt others. there are none.

no... im not the comforting shoulder here. your daughter is likely to lose contact with a loving father for your childish and selfish reasons. that makes me absolutely crazy... the collateral damage that occurs when someone doesnt honor their vows (and you didnt when you kept in contact with this love of your life) is terrible.

but if you are going to spend the rest of your life blaming your husband and your daughter for your unhappiness, then maybe a break is right. since you are leaving the marriage for your happiness, leave your daughter with her father. he didnt do this, she didnt do this. if this is as important to you as you make it seem then step up and be brave for once. either cut the ties with the ex or cut the ties with your daughter and husband. anything less is more spreading the pain around nonsense.

Fr_Chuck

You know in my mind, I always had this perfect women, the women I judged all other women in my life by for 30 years. She was a girl from high school, someone everyone though I would marry,

We remained friends for years although each of us got married to someone else.

Often it is your dream world, and fanticy that you are beleiving in. You are always looking for something better than being happy with what you got.

Now this is going to sound like the above, and sound mean, if you don't want to stop caring for some person who has not been part of your life in years, someone who has changed over the years as you have. You have the problem. Love and happiness is where you find it, and where you work on it and make it work.

You have two choices, one get serious marriage counseling and work on forgetting this other person and do not contact him again ever.

Or leave you child and husband ( since it would not be fair at all to sepearte them for your selfish desires) and you move on and start a new life.

If you could not and was not willing to give your entire life and soul to your husband you should have never married him.

Your husband deserves better than someone who could leave him any time because of an old memory.

marjo

I agree. Your husband does deserve better but even more than that, I believe that when you have lived with your soul mate for a few months you'll remember why you didn't stay together in the first place. We always remember the good times and that is what you'll be doing. Remembering the good times that you and your husband had with your little girl. The grass is always greener

splitapart

it's over anyway- my family means everything to me. thanks for all of your support and listening.

chuff

It sounds like this guy is toying with you a little. I'll bet your feelings for him are strongest when your current relationship isn't at it's best. Everyone always want what they can't have but sometimes when they get it, it's not what they wanted.

talaniman

That was too fast for me to believe. I think she got tired of reading things she didn't want to hear. I would love to hear what changed her mind so quickly, at least thats what she wrote.