Hello everyone.

I'm going to write my whole story otherwise you guys will not understand it. So please forgive me if it is too long.
but I'm begging you, give me good advise as I'm living at the moment in hell and have not enough time.

I am a muslim girl pray and practis islam. I do love my religion a lot but I just can't help that I have fallen in love. I'm from afghansitans and my BF is from Paksitan. We have a relationship for nearly 5 years. We love each other deeply, so we decided to marry 2 years a go. My 2 younger brothers and my sister knows about our relationship.

after two years of our relationship he came with his family to ask my hand in marriage (I told my parents that his sister is studying with me and this way I know them)then my parents rejeted them just because they are from a different country. We both got very upset and he told me to try it again but I knew that my parents would never accept him. Then he came up with the idea to tell my cousine about it maybe she could help us. So then I told my cousine about it, also she got very upset and told me to forget him, because we will never be allowed to marry each other. After few months they came again to propose, from that time my problems started. On that day my cousine was on visit as well and she and my sister told my mom that we have a GF BF relationship that's why he wants to marry me.

From that time my mom got very angry and also my sister turned into a monster, they start telling me to forget him (which is very hard to do as we love each other too much) but I could not do that so my sister got very angry and said all the nasty words in the world to me, just because I did not wanted to break up with my BF.

For a month my mom and sister did not talked to me, my sister start abusing me and saying that I will disshouner my family. I had a very difficult and misarable live on that time and also my mom got very ill because of my behaviour(I even cut my arms and did not eat but they did not care, I just wanted to kill my self) I was feeling so sad for my family and start hurting myself and blaming myself for their unhappiness, but on the other hand I couldn't help it that I have feelings for him ;-(. Anyway after a month they thought that I had broken up with my BF so they start acting normal again. That summer we went on holiday backhome after 14 years, when we came back my aunty (moms sister) proposed me for her son)and I just accepted it after thinking about it for a long time just because of my mom, as she was very ill, I just wanted her to be happy and get better. So I just sacrifice my happiness for her.

I told my BF about it that we should leave each other, he start crying and somehow I could not leave him( he cares a lot for me, as I do for him.

Now 2.1/2 years later I'm engaged and have a BF, in this 2.1/2 years I have not told my parents anything. Most of the time I went crying to bed. 1 week ago my dad start looking for a ticket to go backhome and get married this summer, that is when I told my mom that I do not want to get married with my cousin ( I really hate him). The drama start again. My mom and my sister turned in a moster. My sister start bossing me around saying that I'm a ***** and don't care about my parents (I do care a lot about my parents, but I just can't stop loving my BF). My mom start crying again and saying that I have to marry otherwise her sisters and brothers will abandon her and what other people are going to say about me.
I start crying and saying that this is my dicision, she then called my dad and told him everything. She said that am I dead now that you are choosing for your BF again, I said I can't put my own hapiness away, I tried so hard for 2 years but I can't do it anymore. Then my dad came home and was very pissed off, slapped me and said that if I'm not going to marry my cousin he is going to give my mom divorce and kill me and my siblings, since he will not be able to face all the people oustide if they hear that his daughter married a boy from a different country.

So for a week I was crying cutting my arm again, did not eat ANYTHING but again they did not care. My dad gave me 2 choices or he will kill me or I have to kill him if I choose for my own happiness. They are saying that even if parents put you in hell fire, a child should accept it hapilly, since they brought us up and has done so much for us.

Now I really don't no what to do, my BF, friends and teacher is saying that we have to runaway (my friendsand teachers know him and everyone knows how much he loves , respect and cares about me). We don't have another choice. I also have to say with such a shame that I'm not a virgin anymore, my BF did this with me because he did not wanted to loose me to someone else. I have asked Allah subhan allah wa ta'allah to forgive me for such a big mistake.

If I go and marry my cousine they will find out that I'm not a virgin so they will kill me and my family will have a bad name, if I run away again my familly will have a bad name.

I really don't know what to do, I'm so scared because in a month time we are flying to AFG!!

Please someone tell me what to do according to Islam. If I knew that loving someone is a sin then I would have never fallen in love. NEVER!

I realize that this is your culture, your religion, your belief, but this is just so demented to me.

Is murder allowed in Islam? Why would he divorce your mother because of a decision you made? Why would he murder you and your siblings over this? This man needs help. Psychological help.

The way I see it, you have two choices. You can marry your cousin (funny that marrying your first cousin is okay, but marrying for love isn't), be miserable, but make your family happy. Or, you can let them deal with their own issues, marry your boyfriend, and forget about them and their ideals.

Either choice is hard. If you leave and your father follows through on his threats, I'm sure you'll feel guilt. If it were me and my family were that controlling, that evil (threatening murder is evil) then I'd leave. But, I'm not muslim. I haven't been raised to obey at all costs.

If you decide to marry your cousin, you'll be miserable. You said yourself that you hate him. But, this will make your family happy.

You have to choose. A life with your boyfriend, but without your family. Or a life with your cousin, being controlled by your family.

It's not an easy choice, and I wish you the best of luck in making it. :)

Yes, in your nation, if a daughter disrespects her family or father the father or senior male in the family may kill the daughter, and is often expected to. So yes you have the right to be very concerned. Is it right or fair, no, if you do, leave the area, move away and don't go back.

First of all thank you for reading my live story and giving me an answer, as it was a long one.
But I would like to say that this is not my religion it is just culture. I just don't know how to convince them.

I know my parents care about me. They just don't want to get a bad name, but what should I do I can't leave my BF either. And my dad is not that bad as it sounds haha.

I really don't know what to do ;-(

Thank you for answering my question. Do you really think that I should leave my familly?

It has been years since I traveled there, so society may have changed, but my son who has been there for several years, tells me that some of the families still live in the past.

So only you know how dangerous your family really could be, I know many families don't follow many of the old rules and are more modern, but many there do follow the old rules and if you did not marry who they agree for you to marry, you could be in danger.

Hi there! I am a muslims girl and I am from pakistan! Pakistan and afganistan are not very different, cultural wise so I don't know why yout parents are making such a big deal, but let me tell you one thing, I bet they are doing that because they do not want you to marry your boyfriend, I know you have probably heard this a lot buy they are your parents, there must be a reason they don't want you to marry him, they see things about him that you wouldn't because you are in love, tell your parents, fine you won't marry my boyfriend but I won't marry my cousin either, sweety they are your parents and the closest thing to a parent is their child, they are doing everything because they love you. And as for your headline question, normally girl/guys in my culture abd family get a proposal and then the parents ask the child if they are okay with it? And then they get married( if they were OK with it) *** don't revel againts your parents they do everything for you because they love you

Hi FM.786

My parents don't want me to marry my BF because they are scared of getting bad name and people pointing fingers at them. That is it. Nothing more than that.
As I have written in my story when my aunty proposed me for her son they did asked for my asnwer and I accepeted it because of my mom as she was very upset with me on that time, and she was also very ill I just accepeted the proposal just because of my mom. I was trying to pretend this whole 2 years that I was happy with it but I really can't anymore. I can't help it ;-(

In islam and other religions you have committed a very big sin, you should ask for forgiveness that you are proposed and are a non virgin now. Astagfirullah! If I was you, you should forget about your boyfriend as he will use you for love and you never know with how many other girls he has played with.! You could be in great danger! Marry your cousin better and ask Allah (swt) for forgiveness that you might be it granted because trust me you are in big sin in any religion and as for islam adultry is one of the biggest sins you could do! Astagfirullah! Marry your cousin become good muslim ask for forgiveness that boy you don't know very good but your cousin would never leave you and dump you when he doesn't need you. He will always be with you but that boi you could never trust as he could dump u any day when he doesn't like u and find another girl and have sex with her!

that boi is also in big sin as he has also committed adultry! You and him are in a evil state!
this is all against islam as you yourself accepted it at first and running away from your family only for one boi who has made you leave the path of islam and you causing adultery will not make u a happy life, you say you have 2 brothers and sister and father mother. I bet you are a asylum seeker and your parretnes have paid a lot of money to get u in this country as I myself am alone and came to manchester on my own! I know your parents have paid a lot of money and went to great extends to get you your education and wellbeing! Please forget about your boyfriend you are both in great sin as you have committed adultery ask for forgiveness so that you get forgiven! All these people here nowadays r all non muslims and want to corrupt our religion and say run away marry your boyfriend, but you are a great sinner in any religion go ask pure christians, jews or hindu;s adultery is one of the biggest sins and running away from your family and forgetting them about all the stuff they done for you! I can't think why you do this to your family! I remember my dad being sad one day and I couldn't sleep the whole day because my parents were sad! Astagfirullah once again!

I bet these people that say run away going to do it themselves and watch them get dumped by that boi after few months or days. (I say this because I work with children that have been married secretly and became pregnant then they got dumped because they were pregnant!} I hope this does not happen to you if you turn away from his as soon as possible!

Take my advice and dump him as far as I'm concerned he will dump u one day but I doubt your cousin will dump u!

Actually in most other religions marrying your cousin would be the greater sin.

First of all, your parents cannot force you to marry your cousin, forced marriages are forbidden in Islam and if you do not want to marry him, say no, and there will be nothing else they can do, that will be justified in Islam.
Secondly, your relationship with this guy is sinful, but the fact that you want to marry each other and make it halal is good. In Islam, racism is haram, and everyone is equal under God's eye, and you have every right to marry this man you are in love with and it is your parents in the wrong for refusing just because of where he's from.
Thirdly, murder is (obviously) haram, and it even says "do not kill your children" specifically in the Qur'an so your parents are wrong about everything, and it frightens me that your parents would threaten you like this. If your father has said he will murder you and your siblings though, I think he may be beyond reasoning with, and I don't really know how you could deal with it, other than leaving home. I'm sorry I can't offer you a better solution to this, but at least you know you are being perfectly reasonable.

I think honestly the notion that advizormarriage has presented is ridiculous. You should be with whoever you want to be and the cultural stigma on muslims in general will slowly but surely be laid to rest. Your family and community no doubt contain good people, but there is no PEACE in threatening people in order to save face in public. A spiritual connection is a welcoming and loving guide, which God is, and Allah is not. This is called living in fear because of what others may do to you.

Now you don't just come to conclusions like that, so to illustrate the perils - here is my story.

I am crazy about Muslim girl at school. We are friends today but it's not the same. There is so much tension between the two of us even though outwardly we look like we're okay.. a few months ago we started making excuses to spend more time together (it helps that we are in the same program). I do my best to respect her wishes and boundaries. I do flirt with her and try my best to show her how much I appreciate her, however because of her situation - I never cross a certain line that I've been wanting to cross for some time now, but because of how we were with each other - and what those things mean to me and her - I am okay. One day while studying her father, who works at the school, saw her studying with me and a few others. He called her and completely lost it on her - of which she tried to hide from everyone. From that point onward she started to distance herself from me, lie to me, ultimately push me out.

It took me three months of asking her what's wrong and God knows how many fights because of her behavior towards me for her to finally get her to admit that she liked me as more than a friend (this only happened yesterday actually) and she told me that because she has to get married to someone one day she doesn't want to be too close to me. We talked about dating more than once and she told me that her parents would never accept it because we are not from the same place, among other things. Today, we are still not "okay" but there's nothing I can do about her family, neither would I try to convince her to run away because the financial and social implications and would be too much to overcome for starters.

She's confided in me that she is not happy in this life and she is trying to make the best of it. She's told me about her abusive family members and the problems she has faced. She used to spend hours at a time talking with me and I loved every minute of it. Now all I feel is emptiness inside and she - though she will never admit it - is feeling really empty inside and hopeless. I can see it in her eyes everyday.

I believe that there are copious amounts of untruths contained in islam - to the point where those that are interpreting it have blended it with culture to the point where it's no longer identifiable. Your family is placing you in an awkward position, but they ARE family. Ask yourself what's more important: your boyfriend/would-be-fiance who you do love deeply, or your family?

If I - because for all intents and purposes - am in the Boyfriend role with this woman, I see a fundamental problem known only as a CULTURAL BARRIER. I don't choose to call it a religious barrier because if it were - and the party in question were to convert to said religion, there would be no issue.

Since conversion is not an option (I am a proud Christian), there just leaves an unsolvable issue: CULTURE. Culture is selective ideal developed by some - which is better recognized as bias in the form of Racism. Since they will never ever see eye to eye - in the boyfriend role - I may as well look elsewhere and it's undeniably misguided because love is something that is hard to put in words - but much easier to express with actions. The same holds true for our belief in God. There is no politically correct answer. There are no winners in this situation - only losers.

The ones who will end up losing the most are you and your boyfriend because of the close minded ideals of your culture. And if you ever do anything, you will only end up putting both your lives and your families lives in danger. I wish this were not true. I wish I could say that it were not correct, but actions speak louder than words.

The girl I have feelings for is there and I see her everyday but I know just as well that I don't want to put her in danger either. So because I feel strongly for her - I have no other option than to let her go.

Because I am not attempting to start a religious debate - though I fear that my comments will be mistaken no matter what - I will leave you with this thought:

Some things are meant to happen while others aren't. I believe strongly in divine intervention and if something is meant to happen - it will surely happen in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord.

Salaams

I am in the exact position as you and I have read your letter it made me cry knowing how they can treat their own daughter that way, I got told the same thing I'll divorce your mother if you do this and we all will disown you. I am not saying anything bad as we are in the same boat but I merely ask for advise also I have read all the comments that is why I am replying to this you had said "since he will not be able to face all the people outside if they hear that his daughter married a boy" I want to know will you be marrying all of them? Will they be in you bed at night ? Will they be commentating how you live your life caz you got married to that person? People will always talk and make the person you want to marry look bad but if all people you know him best.
And another thing is : tell me by leaving your parents will you be happier in everything you do? Will you be less worried how everybody see's you or what they say about you ? Or when you are being controlled on how and where and who your life will be with right?

Please help :'(

You need to leave, even though your parents have raised , please this is your life I have a muslim girfriend in New York, we want to be together forever please please I'm begging you leave and live YOUR LIFE please don't let them control you , I don't even have to know you but that is truly evil, forcing marriage upon your child to a person you do not love! How could people who ccare about you so much, make you miserable for the rest of your life. Im begging you please go with your love and be happy, your family worried about other people more than their own daughter oh please. My father lay his hand on me ill kill him, dead no one is controlling me , you have to leave, if I was a muslim and he threatened to kill me?? You best believe I'm fighting him I don't give a dam, you my father you suppose to love and respect me, he can try to kill me just see what he gets... Im just saying if I was, but please please please you have the right to be happy!!

Hey sister I don't know if you still use this website, but did you marry your boyfriend or your cousin? And your parents are the ones comminiting the sins because they are forcing you into marriage. Please reply.

Please write using full words and the best English you're capable of. Chat speak/text talk, is strictly forbidden on this site.

Thank you.

I do apolagize as I did not know text talk is forbidden, but thank you for informing me.

No problem, and no apology necessary. Now you know, and you'll write in full words, so no harm done. :)

We don't allow it because most of us are over 30, educated people, and really can't decode text talk. Real English is so much easier to understand, and will gain you more respect on this site.

See you on the boards. :)

personally in islam forced marriage is forbidden.For you to marry your love all you have to believe in is the kalimah,the holy quran and mostly allah.Cast or family back ground have nothing to do with it.It is shirk an biddah adding new things in isla that don't exsist.Wat your family are doing is wrong.This is not the teaching of the prophet.ok you have commitd a sin but nobody can judge you only but allah.your dad cannot take your life did the phrophet or is followes say you he can?? no they didn't.mRRY UR BF YOUR FAMILY WILL COME TO THERE SENSES.