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    Dot26Dot's Avatar
    Dot26Dot Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Dec 11, 2012, 11:52 PM
    My second husband of 32 years and his one disrespectful son and wife.
    I have never had any children, but was a design career woman for 30 years at a huge company, holding a top management position. My second husband had 4 sons, all of whom I helped to raise and pay for their educations. They are all married with children, totaling 10 grandkids. The sons range in age from 47-51, and are all financially doing very well for themselves.
    One son and his wife have been very disrespectful toward both of us over the many years. We did so many things to be of great help to them and their children, and have done likewise for the other 3 sons and their families as well. It has gotten to the point that I am no longer comfortable around this one disrespectful son and his wife. Their children are spoiled and disrespectful too. My husband is fully aware of how I feel about this one family. He agrees that they have been terribly disrespectful toward both of us for a long time. Every time his sons and their families visit us, (we are retired and live on a lake) I find myself doing all of the work. I shop, I cook everything, I clean, I make beds and unmake beds, I do the laundry, and I feel like a slave. Meanwhile, everyone else is enjoying their visit, going for a boat ride, sunbathing, and treating our home like it is a vacation place or a hotel. My husband just invited this disrespectful son and his family to come for a visit this coming summer without consulting with me first. Apparently my feelings do not count I am thinking. It is so handy to have me be the slave for his family. I am retired and not interested in doing the work any longer, and he knows it. I feel that at my age of 70, someone else should do the work instead of me. But expecting me to entertain this disrespectful family is what bothers me the most. I really feel like leaving home while they are here and let my husband entertain this disrespectful son and his family by himself. He has never had to do a thing on his own, so my not being here might leave him helpless. But really, who should come first in our marriage, me as his spouse, or his sons forever? Where do I fit in regarding my husband? Everyone else in the family show lots of love toward me, and I have no issues with the rest of the family.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
    Jobs & Parenting Expert
     
    #2

    Dec 11, 2012, 11:59 PM
    Why are you being a doormat for all these guests? Part of the agreement should be that the guests clean up after themselves, take a turn for a meal now and then, and turn the time together into a FAMILY adventure. Of course, both you and your husband have to be on the same page and present a united front.

    If you leave home while the son and family are there, who knows what mess you will come home to -- and then you will have to shovel out as usual. I'm sorry a pattern has been set, but it's time to rearrange that pattern.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,591, Reputation: 2941
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    #3

    Dec 12, 2012, 03:58 AM
    You have two issues going here - one is the role of maid and the other is the one son and his family. It's very easy to deal with the first one - write short identical letters to all 4 sons saying that you are doing zero housework when they visit. Say it's a present to yourself for your 70th birthday, belatedly, to take the edge off the way it sounds. (Although personally I would just be blunt about it.)
    The other issue needs to be discussed with your husband. You have a right to tell him that all invitations need to be mutual. There's plenty of time to undo the invitation, postpone it another year, set limits - compromises.
    ANGIE4124's Avatar
    ANGIE4124 Posts: 67, Reputation: 23
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    #4

    Jan 10, 2013, 06:17 PM
    Your feelings do count and your husband “agrees that they have been terribly disrespectful toward both of you for a long time.” It was amiss of him to invite them without consulting you; I agree. But surely there is no need to ask who should come first…? You do, and he knows it!

    Unfortunately husbands do forget to ask (as does mine), and don't think to lend a hand when family visit. They switch off and focus on family being around them as to who actually picks up the pieces. Children no matter their age can take your hospitality for granted. Whereby, their father or you could ask them to contribute to the household, by way of cooking and keeping things tidy etc.

    Plus my policy for my partner is; if you invite them you can cook for them, and if you can't cook here's a can opener! :) Believe me they are not helpless; and the children will learn how to respect/appreciate you when their father starts cooking or when there's no clean sheets on the bed. HA!

    However if this particular Son continues to be disrespectful in the future, leave him in your Husbands capable hands and have hubby pay for a cleaner when you get back. That worked for me and I only had to do it once!

    Meanwhile count the blessings you do have with the other children. You've done remarkably well to have love reciprocated.

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