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RXTASY · Mar 12, 2010, 02:35 PM

My 86 yr old mother went in to what I call a "funk" last January.
My step father and I decided he could no longer take care of her, so we found an empty bed at the local VA Nursing Home.
My mother has worked very hard to improve her health and is now able to think for herself and is completely ambulatory.
My step father has always been VERY controlling and wants to continue to "call the shots"
My sister and I have talked to him, telling him we would like her to come home and receive home health care.
Today while visiting her in the nursing home, he came in to the room. She practically got down on her hands and knees and begged him to take her out of there! He told her she needed to get better before he could take care of her. Before he came in to the room I had a conversation with the nurse and asked her how she thought my mother was doing. She stated she is doing much better than she was when she came in. I agree. She needs hardly any care and is in better shape than 90% of the people that are in there. I explained that to my step father and he became very agitated! Agitated to the point we almost physically got in to an altercation.
My mom has stated she would divorce him if he isn't willing to get her out of there.
I told him, I would let her come and stay with me and they could pay for the home health care while I was at work. He told me I would not do this and HE would not pay for it with HIS money! I explained to him, my mom would pay for it with HER money! That just made him more upset. He is VERY hot headed and has always been that way.
My question is: what are my rights and her rights? She is of sound mind and body to make her own decisions. Would she need to divorce him to access THEIR money?
Right now, his daughter is taking care of their finances which really makes me nervous. For all I know, they are hiding this money in fear of my mom using it all up in the nursing home.

tickle · Mar 12, 2010, 02:57 PM

Being in a nursing home is not incarceration; she is not in jail. She can sign herself out if she is in her own mental state, although you may have to have a doctor assess her to be sure of this.

Does he have Power of Attorney ? If not, then she can access her own banking information. I would suggest though, if he doesn't have POA, you and she get that done through a lawyer as soon as possible, which puts her care in your hands.

Tick

jmjoseph · Mar 12, 2010, 03:23 PM

I don't know about the law, but if MY mother was of sound mind, and begged ME to get out of somewhere that she was medically ready, and able to leave, I would help her.

May I ask how old
This stepfather is ? And how strong is HIS mind?

I know this must be tough on you, but she is your mother, and she is at the last stage of her life. No matter what the financial outcome, make her happy.

God bless.

Fr_Chuck · Mar 12, 2010, 03:31 PM

Ok, personally I would for my mom if she begged, I would check her out for lunch and merely not go back, but then that is just me.

So you get with her doctors, get the doctor to agree she is of sound mind. Then she can merely check herself out, unless her husband has gotten guardianship over her, he can not stop her from leaving.

dontknownuthin · Mar 23, 2010, 07:33 PM

Unless your mother has been deemed unable to make decisions for herself, she can leave when she likes. If he will not let her come home, she should go to your house. Then she can take action to regain control over her own finances. She may need to divorce him.

450donn · Mar 25, 2010, 07:58 PM

How old are you? Do you have a place for her to come live out her last days? Are you willing to place yourself in the position of her final care giver? To change her diapers, wash her sheets, feed her? See there are lots of questions. Having just gone through the last days (at home) of a loved one is very hard. My Mother in law lived with us for over 30 years and her last two years were basically dedicated to her care only. We , meaning me most of that time (another story) was responsible to get her to doctors appointments, and take care of her for everything. During the last 6 months it even meant paying her bills for her. Then during her last week at home it means a lot more than that, giving her shots, pills to keep the pain under control. Are you willing to sacrifice everything for as long as she lives?

fredfox · Mar 29, 2010, 02:47 PM

I am not sure exactly what the term "funk" is supposed to mean, but I assume that your mother was/is suffering from depression which can cause varying degrees of symptoms that are manifested both physically and mentally. I can well understand depression being the case considering she was living in an abusive state with a control freak husband prior to being put in the nursing home. Being stuck in a VA Nursing Home is not a good idea since she is still not allowed to think for herself nor to have control over her own life. Sounds to me like she has already fought a brave uphill battle.

Her husband’s apparent treatment is reason for her to get a divorce and get as far away from him as possible. You have offered to accept her into your own home (which is very loving of you) and, if necessary, she would pay for her own home health care. Home health care may not even be required once she is allowed to stand upright on her own feet – I don’t know her true physical health aside from my diagnosis of depression. She may then require psychotherapy on an outpatient basis. Even if he takes her home, you can be assured she will soon be back in her “funk” because he isn’t going to change the way he treats her.

I am so tired of hearing about “throw-away” parents. At the age of 86, your mother is still alive and she may have quite a number of good and productive years under the right environment. That right environment might even mean a place of her own if she could live by herself. If or when she becomes too sick for you to take care of her, it is quite understandable to look for help such as a good nursing home, hospice, etc.

In the meantime, my suggestion would be the same as for any woman, regardless of age: Help get her out of the abusive situation she’s in.

dontknownuthin · Mar 29, 2010, 06:23 PM

She may not need to go through a divorce at her age but there's nothing saying she must live with her husband, either. She could provide her children legal power of attorney over her medical decisions.

450donn · Mar 30, 2010, 08:18 PM

Originally Posted by fredfox

I am not sure exactly what the term "funk" is supposed to mean, but I assume that your mother was/is suffering from depression which can cause varying degrees of symptoms that are manifested both physically and mentally. I can well understand depression being the case considering she was living in an abusive state with a control freak husband prior to being put in the nursing home. Being stuck in a VA Nursing Home is not a good idea since she is still not allowed to think for herself nor to have control over her own life. Sounds to me like she has already fought a brave uphill battle.

Her husband’s apparent treatment is reason for her to get a divorce and get as far away from him as possible. You have offered to accept her into your own home (which is very loving of you) and, if necessary, she would pay for her own home health care. Home health care may not even be required once she is allowed to stand upright on her own feet – I don’t know her true physical health aside from my diagnosis of depression. She may then require psychotherapy on an outpatient basis. Even if he takes her home, you can be assured she will soon be back in her “funk” because he isn’t going to change the way he treats her.

I am so tired of hearing about “throw-away” parents. At the age of 86, your mother is still alive and she may have quite a number of good and productive years under the right environment. That right environment might even mean a place of her own if she could live by herself. If or when she becomes too sick for you to take care of her, it is quite understandable to look for help such as a good nursing home, hospice, etc.

In the meantime, my suggestion would be the same as for any woman, regardless of age: Help get her out of the abusive situation she’s in.

So, just because you disagreed with my comments I get a reddie? That is not the proper use of the rating system. I also assume you have never taken care of an elderly person in their last years? So based on those assumptions I don't believe you have anything to say on this subject! I in fact have so I do know all about changing diapers on a senior who has lost control of their bodily functions when near death.

fredfox · Mar 31, 2010, 04:05 PM

Originally Posted by 450donn

So, just because you disagreed with my comments I get a reddie? That is not the proper use of the rating system. I also assume you have never taken care of an elderly person in their last years? So based on those assumptions I don't believe you have anything to say on this subject! I in fact have so I do know all about changing diapers on a senior who has lost control of their bodily functions when near death.

I only disagreed with the questions you asked because it appeared to me you really needed to go back and read RXTASY's original entry. First: do the math -- her age is quite apparent. Second: she already said she wanted to take her mother into her own home. Third: nothing was said about her mother requiring diaper changing, sheet washing nor feeding in the nursing home, let alone when she gets out.

You are doing a lot of assuming. Just because I didn't cry "poor me" does not mean I haven't experienced the care of sick and elderly. In fact, at present my father is living with me. He has cancer undergoing chemo and I am the only one taking care of him. I am retired and in a position to do so, my wife is dead (I'm not going to bore you with the care I gave her before she passed away). Although I don't have to change diapers for my father yet, I did for my wife, but I am doing a lot of cleaning up because he is too weak to make it to the bathroom every time he has to throw up. I'm not giving up because he has a chance of being cured, but God forbid he doesn't get well again and reaches a point where he is totally helpless and in great pain, then I will consider a good nursing home or hospice. I don't intend to dump him off and leave him totally in the care of strangers. I will be visiting him daily and feed him as long as he's able to eat. When I said "I am so tired of hearing about “throw-away” parents," I believe in practicing what I preach.

Oh, for your information, since it appears to be so important, I am 65 and my father is 87.

dc409 · Jan 11, 2012, 04:22 PM

I am a resident of a nursing home. I'm wired different than your mom so I'm okay with facility living. BUT I see lots of what your facing. Wife wants to go home, husband doesn't want her there anymore.He also controls the money.
First go to a lawyer that handles senior law. Second you must have her legally give you POA.
She is not in a nursing home because she was legally put there. Soo it is her right to leave any time she choses. She is not in jail.
Tell the social worker or nurse at the desk that your mom wants to sign the form AMA (against medical advice) and she just walks out the door.Certainly bring her to your house because you could never trust him again.Then call the lawyer for advice about money for her care.If she can pay for her care the lawyer will tell you or her how to get it.If she is destitude call social service.