Recent Quips from Late Night

"How many of you saw the Republican presidential debate? There are ten Republicans who want to be president of the United States. Did you see them? I mean, they looked like guys waiting to tee off at a restricted country club. " --David Letterman

"The Republican presidential debate was held tonight in California, and ten candidates took part. Political experts say that the ten Republican candidates represented all races, creeds, and colors of rich white men." --Conan O'Brien

"Tonight was the big Republican debate. Ten white guys. ... It looked like a meeting of the Hair Club for Men. GOP stands for Gray, Old and Pale." --Jay Leno

"There's a brand new book out. In it Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says that she has a crush on President Bush. Well, sure. Who doesn't?" --David Letterman

"It looks like a lot of politicians' careers will be ruined when this Washington madam releases the names on her client list. President Bush's Deputy Secretary of State Randall Tobias has already resigned because he was a customer. He claims he just got a massage, but no sex. I think that was called 'The Married Guy Special.'" --Jay Leno

"The Democrats' problem isn't that they're calling for timetables. It's that they're calling them timetables. You're up against Bush and the Republicans, you got to bring some zing. Don't call them timetables. Call them ... patriot dates ... freedom deadlines ... glory goals. What decent, patriotic American wouldn't stand behind a glory goal?" --Jon Stewart

"Anybody planning on seeing ... 'Spiderman 3'? This one is crazy because during the day he's Spiderman, but at night he turns into his alter ego. He goes out wearing black tights and does things that he's ashamed about the next day. Wait a minute ... that's Jim McGreevey." --David Letterman

"According to Men's Health Magazine, one out of five grown adult men still watch Saturday morning cartoons every week. To which President Bush went, 'See'" --Jay Leno





Last Wishes

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.

"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."





Who Is The Most Obedient?

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked.

"Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."





For The Kids...

Mother: How was your first day at school?
Son: It was all right except for some man called "Teacher" who kept spoiling all our fun!

I'm not going back to school ever again
Why ever not?
The teacher doesn't know a thing, all she does is ask questions!

Fred came home from his first day at school. "Nothing exciting happened", he told his mother, "Except the teacher didn't know how to spell cat so I told her"