Don't TELL me you haven't had a day like this!!
MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER,
PROCTER & GAMBLE
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and
I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or
Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa
dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in
tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary
Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how
crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and
secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
"the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is
starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently
surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust
and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call
"an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt have seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating,
puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings,
crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough
time for most women.
In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer,
fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George
Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was
written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must
realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniac's in Capri pants.
Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful, I wanted to reach
inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and
there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy
Period."
Are you freaking kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really
think happiness- actual smiling, laughing happiness- is possible during a
menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit
pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M
freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in
which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock
yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walmart
armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze
of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to
slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or
"Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen
to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss
your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending
bullsh**t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always!
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