Right, i'm off to a party in a week and i really need some good jokes. Does anyone have one?

Altenweg

Okay, I don't know you, and this is more of a pick-up line than a joke, so use with care.

Hi, I seem to have misplaced my phone number, could I borrow yours?

Breaks the ice every time.

mafiaangel180

What's green with wheels?

Grass...I lied about the wheels. tee hee. lol.

What do you call a dog with three legs and steel balls?

Sparky.

marshmellowpuff

Yeah i think i'll use the one about the lip! Thank you so much!

marshmellowpuff

Grass! lol hahaha Thank you!

mafiaangel180

One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass. He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass?"

The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can''t afford a thing to eat."

So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."

The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along.

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."

The lawyer said, "You''re going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."

marshmellowpuff

Hahaha lol Thats really good! I'll use that thank you!

Guinness683

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says,
"Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. " Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"I don't remember."

Guinness683

After a car wreck;

'Officer, this is how the fight started...

'I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault. So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the car I hit gets out of his car. . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed... and life... sometimes life seems like... suddenly funny? Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car and I get out of my car. He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close at me, he looks up in my face and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

'And I don't know what possessed me, officer, but I look down at him and I said, 'Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?' .. . . and that's when the fight started.

Guinness683

5 Secrets to a Perfect Relationship


1. It is important that a woman helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a woman makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a woman you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a woman is good in bed and loves making love to you.

5. It is VERY important that these four women never meet.