[capitalsfan]

I started going out with this girl 9 months ago. I knew she was separated with 2 kids, but she had started dating 5 months before me, so I knew she was starting to move on (At that point separated 10 months). In the beginning of the relationship I asked if he would try and come back and she said no. I even had her ask him and he said he had moved on and she should do the same. For 7 months things were great. I have never felt so connected to someone, even my first wife(who took her own life 3 1/2 years ago and left my son and I) and believe God brought us together. Our kids (mine 10, hers 6) have issues, but at the same time get along just like brothers do. Her 15 year old daughter likes me and has told her that she does not want her dad back(more story here, but I'll leave it at that).

About 2 months ago he started to tell her he did not know if he wanted her back, but was just thinking about it. He was seeing someone else and wanted to see where that went first. My girlfriend found out he took her to Hawaii after he said that and was mad and basically broke them up. Since then he has been talking to her more and more about thinking to try. I have given her space and time so she can make a decision, but she keeps coming back to me and has even told him she has picked me. I thought everything was over and I was letting her back in, but after New Years (she spent it with me while he was with their kids), she told me said he wants to try.

She said she is still leaning to be with me and knows I am the better choice, but is conflicted because of the kids and how our son's interact. She is also concerned about my son is not connecting to her, but I feel she has not even tried because she is afraid to. To add to all this stress we were also going to move in together in a new house. When this all started I thought about not moving, but I love the house and knew it was time to move(and move on from the house my wife died in) so I knew regardless I would move (house is just in my name. Her credit is now bad because is doing a short sale on her house because she could not afford it).

I have told her in the past and now I was committed to her, loved her, felt connected to her, believe God brought us together, and would give her time (before she said she picked me). I told her the other day when this came out I was at the point of being done with this. She does not want to hurt me anymore either. He has told her if she moves in with me he will stop, but I don't believe that either. He has pushed for the divorce in the past and now that she was pushing for the divorce and stopped pursuing him he has said he has a change of heart (I think he is just lonely because he is not with anyone and is now afraid to move on). I don't believe him after everything she has told be about him.

She said she needed a couple days to think and I told her she would need more than that. I even told her if she went back to him and it did not work out I don't know if I could take her back. Mainly because of what it would do to the kids. If I took her back it would be a very slow process. She has already called me because she misses me and I told her she needs to take time to decide.

I think it would be hard to take her back now and not feel resentment. I would be worried that she would do it again. I feel so betrayed. Before I did not because I know she was thinking about her kids. But at the same time I love her so much. I keep trying to give her space, but there is only so much I can give. If she chooses me I know it will take time for her wounds to heal. But I worry I will be paranoid it will happen again no matter what she says.

Please give me your thoughts. Thanks.

[jmooney527]

You're in quite the mess my friend!

For starters, do not move in together. It's WAY too early to consider that an option. So even if things work out between you two, I would highly advise not to move in together.

It sounds like she doesn't know what she wants, and she's tying you in with all her drama and confusion. Clearly she isn't ready to be in another relationship. I know you feel really connected with her and you love her, but she just isn't ready to be in a full relationship with you until she moves past her old one.

The fact that she's considering going back to her ex is a sign for you to pull on the ripcord of your parachute. Why would you want to be with someone who is unsure about being with you? One who goes back and forth between her ex and you frequently?

Concentrate on your kids and your own well being and leave her to all her drama and nonsense. Her ex is toying with her and you're getting wrapped up in it.

[amicon]

Your priority must be to continue giving your child the best life possible.

It seems obvious she still hasn't ever gotten over her husband which is one huge red flag-she shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone at the moment.

You need to make some decisions about your own life and your own future and that of your child's.
Don't wait around for her to make her mind up-and then maybe change it again.

[HistorianChick]

She is still married. Right or wrong, she is wondering if "one more shot" will help repair that broken marriage. You have to let her do what she feels best.

That being said, I don't think you need to be a doormat either. She is wanting to have her cake and eat it, too. You are the sugary frosting on her stale marriage cake. You should not be expected to be waiting in the wings... you (and your son) deserve SO much more than that.

My opinion? She doesn't know what she wants and you do. She is chasing a dream; you want to make a reality. She believes that this "last chance" may result in a happily-ever-after ending with an estranged husband; you offer her stability, a family, a hearth, and a home.

Unfortunately, she can't see that. All she sees her estranged husband trying "work it out." I don't see that happening for her.

Now you must decide if you want to wait around for the inevitable end to this last chance. But, you are SO right when you said that it would wreck havoc on the children.

I recommend telling her that this is it. You're all in. She must realize that she has to choose. You or him. I'm so sorry for the pain that this will cause you, her, and the children, but you MUST do this for their sakes... and for the sake of your own heart.

Oh, and for future reference, please don't get involved with someone until the divorce papers are signed. It just ends bad for everyone.

[capitalsfan]

Thank you so much for your thoughts. I had told her this was done with this and not to contact me unless she has made a decision. I did put it all out there. She knows she can't lead me along anymore. Her biggest fear is she prayed so long for him to come back so now she thinks is could be it. I wish I believed that too, but I don't and that is why it is so hard. God does always answer our prayers, just not always the way we hope or think.

I agree I should not have been involved with a separated wowan, esp with kids. I guess I thought it was meant to be. If not I need to accept that as well. In fact while I try not to limit myself, I don't think being involved with anyone with kids would be a good idea in my situation now. I thought kids would be good for my son so he would not feel so lonely.


What's ironic is if I had not met her through mutual friends I know he would have never wanted to take her back. It was not until she moved on did he ever try. If it is meant to be, then let it be. If not, may they work it out because of me. Hard to accept, but we need to be thankful for the good and bad in our lives.

[amicon]

That's true-be thankful for this learning experience that is life. I wish you and your boy all the best and take good care of each other.

[HistorianChick]

This is one of those times that I wish I could offer you a magic elixer that will heal your heart and make all the pain go away. Unfortunately, only time does that.

Look out for your son now... he needs you as much as you need him. Take care - and we're always here!

[talaniman]

Red Flags-

Such a big emotional investment after ONLY 9 months

No divorce, doesn't matter the length of separation, nor living arrangements.

No healing time, even though you ASSUMED she was ready for what you want.

KIDS, which are always an issue, just because they have their own feelings, and issues that get caught in the middle of adult affairs.

Legal husband who is still trying, or trying to mess her up, doesn't matter.

Sorry guy, to many unresolved issues that could go on for years.

[joncanread]

Hello,

I just came across your question this morning in the process of getting some insights into my own hurts. And I thought I'd offer this:

Over the last year, I've encountered dozens of men (myself included) whose lives and emotional happiness have either been undermined or totally destroyed by women who can't bring themselves to let go of past relationships--no matter how unhealthy, dysfunctional, or co-dependent those past relationship may have been. In fact, what I've begun to recognize is a pattern: That most women have a deep-seated NEED to feel like they can REMEDY A SITUATION, a powerful NEED to be NEEDED, to FEEL as if THEY ALONE are the MISSING INGREDIENT to create SOMEONE ELSE'S HAPPINESS. This is often because of "father issues," not receiving affirmation from their fathers while they were growing up.

Ironically, I'd say that this "return dynamic" appears to be especially powerful whenever the man is helpless, needy, has nothing going on in his life--or is a manipulator who can orchestrate the kind of lies that women want to believe--like, "I think we had something special, I'm willing to give it a try, I want to see if we can make it," etc.--thereby creating the impression that they cannot get along without a particular woman, which only serves to reinforce the woman's own pre-wired psychology. But leaving a relationship and returning to an old one because of being magnetized by neediness from a man--and her own NEED to be NEEDED is rampant... and apparently being given the green-light everywhere women congregate to mull things over together.

With this in mind, it's the dynamic of "push-and-pull" that works so well to suck women back into unhealthy, old relationships, because these guys have learned how to create the impression that they need the woman, but that it's the woman's choice to "see if they can work things out." I'll tell you, it's an absolutely unbeatable psychological combination!

So many female friends of mine have said, "We women are 'nurturers.' We are created to take care of others. We just want to create a safe place for those we love." Sounds great, but this kind of thinking "gives a hall pass" to certain women by blaming their terribly hurtful, painful, and downright cruel actions on some kind of "I must shower love and humanitarian/kindness and well-being" plane that excuses them from facing responsibility for the repercussions of their behavior, while promoting their selfish-ego agendas at the same time. And, again, it soooo often goes back to how they felt about their own fathers. Also, make no mistake: There is a "Sisterhood" of women. And they will not, cannot, are not, not on train or in the rain in Spain with Jane, going to tell the truth to a man who is hurting about how one of their own has mistreated him, made an unhealthy decision, or behaved poorly... maybe in rare circumstances if they are trying to tear down a woman they have a long-standing grudge against. But, overall, women stick together and will not reveal deep, painful (and sometimes very obvious) truths about one of their friends or acquaintances. If they did, there would probably be a lot fewer men running around with their guts about to fall out, because they'd start to understand some out of control/unacceptable behaviors that women often exhibit and would begin to untangle their emotional confusion. Again, there's the "father issue" underneath it all.

The truth is, within relationship dynamics, men actually have a lot more power than they realize. And I'm afraid to say that the priority "trump card" is deeply understanding that women tend to be led entirely by emotions, not reason or sense or anything that seems "clear." Women want to FEEL that a man needs them, but want to THINK it's their decision to have a relationship with him. I swear, that's it.

This happened to me a year ago. I had been dating a woman for over a year who, three weeks before, had asked me to "let her have my baby." Before this, she'd asked me to move in with her repeatedly. But I wanted to do things the "healthy" way, i.e. have my own place, be established, have stability and something to offer. Then, she got a call from her ex-husband (a chronic drug-user, with no ambition, basically homeless, no education) who told her he had cancer and had realized he couldn't get along without her. Whoosh! In about 4 seconds, she was gone. Yes, I definitely realize that cancer is huge, and that it's not like having a cold, or breaking your leg. But no matter the particulars, the behavior and outcome are just like thousands of other stories I see floating around on the web: "she told me she still loved me, couldn't lose me, still wanted to have a future with me," etc. For a long time, I went through lots of different emotions, from "Poor guy, he's got cancer and needs someone" to "She's so great to leave me and go where her heart is telling her to be...." to "What the hell just happened?" to "I just screwed, she never really did let go of her ex, was indifferent to my feelings and emotions, and this is all about trying to fulfill her deep need to be needed in some kind of ultimate way that gives her transcendence....while making up for her absent-father issues at the same time!!"

Bottom line: The truth is that women have been allowed to act in ways that are disrespectful, heartless, and ultimately stupid. And if men behaved in these ways, woman would be rioting in the streets. But, instead, we scratch our heads, spend months and even years trying to get over a woman's selfish and destructive behavior by confusedly trying to acribe some kind of "sense" to it. This is it in a nutshell: It's selfish, egotistical stupidity--not sense of any rational kind--that causes women to quickly disconnect from a current relationship and immediately return to a dysfunctional ex. They think that they can "add value" to their lives--and to these men's lives--by "saving the day."

In a word: Nonsense.