[Mic77]

Here goes.. I am only married a couple months, but this has always been an issue somewhat ever since we have been dating.

My husbands best friend is very adventerous, outgoing, and fun... all the reasons they get along so well. My issue is when we all hangout he tends to tease me a lot, not in a funny way but making fun of me. From my choices in life to how I am. He does this in such a way that my husband doesn't see as being mean, and just says that I am just being too sensitive. I do not ever see his friend being mean to anyone else though or teasing them. He actually goes out of his way to try to put down or disprove anything that I say.

He has started to make it very awkward for me to be around him. I have tried very hard to be friendly with him. I have also tried to let me husband have his alone time without me. They don't get to hangout as much as the used to due to his friend job being odd hours... so it is usually random and last minute he calls without any planning for me to do something else. This sometimes gets in the way, but I have been dealing with it because they would never get to see each other otherwise.

My problem is that there are times when I have to hangout, because I didn't have time to plan my own thing, envolves other couples, or my husband has invited him along on our day trips or whatnot. I tried to confront his friend last time we hung out after he had been teasing me most of the night.(just directly)
I just told him that he teases me a lot and wish he would stop, because I try very hard to be nice and that he is making me uncomfortable. He was very plainly rude to me in front of a group of friends. He said I was trying to hard and it was painful for him to hangout with me. He told me I must be threatened by his friendship with my husband. I know think it might be the opposite. He also hates his brother's girlfriend and talks bad in detail about her whenever he mentions his brother(which is often).

After that event I just very asked him to leave, because I was really angry and knew I would say something I would regret. My husband said he would talk with him and said we are too very different people. He understood why I was upset and felt bad for me... so I guess he will talk to him.

My husband loves his best friend and they have grown up together. I don't know what do do I am very sad by this. I know that his friend will always be around and this won't be the last time something like this happens. I don't want to always have to drop our plans stay at home or have to make other plans every time his friend is available to hangout. I know also I can't pitch a fit every time his friend is coming to one of our outings . His friend works on a boat so is available when the water conditions are rough.. so he knows basically an hour before he shows up. It is hard for me to make always make plans when it is convient for him to hangout.

I feel like my husband doesn't see my issues with his friend, but I don't want to start a bashing contest. I think he is starting to understand after this last episode with him. I can only brush off his rudeness for so long before I lose it.

Please any advice to get over this would be great. I don't want this to hurt my marriage in the long run.

[CaptainRich]

It sounds to me like you've got your head around this one. And perhaps your husband doesn't. He is in a quandry because he's caught between the two of you.
But, I think you're right, "He told me I must be threatened by his friendship with my husband. I know think it might be the opposite." You've put your foot down about being abused. Now stand firm. It also doesn't sound fair that this other person can make the kind of demands on your home time. You've been accomidating to your husband and his friend, allowing them "guy" time. Give it time, but like I said before, stand firm and don't let this ruin your life.
Good luck!

[Mic77]

Thanks... it is just very difficult and trying on me. I am hanging in. I wish there was more that could be doon to make this smoother.

[talaniman]

I can tell your not the type to come up with your own witting replies, but the best way to get people off your case, is to comeback with your own stuff. When people know that your easily hurt and overwhelmed by their personal banter, they pour it on, but if they know you don't care, and can fire back at them, they back-off. A thicker skin, and a sharper tongue can put him in his place more quick than anything else. Plus the satisfaction of getting back is immense.

[GoldieMae]

Does he have a girlfriend? I'm going to go out on a limb and say he doesn't. Usually you see this with women, and not as often with men, but if one is in a relationship and the other is not, the one who isn't in a relationship becomes jealous of it. It's not necessarily the significant other per se, just the idea that the other person has a significant other. Since he's doing this to others as well, his jealousy that your husband is in a good relationship is the culprit, not a genuine dislike of you.

[Mic77]

He does have a girlfriend and actually just had a child with her(much to my husband and my surprise... found out when she was 5mths pregnant from someone else totally) He didn't even invite her to our wedding and she was about to have his baby. I am not sure how much in the picture she is other than him caring for his child. However, he is always doing things with her, but he never will admit they are actually a couple to my husband. Just the other day he was telling my huband how he has been thinking about one of his old girlfriends. So I am not sure where that lies. So maybe they are working it out.
That in itself is a whole issue I don't want to dive into. (really don't want to know anymore)

Talaniman - you are correct I am not the type to do this. I try sometimes, but I really cannot keep up with his banter he intimidates me. I found that in the past I have dug the hole deeper. I may come up with one or two things, but he then he will kick it up a notch. The only things I can think of sometimes are very hateful and that just wouldn't be right to say to him.(He says things that are rude/slick not hateful) But I am very close to just telling him off!

So it sounds like a great idea, but it doesn't work for me. That is why I thought just confronting him would be best... in my mind maybe he didn't know he was doing it. (giving him the benefit of the doubt) OH BOY WAS I WRONG. I just hope that my talk and my husband's soon talk with him makes a difference.

[bushg]

The friend def. has issues with women. This is exactly what I would say. "play nice or next time I will make you stay at home." Every time he got out of line I would say this and smile and wink. I would make sure that the whole crowd heard me. If he wants to challenge you. Say. "Go home to your mammas baby and give her the attention you are giving me and maybe she will like you better and become your wife so you do not have to tag along with us all of the time." "I know you are lonely but I'm taken.":) Try a few it may help you feel a little better if the husband does not control the friend.

[lacuran8626]

I would tell your husband's friend, in your husband's presence: "When you disrespect me, and say and do things that I have repeatedly told you offend me, you are intentionally trying to cause problems between my husband - who you call your best friend - and me - the woman he has chosen as his wife. You are acting like I stole your friend. It's stupid. I am not his buddy, nor do I even want to be - I'm his wife. We are in an adult relationship here, and if you want to stay friends, you are going to have to let your friendship move to an adult level as well."

If they don't both get the picture with this, they are both idiots, I'm sorry to say.

[luisma]

If the guy is stupid.. yes he is mad at you because you took away his guide to hangout
If the guy is smart... maybe he is trying to get something else out of you...
If you are stupid.. you will think.. he is stupid..
If you are smart.. you will first evaluate... how far is he willing to reach.. and if he is
Worth of allowing him to do so.. or the worst case he will... get permission... just to
Make it a gossip issue