[taija82]

Hi,
I have been together with my boyfriend for three years and I am at my wits end how am I going to solve this intimacy problem.

First six month were great and then sex gradually dropped from every day to once a week,once every two weeks and now it has been once a month at least a year if not longer. He ALWAYS pushes me away if I initiate sex, either pretends he doesn't realise what I'm after,or he gets anoyed for disturbing him when he is watching telly,it's too hot/cold... I have tried to talk to him about it, asking is sex boring, is there something you want to try etc but he just says it's fine there's nothing wrong with you,he enjoyes it etc.

I first thought he might be depressed and I was trying to be patient and understanding even when he all of a sudden started coming before I was anywhere close to orgasm. Eventually one night I was so hurt and upset that I just burst into tears and he just kind of took it as a joke and didn't even apologize.

He says he loves me and I do believe that,his family and friends say the same thing that he is totally in love with me.We cuddle everyday,laugh and talk and we have so much intimacy outside the bed,but when it comes to sex he never communicates,we only made actual love twice, both when I broke up with him and he begged me not to.Other times it's just sex.At the beginning he used to love to give oral and try new things but now he never gives me oral( I do it every time), we have no foreplay (apart from me giving him oral and thinking happy thoughts to get me going) and he usually comes early,apologises and says next time honey and cuddles.But the next time never comes.

I use to be so open and experimental in bed and I just love it, but slowly he is chipping into my confidence, I can't even orgasm any more because I can't relax because I know I have to come before he does and it's like countdown 10-9-8-7... I have asked am I boring,what does he like and he says no you're fine, I am happy.

When I try to talk about how unhappy it makes me feel he turns it against me:
- I should be more assertive when initiating and turn the TV off( I did this over a week ago, he got so mad because "he was in the middle of watching news" and I lost my plot and we haven't spoken since I am so pissed off!)

-maybe if you would dress up as a naughty nurse,that might get me going, smile. (I did this twice, bought a nurses outfit and needles to say he's reaction was like "crap I really have to do this now".The other time I took a picture of myself in a bunny ears and corset and send it to him to his mobile,thinking he come home and be all exited.No. He just pretented I was wearing normal cloths and went to watch teevee, asking what would I like for dinner.I decided I will NEVER do this with him again)

-acuses me of not doing it very well(initiating), and when I say how can I ,you don't even give me a chance he just shakes his head saying it's definitely not his fault.
-He says he would LOVE to have more sex but that I never initiate...

I am so sick of this and it is so out of character, he is the most kindest and understanding man ever but when it comes to sex, it's like a different person entirely.

I know he is not gay and if he cheating me then he is a wizard because we are always together,I don't know where he would find the time to do it.Plus he doesn't give me any vibes,like something would be odd.

I don't think this will ever work out because he will not communicate with me or hear me when I say how much it hurts. Since he turned me down again a week ago we have slept in separate rooms and I can't even bring myself to talk to him ,I hate him so much right now. He won't come and talk to me either, I know him and he will just keep pretending that I am over reacting and soon enough we will be like nothing ever happened... until next fight and then he pretends to be surprised and accuses me of not initiating...

I love him and hate him and I am slowly but surely breaking up with him.I just don't understand,if you love me so much why don't you come and meet me half way?Is it lack of love?He always says he loves me so much, sometimes jokes about getting married, he always talks about future together.
So I don't know,should I keep fighting or is he a lost cause?

[0rphan]

Hello taija,

It could just be that you have a higher sex drive than he does,as time as gone on and your relationship has leveled out,so the intimacy between you has slowed down as well.

However it could also be, that he has lost his confidence when making love.You say that he came to early once and made a joke of it,I think he couldn't control himself,which made him really embarrassed.The foreplay that you speak of,which now doesn't exist,I think is all part of the same problem,he knows he will get too excited , to early, you won't be ready and again he will come to quickly... embarrassment all over again.Rather than keep doing that he just pushes you away with some or other excuse.

I think you could make some suggestions to him,only don't let him think that it's because of the way things are in that department.Suggest, just having foreplay with no intercourse for a while... only touch,feel,words what ever works for the both of you... no intercourse at this point.Try and do this for at least a week, adding on a little bit more to the foreplay as the week progresses... see how long you can keep this up,it has really to be at the point where you are desperate to make love to each other.

If he can sustain himself for longer each time you do the foreplay, then he will be confident that when making love,you can both reach the same place together.

The fact that you are not expecting him to perform, will immediately relieve any pressure that he may be feeling.

You are going to have to be very strong to initiate this,natural conclusion is intercourse,but try not to, if you can.


Another option for this problem is ,depression,this will sometimes kill your sex drive.There has been no mention of this ,so I am assuming this is not the case.

[Fr_Chuck]

1. how old are both of you, * not that us seniors have to have low sex drives but some do

2. Is there money or other problems

3. does he have a hard time performing, many men instead of going to the doctor, just stop trying to have sex because they have trouble maintaining an erection. So it is easy to act like they don't want to, instead of failing

[taija82]

Thanks Orphan for your reply.

I doubt that depression is the reason, he is very relaxed and easy going person and loves to laugh. I actually thought he was depressed two years ago when he left his job after 11 years in the navy and gave him all the support and love I could give him and he used that as a reason not to have sex. However after two years I can tell that he is not really depressed if he was then he is definitely not now,he is so content and happy with life as long as there is plenty of football and food on offer. He just has a habbit of using that cheap old reason to make me feel sorry for him and forget to try and talk about sex. It's frustrating and the only time he is depressed is when I am upset about sex. Then he tries to outdo me by which one of us is the saddest one( it really weird, he won't listen my worries just puts this act on) and as soon as I forgive him he snaps right back in front of TV laughing his head off about something funny they said. It really makes me feel like a fool and every time I swear never again will I forgive him for not try and help me to save our relationship.

Now about the pressure he might be feeling in bed.. You might be right it would dwefinately make sense. However once or twice when I realised he was getting close to orgasm I asked him to slow down but he just ignored it and kept going faster and faster, I asked again please slow down and then he just came ,said sorry I couldn't help it, next time honey. I ask when is next time tonight? He laughs and says hmm maybe we will see. And when I initiate its definite no.

I am sick of this, I have not turned him down ever but this is now exactly what I am going to do from now on. As for getting him to do anything else apart from cuddling I am afraid it is not happening at all, he won't turn the TV off. That was the other thing I used to catch him watching TV while sex and it got me so furious. He would also try and turn me on between ad breaks and then all of a sudden stopped, watched TV and when another add came he would be trying to get me in the mood. I asked the TV to be turned off and when he laughed and said no I stormed out and slept on the couch.

This person is so incredibly insensitive when it comes to sex yet he is otherwise so incredibly sensitive and loving Its like jekyll and hyde. Could it be that this is his way of putting me down for some reason?

[taija82]

Also Chuck: I am 29 and he is 33.There are know money problems although I am an immigrant and given up everything just to be with him which is stressing me out so much! I have no friends, we moved to new city and I have difficulties finding a job here. I was 26 when we decided to apply for de facto and when that happened I had to post pone my plans to go to uni after travels or my desire to work in military/police. I still have to wait for a year until I can study here and two years to get my citicenship. So I am basically so stuck and given up everything for him because I couldn't bear to part from him.Yet he won't even make the effort and go to a doctor or even talk about this. I am so ready to go home I feel I have wasted three years of my time with him.

[wow2011]

Hi I have the same problem with my boyfriend. We have 2 kids and have been together for 7 years. We have sex about once every 2 weeks if I'm lucky but this is not enough for me, I would like it at least once a week! I'm always the one trying it on with him and he either pushes me away or tells me no. I ask him why and he says he's not in the mood or he's tired or some other excuse. When we do have sex I initiate it of course and it's like I'm forcing him to do it at first until he gets into it, makes me feel ****...

I try to talk to him about it and he just tells me to shut up or ignores me. The only way I know sex is guaranteed is if I buy sexy underwear but I can't do that every week or twice a week because I would be broke and to be honest it shouldn't take that to have sex, should it?

It's so bad I'm depressed about it and don't know whether to leave him or wait and see if he does ever change!!