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Maricruz · Feb 6, 2007, 08:39 PM

I am a happily married, 2 kids, dog, large house in the suburbs, great job, etc. woman with a ton of friends. I have one friend - female - who I trust more than anyone else except my DH. Lately however, I find myself sexually attracted to this woman. Mind you, I love and respect my husband and would never ACT on this, but the feelings are there. She's also happily married with three kids... but she is very affectionate, lots of hugs and every once in a while, she'll kiss me gently on the lips when we say goodbye...

Has anyone ever experienced this? I also think about her quite a bit (we talk almost every day, for hours... )

wanna smile · Feb 7, 2007, 06:00 AM

Hi yeah I have and its weird my son has a girlfriend that has a lesbian mum, and we are friends and I also have that feeling for her but I'm in a bad relationship at the moment even though I love my husband dearly, I'm thinking that maybe I am feeling it due to a sad time I'm having in my relationship and she's so happy and so loving to her partner and seems so carefree that it seems so much more inviting to be around her more and more! Yet I have feelings of wanting to be with her in more than just a friendship but like you I would never act on it either and she's in a happy relationship, though I get bad vibes from her partner! So I'm trying not to seem interested. So I can't explain why these feelings are there but they are so just do what you feel you need to do about this and be careful you seem to have it all, and you are luckier than some!

saraispiel19 · Feb 8, 2007, 11:54 AM

Originally Posted by Maricruz

I am a happily married, 2 kids, dog, large house in the suburbs, great job, etc. woman with a ton of friends. I have one friend - female - who I trust more than anyone else except my DH. Lately however, I find myself sexually attracted to this woman. Mind you, I love and respect my husband and would never ACT on this, but the feelings are there. She's also happily married with three kids... but she is very affectionate, lots of hugs and every once in a while, she'll kiss me gently on the lips when we say goodbye...

Has anyone ever experienced this? I also think about her quite a bit (we talk almost every day, for hours...)

Ooh gee-- she probαbly likes you too-- umm confronting her αbout it would be αwkwαrd especiαlly if she dosen't feel the sαme.. if you don't wαnt to "αct" on it then I suggest you put some distαnce into the relαtionship αnd mαy be even letting her go to resist your little temptαtions<3

Maricruz · Mar 12, 2007, 12:09 AM

Update... without explanation she's cut me out of her life completely, told me flat out she doesn't want to do anything with me anymore (we used to walk twice a week). She won't return phone calls or emails, but last time we talked (the day she told me no more walks... ) she said I was a very special person in her life but that over the last year our relationship had become too exclusive - to please not take it personally that she needed to work on her family life. She's now hanging out with another friend of hers she knew from college and were roommates for years (someone who I thought, she wasn't very happy with, she told me that much, now they are going away for a long weekend in May - by the way everyone is straight here... ). When I see her at school, she says hi in a very cold way...
Someone I talked to about this told me that she probably developed feelings that all of a sudden scared her... what about MY feelings??

JoeCanada76 · Mar 12, 2007, 12:45 AM

First you said that she used to kiss you softly on the lips when saying goodbye. Hmmm, yes that sounds like having feelings too me. I think you need to let her go her own way. It is important for your marriage and for her marriage. I think that you both probably had feelings or maybe she felt things were getting to weird and it was time to break away. You need to understand no matter what the reason, it is important that you give this person their space.

Joe

Maricruz · Mar 12, 2007, 11:08 AM

You know... you are right, but I don't think it's fair not to offer an explanation that is truthful after I was told how important I was in this woman's life, many times...

saraispiel19 · Mar 12, 2007, 12:13 PM

Ummmmmmmmm REALITY CHECK!! YOUR MARRIED WITH CHILDREN. I'm pretty sure they don't wαnt to know thαt mommy hαs lesbiαn feelings. Your pαth is αlreαdy pαved & she sαid bye to you-get over it. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't wαnt to find out thαt your husbαnd hαs been hαving feelings for αnother (mαn or womαn it's still cheαting 'emotionαlly')

Maricruz · Mar 12, 2007, 01:26 PM

Sara,
You have a point... however... my husband also got kissed in the lips and he knows how close we were and how much I trusted her - he appreciated that I had a friend who finally got me out to walk mile after mile after mile. He's actually annoyed at her behaviour. Several folks have asked me if I know what's up, because she has totally changed.

All I wish for is an explanation because you don't tell someone they are your rock, how much you need them, that you hope you are friends for life and that you love them and soon thereafter you stop all contact with them... it messes with the mind.

skip2 · Mar 12, 2007, 01:52 PM

This woman has clearly awakened some feelings in you.

But you dodged a bullet. Be thankful.

I know you feel confused, but those butterflies could swarm into killer Bees if you followed the kissing to its conclusion. My guess is this woman has some unresolved issues that may go back as far as childhood. Once you/anyone becomes truly close, she had to jump back.

I think your friend is correct.

We have some wives in our city that have gone "out" (and then some) with lesbians who have made advances on women in long term marriages that might have had a marrital or life weak moment. NONE of the flings worked out and each marriage suffered irrevocable harm. To make a long story longer... she did you a favor. You found out now she hurts folks. I doubt you are the first or will be the last. That is not a friend a mother needs. You need all your energy. And she's a "taker"..

Sorry you are hurting. Glad your husband understands. Focus on him and kids for a month and you'll feel a lot better.

Maricruz · Mar 12, 2007, 02:35 PM

Thanks Skip...
It's sad... she trusted me with stuff she had never told anyone else about her family and upbringing - nothing earth shattering but very personal, and any time I had a dark moment all I had to do was call and she was there for me, lots of "big sister" advice... When her house was being remodeled I was the only one of her friends who made the family dinner and I took her oldest son, who was having some teen trouble, under my wing...

I don't see her as a user... she's a very giving person in many ways, I think it's more that she's never had a lot of close people in her life, because she's extremely private and her husband is at the other end of the spectrum in the affectionate scale from her, very uptight guy, brought up in an uptight family, where affection is not shown... ever...

I have lots of friends, thank goodness, but I think it will be a long time before I can trust another soul unless they are married to me... too painful, physically and emotionally...

skip2 · Mar 12, 2007, 03:18 PM

As for not trusting people, I would say don't go too far in your sadness right now. There is no reason to be rash. You are hurting. Many new friends are coming your way. Don't close yourself off.

damaged people make us feel what THEY feel. it's one of the crazy ironies of life.

Once you know that, you can begin to move on and discover new things and new friends.

JacintaBlue2004 · Mar 14, 2007, 08:21 AM

Don't put your marrige in jeporady girl. You can be attracted to people and not act on it. Leave it be.

robertsqueen · Mar 14, 2007, 08:26 AM

I had a friend that I was really close and affectionate with, I grew feelings for her, but I think that is just how weman are. When we let people in to far we grow attacched. And one day she told me that she didn't want me in her life. It hurts I know, I can't trust the same, but the thing is that maybe she is scared, and confused? Does she have kids and a family herself? The best thing that you can do is focus on your family.

Maricruz · Mar 14, 2007, 07:26 PM

I would never act on it... not worth it. She does have kids (teens) and is married. My main thing is why the sudden switch in attitude, and when I did ask all I got was a "I don't want to talk about it".
All I keep thinking is: this is what I get for being nice to people... so no more Mrs. Nice Girl... I'm tired of getting hurt...

Ash123 · Mar 14, 2007, 08:11 PM

Maria,

Here's some tough love: YOU ARE OVERREACTING.

You had a crush on someone you felt connected with - and you are bitter.

I would bet dollars to donuts that your "friend" does this a lot. She is DAMAGED. Have the maturity to see that. Your kids depend on your wisdom.

Do not shut out the world because of this...

kp2171 · Mar 14, 2007, 08:21 PM

Originally Posted by Maricruz

All I keep thinking is: this is what I get for being nice to people... so no more Mrs. Nice Girl... I'm tired of getting hurt...

I disagree. I think being genuine and expecting and demanding more from others is fine.

Yes... it hurts like hell when others fall short.

But, you didn't do anything in particular wrong. Now, if your marriage needed the energy and interest that you were channeling into the fantasy/relationship... well then that's a problem...

But don't kick yourself for the times you were there for others and they turned their back on you.

Best case... she really does care for you, but she needs a break before something really life changing happens.

Maricruz · Mar 14, 2007, 09:17 PM

Thanks for the tough love guys... my family will never be shut out - they are too darn cute and important. And my teenage son will tell you that we do waaay much more family things than his friends, and my husband is a gem.
What I meant is that I don't want to get hurt again, so I don't think I'll ever risk getting close to a friend as much as I did here. What I mean by close is not physical, it was more on the spiritual level and maybe that's where the feelings started... When this person had her gloomy moments, I always kidded her out of it, or dragged her out for a walk with the respective dogs, or left goofy messages on her cell phone (jokes, riddles... ). And for the record, not to sound defensive, I wasn't the one who started the hand holding... I am very affectionate myself, so I never thought anything about it...

Maricruz · Mar 14, 2007, 09:23 PM

Originally Posted by Ash123

I would bet dollars to donuts that your "friend" does this a lot. she is DAMAGED. have the maturity to see that. your kids depend on your wisdom.

do not shut out the world because of this.....

Do you mean that she does the getting close/shutting out a lot? Would make a lot of sense..

kp2171 · Mar 14, 2007, 09:29 PM

Well...

We are all winging it you know...

Even those of us who have all the answers...

So I think you are going to be fine. You might need to not be so open to another for a bit.

My guess is you'll get back there someday... its probably your nature. Or maybe you'll pull back just a bit.

Again... we are all masters of improv... or amateurs at best maybe.

Ash123 · Mar 14, 2007, 09:36 PM

TOUGH LOVE #2:

Your friend has done this before...
I AM SURE OF THIS. SO DON"T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.
SHE RUNS WHEN PEOPLE GET CLOSE BECAUSE OF HER PAST.

But what i meant was:
YOU should never shut the world out because of this. it's VERY SELFISH.
SORRY. i know you are hurt, but to say because a friend hurt you, you will never
share deeply. that's not fair or right.

I PROMISE YOU: your friend is damaged. and you are acting that way too. you got addicted to her "dark moments" and fell in love. 3 months from now you will be fine... DON'T BE SO DRAMATIC. Be a good mom and take some time to heal. IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU. SHE JUST PASSED ON HER DYSFUNCTION. It's classic...

Take a deep breath. And be a lot braver. Please. That's what being a good person and mom is - risk because you care... not because what's in it for you...

As for your kids, lead by example: Do you want them to lock the door and stay inside if one of their friends is mean to them....

C'Mon MariCruz!