My ex wants me to sign over my parental rights. I live in Mississippi and she lives in Tennessee. I am a recovering alcoholic with three years sobriety. i have three children with three different women. when i was drinking I was cheating on my girlfriend with another women and they both became pregnant. when i got sober i told them about each other because the guilt was driving me crazy. they both stopped letting me see my children. i took one to court to get a dna test done (it was the only way i could get my name on the birth certificate) and before the test results came back she and her then boyfriend now husband went to juvenile court and did a vap. which blocked me from having any legal rights. juvenile court would not release the results to me without an attorney. my son has this mans last name and thinks of him as his father. while this was going on i was fighting for legal rights for my other child (who is seven months younger then her brother) and i could not afford to pay another attorney to pursue the dna test results. believe me when i say that i thought about him every minute of every day. I felt it was best to take these child support and visitation cases on separately. the mother of my three year old wanted then and wants now for me to give up my rights. she has gotten to the point to where she has now even offered to let my seven year old daughter to still be able to have some visitations every year with her three year sister. to me this all seems very cold hearted. i was court ordered to pay her $550 a month in child support it was $450 a month but i appealed the ruling and when we went back to court the judge raised it $100. i pay $250 to the mother of my seven year old. so i pay $800 a month on a waiters salary. the judge told me to get a second job. in the state of Tennessee the amount of time you spend with your child is used in determine your child support obligation. (more work equals more money which equals less time which equals more money) within the last month i received a letter from an attorney informing me of a court date set to terminate me parental rights of my son who already has this guys last name and is listed on the birth certificate. so basically i have two girls begging me to sign over me rights. i don't not have a history of violence with anyone i never hurt them i never chose to not see my children... they made that choice for me. i never had a chance. i fought for the last three years for these two kids and not one time has anything gone my way. i have two children who call another man daddy and it isn't because i skipped out on my obligations, its because their mothers cant get over me cheating on them almost five years ago.

one other thing i need to mention before clarifying my question is this, my seven year olds mother is a drug addict and is on the verge of losing my daughter. (she got a dui with my child in the car) i know this is confusing and for that I'm sorry. here is my question, would it be possible for my daughters to see each other if i did sign over my rights if the mother made that offer?

ScottGem

What's a vap? In most jurisdictions a father cannot be forced to terminate parental rights without being shown to be a danger to the child. If you got a court ordered DNA test, you should get the results. I don't quite understand why this is beling withheld from you.

I suppose a legal agreement could be drawn up to allow for the siblings to see each other but shut you out.

Bottom line here is you really need a lawyer to help you navigate the family court.

plopy

vap is a voluntary acknowledgment of paternity.this whole thing is something that i would never have considered up until recently. the mother has been in contempt of court for withholding my daughter from me and they do nothing. i cant pay the amount of child support ordered and i will go to jail for that. she hasn't backed down in three years and i have a child that will grow up with people who use drugs if i don't do something for her. i am no good to her in jail. my daughter who's mother wants me to sign over my rights hates me because he has been brainwashed

Fr_Chuck

Basicly what the girlfriend did was to lie to the courts in the VAP it sounds, and it sounds like you don' have an attorney and can't afford one. But you have to have one, since you have legal rights to see all the children, and need a child custody agreement in place saying when you can see them. And the mother can not then stop you, and if she does, you take her back to court for contempt.

And signing over your "rights" does not stop any child support, unless the other person has a new husband willing to adopt the child.
It merely means you are not allowed to ever see the child, but still have to pay child support.

So if you sign over your rights, you will still go to jail if you don't pay the child support. One has nothing to do with the other unless someone is adopting the child as a step parent ( or domestic partner in some states)

plopy

her husband wants to adopt thats why i think she has made this as hard as she has. she has been in contempt for this same matter but nothing happened to her. you are right about the first part... i did not have an attorney and she did lie but her lie made it legal in the eyes of the court. to my ex this is not about the money she could care less about the money. the money only gives her the upper hand. i love all of my children equally but my seven year old does not have it as good as the others. she is in a bad place and she will not have the same opportunities as the my son and other daughter. if i could explain this in detail my question would have been 6 pages long. the reason i mentioned the alcoholism in the original question is because when i stopped drinking it was like i woke up to a life that i didn't know i had. (3 kids with 3 different mothers) two days after i stopped drinking i was down at juvenile court filing petitions one for full custody of y seven year old and the others for visitation and to put myself on child support. my point is i did everything in my power for those kids and 2 of them didn't even know me granted it is because their mothers hold a resentment towards me for cheating. i completely changed my life for my children only to be met with brick walls in court and by the mothers. all 3 of them have kept my children from me and only asked for me to sign over my rights in response to my legal actions. two of them teach the children that another man is the father not because i ran from my responsibilities but because they withheld the kids from me... which makes me the deadbeat. if the me from 3 years ago could meet me now.... i would kick my own for even debating this. im sorry for going on like this but this isn't fair. during our child support court appearance my ex told me "this isn't about the money"

thank you guys for answering me

Squiffy

You sound like a good man who just wants to see his children. which is admirable. In some respects I can understand the mothers point of view, you treated them badly and they wanted a stability for their children that you could not offer them. Being sober now doesnt change the past, tyey still had to live through the way things were bwtween you. But I dont believe any father should be denied the chance to be a father, whatever their past. My own ex husband was denied access to our children (he wasnt even allowed to pay child support) because of the violence he used to dish out to us. But three years down the line he plays an active role in their lives, because though I have a new partner it has always been made clear my kids have a daddy already and he should be there for them. So he is. My new partner has mental health problems and despite winning many court cases giving him access to his daughter, he hasnt seen her for years, and I see every day how much that destroys him.

I would say dont sign anything. I dont know the laws where you are, but I dont see how they can force you out of your kids lives without a damn good reason, which I cant imagine they have.

grammadidi

You sound like you love your children, you have done whatever you can to make amends, you are attempting to support your children, etc. I don't think that you should give up paternal rights and feel you should continue to fight and fight and fight for the right to be in these kids lives. One day these kids will want to know why you weren't in their lives and at least you will be able to prove how much you loved and tried.

It really is a tough situation. Have you attempted to find a lawyer who might work pro bono for you and deal with all issues? I know they are hard to find, but there are some good new young lawyer's out there just itching to take on a good case.

I would also look for support groups on the web. I know there are a few of them up here in Canada and they have their own family law specialists. Often they like publicity so will take on cases such as this.

At any rate, I urge you not to give up. Send them letters, cards and gifts. If they are returned, keep them UNOPENED. One day your children will be able to look at you with so much love and respect it will make it all worthwhile. Even though you weren't a good husband you are now a good dad.

Hugs, Didi

ScottGem

First your questions was sufficiently different that it should have been answered.

Second, people should not be allowed to get away with lying to a court or contempt of court. Getting away with a lie doesn't make it now the truth. But the only way you are going to fight it is with a lawyer who knows the ropes.

As for the contempt issue, EVERY time shye denies you access you need to document it, then show up at the court as soon as possible and ask that a contempt citation be issued. You can then go pick up your child with a law officer to enforce the order.

Fr_Chuck

I wish good fathers had access to attorneys, just not having the money to hire an attorney is not a good reason not be be able to see your child.
I so wish I had some ability to help you, but I don't.

Only you can decide what you have to do. Often we have to do things we don't want to do in this life. I can't help on the legal side, but I will say a pray for you

froggy7

I'm going to play devil's advocate here for a minute. If I understand the situation correctly, back when you were drinking your wife (and a girlfriend) both got pregnant. You are now sober. One of them (it's not clear to me which) has a boyfriend (now husband) who has voluntarily agreed to be legally considered the boy's father. The boy considers the man his dad, and has his last name. The mother's husband now wants to legally adopt the boy. I think I have this part pretty clear.

What's not clear to me is this: How much of a relationship have you had with this child? If you are a complete stranger to him, is it really in his best interest to make him deal with having you in his life for the occasional visit, when there is someone who he identifies with as family who wants to be there full time? I'm struggling with the fact that, if he does think of himself as the other man's son, he might resent you if the only thing stopping them from being a real family is your insistence on your rights. Might it be better for the boy if you let the husband adopt him?

As to the two girls, the situation seems different, so I have no comment about what you should do there.