My husband got divorced a couple years back. They have 2 kids together. I know from experience that the court almost always favors the mother in family cases, which is why my 2 stepkids are living with their mom right now. I'm starting to get concerned because of a number of situations. The most recent: she caused an accident that was bad enough it required her car to be in the shop; one of the kids wasn't wearing a seat belt at the time of the accident. She never told us it happened, which is a direct violation of the divorce agreement.

Prior incidents include but are not limited to:
Moving the kids out of the neighborhood they grew up in and 60 miles away from their father to move in with her boyfriend of 3 months, whose full name we still don't know
Leaving the kids with her parents until 10PM on a daily basis because she was at her boyfriend's house and didn't feel like coming home to be with them(this was prior to her moving in with him)
Leaving the kids with her 15-year-old brother who accidentally shot one of them in the eye with a BB gun because he was playing with it indoors(she continued to leave the children with him after this occurred; she also then tried to tell my husband that he owed her money for the hospital visit)
Selling alcohol to minors(she got caught on at least one occasion)
A disorderly conduct conviction during their marriage(she showed up at his work and was cursing him out in front of the customers and management, who eventually called the police because she was so out of control)
Cursing at and giving him the finger in front of the kids
"Coaching" the kids to ask him for things and ask him to do things
Outright telling him that he owes her money(he pays the maximum allowed for child support; we do still buy things for the kids but she expects us to reimburse her for half of everything she buys and disregards that she's getting child support for that reason)
Contacting the court and telling them that he wants to change his visitation because she wanted to do something with her sister on her weekend to have the kids and was mad at him for not taking them(he would have taken them but we both had to work)
Leaving him messages telling him he doesn't care about the kids(he asked her if he could switch his visitation weekend because I went into labor and our daughter was being born; she told him she wouldn't switch it and then left the message the next day because he missed their son's baseball game which was over an hour away)
Signing up the kids for extracurricular activities without consulting him and then excluding him from them(she doesn't tell us when or where the games are unless she needs him to take them for some reason)
Refusing to give the school his contact information so he's also excluded from any school activities and isn't notified if something occurs with the kids at the school

In addition to all these things, she teaches them absolutely no morals of any type; they act completely different with her than they do with us because they know she won't discipline them. She actually tried to demand that we stop taking them to our non-denominational church because she claimed that she wanted them to be Catholic, although she never attends church, with or without them - not even on holidays.

I'm wondering about the possibility of having the placement changed. Are the situations I've mentioned enough to validate a change? We don't want to file for a placement change, have it denied and then have to live with her making our lives a living hell just because she's not a fit parent and it got called into question.

shygrneyzs

If you can verify all that you said, then it is worth pursuing. A member of the Help Desk posted some links about proving an unfit parent. Perhaps you should read through those and hopefully it will help you and your husband pursue this legally.
http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/family-...ent-46931.html

excon

Hello this:

I dunno about your priorites. You want to know if you'll win before you even try. It doesn't work that way.

If MY kids were being mistreated, I'd file for custody PERIOD. It wouldn't matter whether some people on the internet thought I should or not.

Would I care what SHE thought about it??????? NOOOOOOO!!!

excon

this8384

We've been bitten in the backside more than once by the court system. That's why I asked about what others thought the odds were of us winning the case.

You obviously don't understand the level of vindictiveness that this woman possesses. Before she even filed for divorce, she'd lock him out of the house and wouldn't let him talk to the kids. I never asked, "Hey guys, think it'd be neat if I got custody of my stepkids? Could I join the Cool Club then?" I asked because if we do file and then lose, the only thing we've accomplished is pissing her off.

macksmom

Your best bet would be to speak to an attorney and see what THEY think. Many attorneys offer free consultations. They will be able to give you better advice, as far as weather you have a strong case, than we would.

Good luck.

macksmom

Just thought of something else...

If the attorney is unsure to how strong of a case this may be....a secondary option could be to get 50/50 custody....or increase visitation.

asking

Sounds like everybody is having a hard time. One thing I would consider is the possibility that you are not getting the whole story and that you are being played off against the ex wife. I suggest you make an effort to get to know her better on your own and see if it's possible to work through cooperation. (Maybe it's not, but you won't know if you don't try.)

Don't work through your husband or involve him this in any way. Invite her out for coffee, agree not to talk about your husband or her boyfriend, just talk about what's best for the kids and other interests you share in common. Don't accuse her of things or give her advice unless she asks for it. Treat her with respect. You sound very angry and I'm sure you feel justified. But what's best for the kids is to forge a relationship with her and if you can do that, you would be doing the best thing for her kids and ultimately your own kids too. I know this must sound totally crazy right now. But just think about it.
Hope this is at least food for thought.

You are right to hesitate about a court battle. It's a terrible thing to put everyone through. If you instead befriend her, she might grow to trust you and welcome help with the kids.
Good luck!
Asking

this8384

Macksmom: They already have joint custody; she has primary placement. She still doesn't follow court order and tell him when and what's going on with the kids. She thinks all she needs to talk to him about is his visitation weekends. And if we try to increase visitation, I can guarantee you the words out of her mouth will be, "You're just trying to not pay me as much for child support."

Asking: I appreciate what you're saying because I know far too well that this is often the case. The difference is that I've actually heard her say these things to him. I've heard the voicemails and both sides of the phone conversations; I've seen the paperwork she filed with the court that she just lies through her teeth about what's actually going on.

It's so hard because she gets completely nutty. One weekend she'll be all friendly and the next she's swearing at him again and blaming him for things that are her own fault(she actually had the nerve to say it was his fault she has the disorderly conduct on her record). That's why we're so hesistant to even file in the first place because like I said, if we lose, there's going to be all sorts of hell to pay. On the other hand, if they stay with her, I can all but guarantee you we're talking about 2 beautiful children who are going to end up teen parents because their mother just doesn't care enough. We're completely caught between a rock and a hard place right now...

excon

Hello again, this:

NO, YOU ARE NOT!!!! IF you are, it's a place of your OWN choosing.

IF what you say is true, then IMHO, you DON'T have a choice. You MUST do EVERYTHING YOU CAN DO to save them. That means you MUST sue!!!

I understand that you want to know the outcome before you spend the money. Ok, it doesn't work that way. EVEN if we told you that you have a very strong case, there's another lawyer out there telling HER that she has a very strong case. BOTH of them are telling the truth, and NEITHER of them knows the outcome.

In our courts, there are no guarantees. The only guarantee here is the one you outlined above - and that only happens if you DON'T file.

Can you imagine how you'll feel, if you DON'T act, and they turn out to be exactly like you think they will???? You'll always wonder if you could have saved them, but you were afraid.......

excon

this8384

No, it's not a place of our choosing. Family court is an absolute joke. Here's a few personal examples:

My parents got divorced. My father asked for a guardian ad litem and informed the court that my sisters and I(ages 17,16 and 14 at the time) didn't want contact with our mother because she was bi-polar, manic depressive and menopausal and refused treatment of any kind; she had also been both verbally and physically abusive to us before she left. The judge wouldn't allow us to come to court and testify, denied my dad's request and ordered visitation for my mom after being informed of her mental state.
I have a close friend who was granted placement of her 2 kids in her divorce. Her ex is a total deadbeat: he makes over $100,000 in a year but never pays his child support, he doesn't see the kids, doesn't call on their birthdays, etc. The judge in her case ordered that he can claim both kids as a dependency exemption even though he hasn't seen or talked to them in over 7 years.

I understand very well that we're not going to know the outcome prior to filing. And it's not about the money; it's about the fact that we're afraid to stir the pot only to get slapped in the face by this wretched machine that most people refer to as "family court."