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maybll · Feb 20, 2009, 05:33 PM

I've been married for 10yrs now, I've always known in not in love with my husband but he is a good person, we have built a good life together with our 3 kids, but I still have a thing for my ex whom I had a decade's relationship with before meeting my husband, I think about him all d time & we keep in touch mainly on phone. I've never had the chemistry/passion I had with him with my husband.

What do I do? Am I just being stupid & unreasonable? Is there anyway to turn it off & give my all 2 my family?

neverme · Feb 20, 2009, 07:52 PM

Stop it. You are being selfish.

You don't deserve a good husband if your going to treat him like this.

What would your kids think if they ever found out?

If you continue down this road I guarantee you will regret it.

Messed_UP · Feb 20, 2009, 09:01 PM

You have a thing for this guy because you are still in the "romance" mode with him. You have not had the trials, tribulations and as you say a "good life" with this other man. Talking on the phone is not enough to know what it feels like to live day in/day out. You probably take out your romantic fantasies with your ex while you are the mother and wife at home.

Turn it around. Become romantic with your husband. He probably knows deep down that you are not altogether his. Make yourself altogether his and save yourself a pile of hurt. I speak from a lot of experience, so believe me when I say time will heal wounds, but you need to give yourself completely to yourself, then your hubby and kids but not at all to this other guy... he is a concept in your mind who has never had to have that relationship crystallized into one that you have with your husband. A mature and loyal love can be just as heady... go forth and become one of those few couples who still hold hands when their hair is all gray and their faces all wrinkled... that is being in love. All the best.

liz28 · Feb 20, 2009, 10:39 PM

If you was never in love with your husband than why did you married him? Was it because you knew you would've a good life with him so that was your only reason to marry him and be stuck in a loveless marriage? This is unfair to your husband.

Meanwhile your in contact with your ex, who you never got over, and now not only do you have a marriage with children. Where are your priorities because at the moment their screwed up.

Are you acting stupid, yes. You're an adult and should know right from wrong but this is what happens when you started wrong in the first by entering a relationship with someone while your not over your past and getting married to someone that you didn't love but only married him because he is a good man. Give me a break.

Go clear your head and get a grip on things and take the time to sort out what your going do about your marriage because I feel sorry for him.

Aliena · Feb 21, 2009, 03:08 AM

I think you know how it is being in love.. if your husband treat you well and give you your needs and wants means that he loves you.you have to think how he'll react after knowing this bitter fact.the one he loves.the one he care for,is still having an affair with his ex! it's not the right thing to do.

If you really want to have a good life,try to end your relation with your ex and move on with your husband.by caring for him,you'll be more closer.give him a place in your heart because your 'poor' husband do not deserve to be treated this way.you can't continue like this,I hope that it will not be the innocent one to pay for your silly mistake. You'll definitely regret if you continue like this.

Its just an advice,now it depends on you.you are enough mature to differentiate between right and wrong deeds!

maybll · Feb 21, 2009, 05:42 AM

Thanks every one for the straight talk, believe me I know all these & I've tried several times to just put him out of my mind & face my husband squarely, but it has not been easy, I keep going back because I'm happier & even relate better with my hubby when I'm in contact with my ex.

I know I sound selfish & unreasonable but I can't seem to be able to help myself. It's worse because my husband (not taking anything away from him) is not a romantic or passionate person, we are more of friendly companions to each other than anything else.

While I know all these are not excuses enough for what is happening, I still can't seem to be in control of my emotions.

As for figuring out what I'm going to do with my marriage, 1 thing is certain, I'm never going to leave my husband, mainly because of our kids.

talaniman · Feb 21, 2009, 06:09 AM

Are you saying there has been no sex only talking, with the ex?

liz28 · Feb 21, 2009, 06:16 AM

Yes, I think so Tal.

But wait but are you going do about having love for your husband?

Aliena · Feb 21, 2009, 07:08 AM

You will never leave your husband,but what if your husband know about the fact and leave you even if you don't want to.you will be the loser!you will lose everything even your 'close' friend.

Since you have accepted to married,you have to finish your relation with your ex.you have to be more responsible.

You have to do sacrifice now,caring more about your family.how will your children react when they will know that their mother do not love their father and therefore spends her time with someone else.won't they be affected? do you care about your children? if you do,for their sake,leave your ex.am sure it will be difficult but you will be able to do it and enjoy a happy life after.refer to God whenever you feel alone,try to forget about your ex.you have to create your future,and therefore be more responsible.live with your present.

What you are doing is absolutely wrong..
Hope that you will take the advice into consideration.
Take care

maybll · Feb 21, 2009, 09:27 AM

No, there has been no sex.

talaniman · Feb 21, 2009, 10:09 AM

Then he is only a friend, and there is nothing to hide from your husband, is there? Is there something else you need to reveal? Having trouble at home maybe?

N0help4u · Feb 21, 2009, 11:25 AM

Sounds like you are romanticizing what you HAD with the other guy but you need to concentrate and work more on what you HAVE with your husband,
You have been through a lot with him and raising your kids. Love isn't always about the chemistry and feelings some people have to build on what they do have. Love is a commitment above all and you have that with your husband.
How would you feel if you left your husband only to find that things weren't all that great with this guy? You really don't know how things would be with him after all these years. You need to wean away from this guy and work on your relationship with your hubby. It is not cheating but you need to put the efforts into what you DO have.

maybll · Feb 21, 2009, 11:57 AM

I am disappointed in myself for all my thoughts, confusion & all that is happening concerning this issue because I'm usually a strong & trustworthy person who always is in control of her life & emotions.
Many people will be disappointed & hurt about this if it ever gets out(hope it never comes to that), it will seem so unbelievable because of the type of person they know me to be.
I especially will hate myself if my husband & kids know anything about this, because I don't ever want them to get hurt, I do like my husband a lot & love him only in a different way.
I'v really tried to turn my emotions around & focus it more on my husband, but it isn't easy.
There is nothing to hide really but my feelings of guilt & the fact that my husband will never understand my resuming communications with someone I had that much much history with.
Problems at home? not really, except for liltle or non existence of affections. my husband isn't really good at displaying affections or emotions.
I've never been able to talk about this with anyone, so this forum is really helpful & a reality check thanks to some of the very blunt comments. I do want to stop this & I'm hoping for very practical advice, anyone?

heartbroke · Feb 21, 2009, 12:03 PM

Why not try to plan something to stir emotions up? Like a romantic dinner and massaging? Make him feel wanted I'm sure in turn he will return the favor. It's a great feeling when a person is being desired.

maybll · Feb 21, 2009, 12:19 PM

I have done all that & beyond, believe me, I have tried several methods, sometimes he is into it at the moment, but it's also frustrating to be the only one trying to spice things up & being the romantic one, sometimes it feels good not to be the one initiating all the romance & it will be nice to feel desirable, but he is comfortable with the way things are.

heartbroke · Feb 21, 2009, 12:57 PM

Maybe you need to search for the answer of why you got involved with him in the first place. Find that spark. Sit down with him over some glasses of wine and tell each other, "Look where we are, we are married and have children. How did that start?" Get and give answers as to what attracted you to each other in the first place. It might bring out the emotions he had for you when you first met.

maybll · Feb 21, 2009, 01:38 PM

Maybe I'm afraid there will be no sparks to find & it will be so sad & final if we can't get the passion we or I need.

heartbroke · Feb 21, 2009, 01:46 PM

Its either that, or be stuck with someone who is an emotional stone and deal with it. But if you do stick with it, your just going to miserable and develop feelings of neglect down the road anyway.

NItEMArE129 · Feb 21, 2009, 02:24 PM

Until you stop communicating with your ex, anything u do to try and make it work with your husband will fail. If you don't want to be with your husband, come clean. If you want to try, then stop communication with your ex. It's not easy, but it is pretty simple. Stay with somebody who your not attracted to or go with somebody that you are attracted to. Both of them carry a huge sacrifice, but you can't have both.

maybll · Feb 21, 2009, 03:07 PM

My topmost priority is keeping my kids happy & with a father who loves them & I'm willing to do anything to keep us together as a happy family, so I guess the right thing to do is to stop communicating with my ex.

But how do I do this? How will I deal with the sadness that will come with it because talking to him makes me really happy. What will I do to fill the void? Don't say I should fill it with my kids, because though they make me happy & make my life worthwhile, this is a different kind of void that even my love for them cannot fill.

This isn't going to be easy.