This could be long, so I apologize in advance.

I need to know what kinds of rights and other things I have to stand on. What kinds of costs am I looking at (ballpark figure) for the future? What things do I need to keep in mind now, and when pursuing things in the future? What other kinds of questions do I need to ask when I do get a chance to speak with a lawyer? What actions can I take now, if any? What are things I need to think about for the opposing side?

I have a daughter who will be 3 in February. Her bio father has not seen her in almost a year. From finding out I was pregnant, he wasn't there. He saw her a handful of times the first year and a half of her life. Then he moved to FL about a year ago. She has never really known him. You show her pictures of him and she tells you it's a boy. The only daddy she has ever known is my fiance.

Her bio father has never called to even ask about her. He is not on the birth certificate. She has my last name. He does pay child support-but it doesn't pay for even 1/4 of her care. My fiance has taken full responsibility for her in EVERY aspect-emotional, financial, you name it. She is his little girl. We are getting married in less than 2 years and he want to legally make her his, as do I. This is where all my questions come in.

I know the biggest reason the bio father is going to fight me is b/c of his mom. As far as I know, neither one of them has the money to fight with in court. She is the one behind him telling him don't do this, don't do that. The last thing I want to do is go to court. He (bio father) now has another child with someone else in another state. This all started in IL, he moved to FL, my fiance and I moved to MO, and bio father's mom still resides in IL. I also recently learned that she is *thinking* of pursuing grandparent laws. What all does this mean? What kinds of grandparent laws does she have? (she being in IL, us being in MO)

We (fiance and I) want to change daughter's last name to fiances (mine will change when we marry). We want him to legally adopt her and get bio father and family out of the picture-they are no good for daughter.

I hope that was all as clear as mud Please help me to gain some insight to my questions. Feel free to ask anything that you need more info on. I do plan to consult a lawyer eventually (sooner than later hopefully) but fiance and I are both full time students and work so we don't have a lot of extra time on our hands.

justcurious55

as long as you realize you're going to need a lawyer and this isn't a simple speedy process, i think that's fine if you wait another month or so to see one.

it sounds like you're prepared for if your daughter wants anything to do with her bio dad. is your fiance? if the adoption goes through, but she still wants to have a father daughter relationship with her bio dad in a few years, will he be ok with that too?

me22487

I don't know that I'm fully prepared for the day if/when she wants to know her bio dad, but I've still got some time. I put myself in her shoes and that's how I think about everything. If I were her, what would I want to know/do? That's how I have gone about thinking through things.

My fiance on the other hand, I don't know how ok he will be with things. I really can't answer for him, but I think he wouldn't like it and he will probably have a different approach than I on things. I think as we grow as a couple, and as a family, we will all grow and develop and learn as we go. He is going into the field of counseling psychology so I think with more experience in his field he will grow and understand this situation more and more and be ok with her wanting to see/have a relationship with her bio dad. He probably won't like it, but he will be ok with it.

None of us are really prepared for anything, but we sure are trying hard and I know with time and growth we will know how to get through things.

justcurious55

uh, doesn't that seem like something you should be discussing with him now? before you even attempt an adoption. i'm getting the impression you haven't.

JudyKayTee

Agree with "Justcurious" - you are this far into the process and don't know his true feelings?

I see a problem here -

me22487

It's not that we haven't discussed things-we most certainly have. I just am not sure on how he will handle things in the future-if daughter wants to pursue her biological father. No one can judge how someone will handle something that far into the future.

I do know where he stands and his feelings on the subject NOW. He is NOT crazy about her seeking out her biological family, but remember she is still a tot right now. I was simply saying that as she gets older and we grow together as a family and as she begins asking questions and understanding the situation, I don't know exactly how he will respond to her wanting to know her biological family.

justcurious55

but if you're discussing this with him, you should have some idea. and i'm getting the impression that you don't. this is something you two need to be in agreement over. it's not something as simple as what to have for dinner or if she should be allowed one scoop or two scoops of ice cream for dessert. this is something that if both of you do not handle right could really screw up her relationships with all three of you. it's really not a, "let's wait and see what happens" situation. this is a "we'd better have a plan for everything" situation. so you need to remember that kids grow fast. she may be a tot now but she could start asking questions before you know it.

me22487

I should have some idea? I do
Are we in agreement? Yes
I never said that this was a simple situation, I know this is something very complex and that's why I asked questions here. We both know this is a touchy subject and situation and we are as prepared as we can be at this point. I came here looking for some help to point me in the right direction for the time being knowing my best source for answers is an attorney. Right now, with some aspects of this current situation, all we can do is wait and see and talk to an attorney.

Fr_Chuck

Almost all adopted children seem to have a need to find "who they really are" or claim they are missing a part of thier life sometime as a teen.

Others feel they have some right to know.

so expect her to want to search and find him, that is something that I would say is nearly sure to happen

I will address a very very serious mistake you are making, from day one, she should know that this other man is not her bio dad, you can even make him more special, by letting her know he did not have to choose her but he choose to be with you and her as a choice. This starts as early as 2 years old. If done properly the hatred of you hiding something or some family member already saying something does not happen. If you wait for that "right" time, it will never come till it is far to late

Fr_Chuck

Next at least in GA, as long as he is paying child support that is considered contact even if he never actually looks at her in person. Also in GA, you can not take away a fathers fight because he does not pay child support or because he does not visit.

So the only way the bio father is gong to loose his rights and allow any adoption is if the bio father signs those rights away. And he may since he gets to stop paying child support

Also at leats in GA, he can at anytime since he has been proven the father, file in court for visits and it would be awarded, it may be supervised or the child required to have couseling first. So this is something that could always happen at this point

me22487

I never said that this was something we were trying to hide from her-even at this age. All she knows is that my fiance is Daddy, and he always has been to her. It is difficult for a 2 or 3 year old to grasp the concept of Daddy vs. Biological Father. I will not ever hide this from her and when she is old enough to begin understanding the situation, I will not hesitate to tell her and explain to her. Right now, even at almost 3 years old, she doesn't get it. I don't know many kids her age that would. Her biggest worry at this age is what fun things do mommy and daddy have planned and am I going to get any candy after dinner.

I know IL laws, but since we're living in MO now, I am not in the loop with how everything works here. I assume it would be the same as you are saying. This is something I have kept in mind and again something I need to take to an attorney. We are hoping that the incentive of him not having to pay for 2 children and only one instead that he will sign away. He does also know that all he has to do is take this to court and file for visitation rights, but he hasn't. All he cares about is he gets what he wants and all that is is for him to have his name on her birth certificate, for her to have his last name and for me to be unhappy and "not get what I want". That's all he wants and cares about. And you may ask how do I know this? He told me, that's how I know.