This could be long, so I apologize in advance.

I need to know what kinds of rights and other things I have to stand on. What kinds of costs am I looking at (ballpark figure) for the future? What things do I need to keep in mind now, and when pursuing things in the future? What other kinds of questions do I need to ask when I do get a chance to speak with a lawyer? What actions can I take now, if any? What are things I need to think about for the opposing side?

I have a daughter who will be 3 in February. Her bio father has not seen her in almost a year. From finding out I was pregnant, he wasn't there. He saw her a handful of times the first year and a half of her life. Then he moved to FL about a year ago. She has never really known him. You show her pictures of him and she tells you it's a boy. The only daddy she has ever known is my fiance.

Her bio father has never called to even ask about her. He is not on the birth certificate. She has my last name. He does pay child support-but it doesn't pay for even 1/4 of her care. My fiance has taken full responsibility for her in EVERY aspect-emotional, financial, you name it. She is his little girl. We are getting married in less than 2 years and he want to legally make her his, as do I. This is where all my questions come in.

I know the biggest reason the bio father is going to fight me is b/c of his mom. As far as I know, neither one of them has the money to fight with in court. She is the one behind him telling him don't do this, don't do that. The last thing I want to do is go to court. He (bio father) now has another child with someone else in another state. This all started in IL, he moved to FL, my fiance and I moved to MO, and bio father's mom still resides in IL. I also recently learned that she is *thinking* of pursuing grandparent laws. What all does this mean? What kinds of grandparent laws does she have? (she being in IL, us being in MO)

We (fiance and I) want to change daughter's last name to fiances (mine will change when we marry). We want him to legally adopt her and get bio father and family out of the picture-they are no good for daughter.

I hope that was all as clear as mud Please help me to gain some insight to my questions. Feel free to ask anything that you need more info on. I do plan to consult a lawyer eventually (sooner than later hopefully) but fiance and I are both full time students and work so we don't have a lot of extra time on our hands.

me22487

Sorry. I'm new. I don't have the time to figure out all the quoting. My apologies.

There was no judge that ordered he be put on the birth certificate. He is not on the birth certificate. I refused at birth to name him as the father on the birth certificate. No one ever ordered to alter the birth certificate and add his name. And before you tell me to check and see if they have-nope. I just got copies of her birth certificate last month and it is still only my name. The only way he can get his name on there is if he takes it to court-that I know.

ScottGem

Just be aware that if he goes to court, its likely a judge WILL order the birth certificate changed.

Synnen

Out of curiosity---why are you cheating your child out of knowing her biological history? Why is it so hard to make sure she knows her biological ancestry?

You are not punishing ANYONE but your child by not having her biological father on her original birth certificate.

I also truly hope that you intend to be honest with her about her background. Children that find out even at 5 or 6 that they are adopted (even a stepparent adoption) have more issues with trust and honesty than adopted children who know from the get-go that they are adopted. Essentially--if you LIE to her about who her biological father is, regardless how well the father who is raising her does, she will see that lying is okay, and she'll have problems trusting you about ANY other important part of her life.

JudyKayTee

Did you read that paternity HAS been established by DNA and child support HAS been ordered?

I don't know what "do not take this situation for granted" means under these circumstances. It would appear this matter HAS been in Court already.

me22487

I am not cheating her out of anything. She will ALWAYS know the truth, in an age appropriate manner. She WILL know her biological ancestry, again in an age appropriate manner. The birth certificate is a piece of paper, yes a legal paper, but still a paper nonetheless.

I chose not to put his name on there after the things he said and did during my pregnancy. He did not deserve it and since he wanted a paternity test I could not put him on any legal document naming him as the father. After establishing paternity, it was never put on the birth certificate. He only calls or texts me whining and b*tching telling me what I will and will not do-once ever 4-6 months or so. It took him 2 weeks to come see her after she was first born. Then over the next 18 months of her life, he only saw her about a dozen times. She doesn't know who he is and that has been his OWN CHOICE! He is the one that didn't see her, after my repeated tries. I called him ALL THE TIME to see her and spend time with her-his most common response? I can't, I've got other things I have to do.

If he was a much more willing father, we wouldn't be in this situation. He was never active in her life and never even tried to work with me. He just wants everything handed to him and I won't do it. He lives 1,500 miles away from me with his girlfriend and their new baby. His hands are full. Daughter has not seen him since Christmas 2008 and I have not heard from him since July. He has never once called and asked how she was doing-never. Only calls to throw a fit at me b/c I won't change her last name. That's all I ever hear from him about.

So, now you tell me, am I really cheating her? Is this really someone that should be influencing a little girl? She will know about him and I will allow her to make her own decisions about him. If she choses to seek him out later in life, that's her choice, not one I am making for her. I will also not deny her having a little brother. She will know about her biological side of things. My fiance has his Bacelor's in Psychology and is currently working on his Masters-we both are fully aware of the psychological aspect of things in this situation. We have discussed them in depth many times. We will always answer any question she ever has, without bias.

JudyKayTee

Here's my problem - do you think you can discuss her biological father with your child without allowing your bitterness to influence your tone and words?

Was the father a problem when you were having sex with him or did that come later, after you found out you were pregnant?

me22487

Yes, I can and will discuss her biological father without the problems I have with him, my bitterness, my aggravation, etc coming out. I can, I have before, and I will. I will always allow her to make her own decisions about him-without MY personal feelings being forced onto her.

The problems came later-after finding out about the pregnancy.

justcurious55

i just have to ask, if you will always allow her to make her own decisions, then what happens if this adoption does go through, but later she decides she wants to have a relationship with her bio dad and he's willing to see her?

stinawords

The problem still remains the same. You are jumping the gun. You first have to be married before even filling for adoption, you also are required to have an attorney so go out and find one. He/she will tell you all of your local laws and your best route at having a successful adoption.

me22487

Then that will be her decision. I will give her all the information about everything surrounding her-the pregnancy, her birth, the adoption (if it goes through, of course), her early years, her biological family, etc. Anything and everything she wants to know. If she asks my opinions then she will get them, if she doesn't ask then she won't get them. I can only hope that she will take the information I have given her and make a well educated decision. If she chooses to seek him out, I hope he has either changed by then or that she sees him for who he really is.

And to stinawords (since I do not know how to quote correctly) I do not feel I am jumping the gun. I am trying to go into all of this PREPARED. I KNOW I need to seek out the advice and consult of an attorney/lawyer but like I have stated I am a very busy full time parent, college student and employee. That is why I came here asking for a little info. I have a few minutes here and there throughout the day, but it is very difficult for me to find time for appointments. I am not trying to do anything as far as the adoption any time soon, I know we need to be married for that to happen. I am not contesting that. I am merely trying to gather information to get things together and lined up for myself and family.

I plan on making an appointment with a lawyer, but I won't have any open time until mid to late December. Until then, I will continue to try to gather information on my own.