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ecredle77 · Nov 11, 2008, 12:35 PM

I am a father with primary physical custody and joint legal custody of twin 16 year old daughters. My ex-wife is moving out of state and they want to go with her. I told my daughters that I would not fight it if that is what they want to do. Here is the question. Can their mom go and withdraw them from school? I don't have a problem with them going, but I don't want anything showing that I had a part in them going, such as withdrawing them from school. I want to tell them that if your mom wants to take you with her out of state, then she is going to have to work it out to withdraw you from school. Is that the proper thing to do?

Justwantfair · Nov 11, 2008, 12:45 PM

What are your concerns with being involved in withdrawing them from school. You have primary physical custody with joint legal, it may not be an issue for her to withdrawl them but you are making it a unilateral decision on her part, instead of showing you support your daughters wishes. I would be concerned as the mother you were setting me up for when things went wrong and you decided to pull the plug on the idea.

Fr_Chuck · Nov 11, 2008, 12:54 PM

So you want to have "evidence" against the mom to use against her in court, is that what you are saying.

First you have legal physcial custody, and I would expect that the mom is paying child support, she will still have to continue to pay child support unless she goes back to court to change physcial custody.

But joint legal custody allows her a right to have a say in the issues of the child.

I would say while most likely she can withdraw them from school, you are still a party since you don't call the police the first night they are not home, *** would not look good in court, well sir why did you not call the police when they did not come home ?

Stop paying the silly fight with the ex using the children,
If you are letting them go, then they have your permission and you are already part of it.

To be honest in weeks this is the silliest post I have read.

ecredle77 · Nov 11, 2008, 01:00 PM

I want my daughters to be happy, and if they want to be with their mom, I don't have a problem with that. Any judge is going to let them live with the parent they choose as long as neither parent is deemed unfit, and in the original custody order, we were both deemed fit.

I know their mom can take care of them, I am not doubting that. I just want to find out if she can legally withdraw them from school, or is it something I am going to have to do as the custodial parent.

By the way, I thought I could get help out here but certainly didn't plan on being insulted. This insult is coming from somebody whose subtitle is "Christianity Expert"? You need to re-examine your name.

Mom of 2 · Nov 11, 2008, 01:02 PM

This should be a joint decision. I have to agree to the prior posts that it sounds like you have ulterior motives in your decision to "not be involved" so that you can use it to your advantage in court against the mother. This is also a manipulative tactic towards your children. On one side, you say that you don't want to stand in the way of your daughters' wishes ("See kids, I am a good guy/dad. I'm giving you what you want"), but on the other side you don't support your daughters' wishes because you are not assisting with the withdrawl from school or wanting to put your "fingerprints on it".

ScottGem · Nov 11, 2008, 01:06 PM

Really, only the school can answer this. Theorectically, since she has joint legal custody, she can withdraw them. But the school may require the legal custodial parent do so.

I don't completely agree with Chuck here, but I do agree the question seems silly.

What SHOULD happen is mom goes to court and files for a change of the custody and support arrangement. You appear at this hearing and state that you agree to the change because its what your daughter's want. Mom then moves. But for you to allow the daughters to move or for Mom to take them WITHOUT first getting the court to change the standing order doesn't make a lot of sense.

ecredle77 · Nov 11, 2008, 01:08 PM

I don't have ulterior motives. I will do what I need to do where my children are concerned. I am going to support them financially, so that doesn't enter into the picture. I just don't know what to do. This all just happened in the last week. If nobody wants to give any advice, that's OK.

ScottGem · Nov 11, 2008, 01:13 PM

Umm we have been giving you advice. You may not like the advice, but that doesn't mean you aren't getting good advice.

One of the things that often happens in these cases is the question may be a little oddball and causes us to read between the lines. And, unless we have the full story, we may not give the best advice.

Some of us, apparently, see no value in your keeping your hands out of removing them from school. So we have to wonder what's behind that. Maybe, if you explain we will understand and be able to advise you further.

But the bottomline here is that Mom needs to go to court to get the custody/support agreement changed BEFORE she moves the kids.

ecredle77 · Nov 11, 2008, 01:22 PM

Thanks Scott. The real issue is that I owe some marching band fees on the girls that I can't afford. If she can withdraw them without having to pay those fees, then all is good. If I am going to have to pay them before their records are released, then they won't be able to go. I know that would make my daughters sad, because they really feel like they need to be with their mom. This might or might not make sense to anybody, but that is the best I can do to explain the situation. It doesn't mean that I don't want my daughters to live with me, because I do. But I am not going to fight to keep them with me if they would rather be with their mom. I don't want to do anything to stand in their way. I agree, their mom should re-address the custody agreement in court before she leaves, but she is not doing that. I just don't know what to do.

Mom of 2 · Nov 11, 2008, 01:25 PM

What does the divorce decree state about where the kids are to reside? Are there any stipulations that they are to reside in a specific state?

I agree with ScottGem that you need to go to court and get this all resolved. Sorry if I insulted you in any way, but I could not help but feel that you were leaving something out of the story. You should be commended in wanting to do what is right regarding your daughters. However, why does the mom and your daughters want to change the status quo? Did they initially want to live with you, but then changed their minds? If there are no ulterior motives, then you should not have any personal problems with doing all that you can do to assist your daughters in making their transition as easy as possible. Even if you are not required to do so, then go to the school and with draw your daughters and go to court to let the judge know that you are okay with this. I am just wondering what the real problem is. Are you truly okay with this?

ScottGem · Nov 11, 2008, 01:27 PM

So you DID have an ulterior motive! But at least its better than the one we imagined ;)

You need to tell mom that she HAS to do this legally. Tell here you will be happy to go to court with her and tell the judge you are willing to go along. But if she doesn't do this right, she may not be able to get the kids out of school.

Justwantfair · Nov 11, 2008, 01:29 PM

Your explanation makes the whole situation a lot more clear for why you didn't want to withdrawl them yourself. They should not legally be able to withhold any documentation i.e. transcripts whether monies are owed for the children or not, they are different issues and depending on the state the school won't have the legal ground to withhold/stop the transfer.

Justwantfair · Nov 11, 2008, 01:31 PM

File a petition to modify custody, there are usually filing fees, aaproximately $30 in Illinois, but if it is uncontested there isn't a need for lawyers and either party can file for the modification.

ecredle77 · Nov 11, 2008, 01:38 PM

When we separated, they wanted to live with me, because their mom was having an affair with a man they didn't like and she was neglecting them in the process. Well 4 months after our divorce was final she married the man. A couple of months ago they got into an argument and he hit her. She left him and realizes she can't afford to live here on her own. She is moving back to the state where all her family resides. The original custody order doesn't address anything relating to the custodial parent and whether they can relocate.

The bottom line is that I would have a real hard time paying any legal fees associated with going back to court. Secondly, in the first custody battle, her attorney was asking for way more child support than was necessary, and I couldn't have paid it anyway. I want to support my children, but not pay for her to live in the process while she has a part time job making barely above minimum wage.

Justwantfair · Nov 11, 2008, 01:42 PM

There shouldn't be a need for attorney's, both parties are in agreement.

ScottGem · Nov 11, 2008, 01:44 PM

As was said, if this is an uncontested change, then any cost should be minimal. And she should pay anyway.

ecredle77 · Nov 11, 2008, 03:12 PM

I really appreciate all of the advice, and I feel like going the uncontested route will be the best way. The only problem is my ex will not talk to me at all. She didn't say a single word to me the last year and a half before we separated. I tried to call her on several occasions during the original custody process and she would never answer the phone or reply to my voice mail. I'll just have to see if I can get through to her on this.

Justwantfair · Nov 11, 2008, 03:16 PM

Get an email address. Communication for strained parties is easiest through written communication. You are doing something in her favor, she will probably be receptive. It probably hurt her to lose her daughters in the first place and she was probably hurt and it is highly recommendable to avoid communication if you are hurt.

cadillac59 · Nov 11, 2008, 03:37 PM

You asked if the mom can withdraw the kids from school (presumably unilaterally) as part of moving with them out of state with your permission? Is that it? The answer is easy: of course.

Now, if you stipulate to the move-away it is sort of implied that you consented to the removal of the kids from school (after all, if they are leaving the state they are going to have to change schools) but I think you could make it appear to the school that it was more you ex-wife's doings than yours. If anyone at the school asked just tell the truth: mom decided to move away, the kids wanted to go, you would have preferred the kids stay with you, but you did not have the desire to fight it by launching an expensive legal battle which you would probably lose because the girls wanted to move anyway and are at an age where the court will give considerable weight to their wishes (age 16).

ScottGem · Nov 11, 2008, 04:02 PM

If the mom won't talk to you, then talk to your kids. They are old enough to understand. Tell them you don't want to stand in the way, but that this has to be done legally or it could cause problems later.