The 'D' word is now in progress.

Yes, ma'am, you've heard it here first.

I filed today.

I also made a notice of the court to change my name back to my surname PRIOR to the divorce decree being signed and ordered.

Therefore, within the next two weeks, the court will approve and my name will return to Jamieson.

I am so excited, but sad.

I am excited to not have to be strung on Joe's name when he may be in jail for more than 5 years, and quite possibly drive me insane in the meantime because of the loneliness. Considering that there is a big possibility Joe will not change, well, it scares me to put my life in 'waiting' only to find out he won't change.

That's a big factor.

If only he could have kept his in his pants... from the beginning... if only he didn't hit me... if only he wasn't emotionally abusive... if only he hadn't destroyed my esteem, my car, my credit, etc... if only he had told me his true motives for getting married...

If only I wasn't so stupid as to getting married only 6 days before getting married.

We met on a Friday at midnight. Got married the following Wednesday at noon on March 23, 2006.

Try that on for size.

The separation date on the paperwork is July 6th, 2006.

I figure our trip to Ocean City, July 3-5 was the breaking of the camel's back, per se.

He left me stranded in Ocean City to see some girl who he decided to while we were down there. The only 'full day' we were there, the 4th, he left me while I was sleeping and was gone until the fireworks that night. He actually was headed towards the Bay Bridge and decided to turn around.

That's not fair to me. It's not fair for the kids for my focus to be entirely on my wellbeing when around Joe and for me to not spend all my time with them.

Afterall, I will always be a mommy before a wife.

The girls were here before and will inevitably be there afterwards.

On the otherhand, I am sad. I will always love him and he will always have a place in my heart. Afterall, he was my husband.. still is... til the divorce is final. I just can't hold on to something that, chances are, aren't fixable and I can't take the time to fix things until he is OUT.

Besides that, I talked to his sister for about an hour and a half the other day, and even SHE THINKS I should divorce him. She brought it up in conversation. She remembers the bruises, the emotional abuse, the physical fights, him stealing and taking off with the car, him cheating on me, him lying to me, etc, and SHE SAID he's not worth waiting around for. Surprising, huh?

Anyways, she told me that if we were really meant to be and if he TRULY loved me, he would divorce and then WORK on getting our relationship right again and then REMARRY once he gets out.

God knows, and EVERYBODY knows, SERIOUS changes take place between your 18th birthday and your 24th birthday. If he stays in there a minimum of five years, he'll be 24 when he gets out.

That is a LONG time.

Chances are, his feelings will change anyhow.

Idk. I just know that we both deserve to be happy. Obviously, I wasn't making him happy up until the point where we separated because he couldn't keep his in his pants. Obviously, I wasn't happy because I was constantly running after him, pulling apart his lies, and knowing he was cheating.

He's a good guy. He just needs to grow up.

Maybe it is me that will be his final girl but really, I can't risk five years of my life waiting to find out.

We deserve to be happy.