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Filly · Jun 11, 2009, 03:48 PM

My ex husband continually threatens to kill me, cut my head off, knock me out, etc, whenever my name in mentioned in conversation with our daughters. I cannot be in the same public place as he is for fear he will act on his threats. He was extremely verbally abusive, he beat me and burned our house down among other things during our marriage. My daughters constantly tell me how he is still threatening me with my life. I moved out of state to get away from him but recently moved close enough to visit my new grandchild. Now it is affecting my relationship with my daughters because I cannot accept his behavior and they feel they have to or else he may do something bad to me or them. He has beaten one of my daughters before and she is afraid of him.
Can I sue him?

justcurious55 · Jun 11, 2009, 03:58 PM

Are you sure suing him is really what you want to do? Even if you can, that's only going to further anger him and personally, I wouldn't want to aggravate someone who threatens to kill me and, did you say burned the house down? I'd be focusing my attention on "what can i do to keep me and my daughters safe and away from him?" do you have a restraining order against him yet? Did you or your daughter ever press charges when he beat you?

ScottGem · Jun 11, 2009, 04:49 PM

To successfully sue someone you need to prove material damage. For example, if you were forced to move, change your name etc because of the threats, you might have a case.

Why aren't you reporting him to the police?

Fr_Chuck · Jun 11, 2009, 05:53 PM

Was all of this reported to the police. Why is he not in jail?

jmjoseph · Jun 11, 2009, 06:00 PM

I agree with the two experts, terroristic threats are against the law and should be reported.
Be careful, may GOD keep and protect you.

stinawords · Jun 11, 2009, 08:07 PM

If you haven't yet reported any of this make sure the next time you do. Depending on how old some of the threats are it may be too late to report it now but anything new should be. You will most likely get the response of going to the prosecutors office after a couple reports are filed because the police can only do so much with out him violating a restraining order or something.

Filly · Jun 12, 2009, 07:37 AM

Originally Posted by justcurious55

are you sure suing him is really what you want to do? even if you can, that's only going to further anger him and personally, i wouldn't want to aggravate someone who threatens to kill me and, did you say burned the house down?! i'd be focusing my attention on "what can i do to keep me and my daughters safe and away from him?" do you have a restraining order against him yet? did you or your daughter ever press charges when he beat you?

Yes, I had him arrested but was too afraid to show up for court and the charges were dropped. That was 14 years ago. He abused our daughter two years ago and his mother and sister convinced my daughter not to say anything about it. They told her not to tell me because I "would make a big deal about it." I learned about it 8 months later, went to an attorney and found out that my daughter would have to be the one to press charges.
I also should clarify that these threats are not made to me directly; he always says these things to my daughters. But, they tell me about it and so I leave them alone so that they won't be worried.

Filly · Jun 12, 2009, 07:39 AM

Originally Posted by ScottGem

To successfully sue someone you need to prove material damage. For example, if you were forced to move, change your name etc because of the threats, you might have a case.

Why aren't you reporting him to the police?

I did call. He isn't making the threats to me directly. I will make a complaint against him each time I hear it from now on, so in case anything happens to me. That is what the deputy told me to do.

I moved to another state 1600 miles away to get away from him 12 years ago. Just recently moved to Texas, to be closer to my daughters who now have children.

Justwantfair · Jun 12, 2009, 07:41 AM

I think instead of suing, as that will only enflame the situation you need to focus on documenting everything and getting this man behind bars.

You should have protected your daughters (and yourself) from him along time ago.

Filly · Jun 12, 2009, 07:42 AM

Originally Posted by justcurious55

are you sure suing him is really what you want to do? even if you can, that's only going to further anger him and personally, i wouldn't want to aggravate someone who threatens to kill me and, did you say burned the house down?! i'd be focusing my attention on "what can i do to keep me and my daughters safe and away from him?" do you have a restraining order against him yet? did you or your daughter ever press charges when he beat you?

No restraining order. I just don't know what to do to make it stop, and to be honest with you I don't think I can stop it. My daughters are all grown and live on their own now. I moved us across the country (1600 miles away) 12 years ago to get away from him. Two of them now live in our hometown and have children. I moved to Texas to be closer so I can see them. I feel I can't go home for fear of his threats to hurt me.

Filly · Jun 12, 2009, 07:45 AM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Was all of this reported to the police. Why is he not in jail??

Good question. His family takes up for him by telling my daughters that "that is just the way he is" as if that is an appropriate response to his threats. Now my girls don't say anything or do anything to him. I reported him when he hit me. The house burning down... well I was too afraid to tell the authorities what I knew... and the insurance company could not find enough evidence to support a criminal act.

stinawords · Jun 12, 2009, 08:15 AM

Well then what are you trying to sue for? There are no material damages to sue for. Has he committed slander? If your daughters are all grown and living on their own their really isn't anything you can do as far as protecting them anymore because they are adults. If your daughters want to help you get a restraining order then they can record some of the things he says about harming you but if they don't want to do that you will have a severe lack of evidence against him. Basically, you will either need to act on the situation or choose not to be anywhere around him. That is the choice and no one but you can make that choice for you.

88sunflower · Jun 12, 2009, 08:21 AM

This is so scary sounding. You need to report everything when it happens. How insane of him to abuse your child and your familys says not to report it? God for bid what kind of family do you or him have?? This is not excusable at all. You need to stop him from threatening you. You moved away all those years ago and he is still controlling you with his words. Stop it before its to late. He doesn't sound stable and I wouldn't trust too much he is.

cdad · Jun 13, 2009, 07:28 AM

Originally Posted by Filly

No restraining order. I just don't know what to do to make it stop, and to be honest with you I don't think I can stop it. My daughters are all grown and live on their own now. I moved us across the country (1600 miles away) 12 years ago to get away from him. Two of them now live in our hometown and have children. I moved to Texas to be closer so I can see them. I feel I can't go home for fear of his threats to hurt me.

Ok, this isn't going to sound popular but Im going to say it anyway. You might want to consider another option. Instead of spending money on lawyers and trying to think of how to sue why not take a different route. Try empowering yourself. Take some self defense classes. Learn to handle yourself. Learn to shoot a gun and apply for a carry permit. Gain confidence in yourself and it will spread to your daughters. You will eliminate fear from your life. There is no reason for this to continue any further. Learn the art of self defense and take your life back. Keep yourself within the law and excersize your 2nd amendment rights.

excon · Jun 13, 2009, 08:10 AM

Originally Posted by Filly

I just don't know what to do to make it stop, and to be honest with you I don't think I can stop it.

Hello F:

I agree. Too little, too late. You had your chances... and they slipped by.

excon

Filly · Jun 13, 2009, 08:42 AM

Originally Posted by califdadof3

Ok, this isnt going to sound popular but Im going to say it anyway. You might want to consider another option. Instead of spending money on lawyers and trying to think of how to sue why not take a different route. Try empowering yourself. Take some self defense classes. Learn to handle yourself. Learn to shoot a gun and apply for a carry permit. Gain confidence in yourself and it will spread to your daughters. You will eliminate fear from your life. There is no reason for this to continue any further. Learn the art of self defense and take your life back. Keep yourself within the law and excersize your 2nd amendment rights.

I like this idea, empowering myself. I sought out counceling after submitting my question here. Dealing with this for years is exhausting and I am TIRED of it. Thank you all for your support and answers.

It's scary enough as it is, and I know there is really nothing I can do, except change my behavior. I have to stop allowing allof them, my daughters included, to abuse me with the threats and manipulations. They have to be the ones who stop him from talking to them that way. They tell me what he says, they say, because they don't want to see anything bad happen to me. A warning? He is abusing me still though them. My opinion is, If he scares them... they shouldn't go around him!

The idea of a taking him to court is just something I know would hit him where it hurts, his pocket! Money is his weapon to use with his kids. He provides things, for example their cell phone service, but if they don't do as he says, he cuts their phone off. But, I don't want to involve myself with him any more than is absolutely necessary.

His mother and sister told my daughter not to say anything about the beating, not mine. My family had no idea this happened until I told them eight months later.