My son is 17 - will be 18 in Sept 2008. He lived with me in MN until 4 years ago when he moved to CO to live with his dad. He didn't get along with my husband and was getting to the age where I felt he needed a male mentor. Son hasn't gotten along with dad for about 2 years now. Things have really gotten bad in the last 6-8 and son wants to come back and live with me and his 3 half younger brothers.

His dad is ultra conservative christian. Son has to "ask" if it is okay to eat things in the house. Son is forced to pray at meals even though he doesn't want to. Step-mom (wife #3) told my son "we need to get the devil out of you" because he stayed at a friends house without telling his dad and listens to rap music and occasionally swears. His dad has taken all the money he earned last year working and won't give him access to any of it. Dad has a daugther from wife #2 who lives in NV with her mom. Daughter is visiting this week and when the 3 of them (dad, stepmom, sister) came home from church this evening they told my son they were going out to dinner. My son asked if he could go and was told "NO" you didn't go to church so you can't come. He says my son needs to learn to "particpate" in the family if he wants to go to dinner.. . that he is never around, etc. I feel that he is at an age where HE needs to figure that stuff out for himself and that forcing it on him will just make him run the opposite way.

I need to get my son out of this situation. He called me tonight , crying saying he just can't handle it anymore. That when his dad came home after dinner his dad called him a "douche bag" for letting the dogs upstairs and continued to hound my son. He does this to try and make my son hit him.. . which my son has almost done several times. I could hear my son while I was on the phone with his dad tonight asking his dad to just leave him alone, let him be but dad continued to stay in his room and talk loudly to me saying it was his house. My son just kept saying "can you please just leave me alone?" His dad kept saying no and started taking things from him like he always does... his radio, TV, speakers, etc. Then the phone went dead so I called the police. They did call back and said everything had calmed down but that my son had told the police office he just wants to live with his mom and his dad won't let him, that he doesn't feel like he is wanted there. My son has punched holes in the wall because my ex (his dad) was taunting him about something and saying "mommy's boy...call your mommy, mommy's boy." When he started that time my son told him to stop saying that or he would punch a hole in the wall and he continued. His cad called the police on him when he did that and they didn't even care that his dad was taunting him. They didn't even listen to him.

My son has a 3.79 GPA but has been tardy a lot and has unexcused absences at school. I think it is because of the family situation at home. He is a good kid... he just doesn't fit their "moral standards."

Now that you have some background info... When my son is 18 can he just chose to live with me even though he has one more year of high school left? Can I make his dad pay that last year of child support? His dad told him that he has talked to an attorney and he can force him to stay since he is still in school, that his wishes live with me will not matter. Is there anything my son can do.. anyone he can go to that can help him NOW? I have talked to his counselors at school and they say there is nothing they can do. I need to get him out of there before something happens but I don't know how to do this fast. I was told by an attorney it could take 6-8 months or longerfor a court date. My son figured he could try and tough it out until he was 18 so I wouldn't have to spend the money on an attorney. Could my son just run away and come live with me? What would the courts do... how long would it take for them to come and get him? Would they even do that if he WANTS to live with me and is almost 18?

Hello sun:

In my view, you're on the cusp here. He's going to be damn near 18 before you get to court, and you need something to happen BEFORE then... Besides, there isn't an age where HE can choose. He can let his wishes be known, but he can't CHOOSE.

If it were me, I'd just have him come to my house. Even if they report him as a runaway, I doubt very seriously whether the cops would take him from you. As a matter of fact, I'd call them to let them know where he is.

Most cops don't want to get involved in stuff like this, and I think they'll just head on down to the doughnut shoppe and leave you alone.

excon

But won't I be in contempt of a legal document? It is hard because he is so far away. I feel so helpless. I mean... would the Colorado Court system enlist the Minnesota Police department to find, take him from me and put him on a plane back to Colorado? I think he might run away for real if that happened. Then he for sure wouldn't be safe. It is such a shame because he gets good grades and is basically a good kid. Just not the "Christian" robot they want him to be.

I wonder if I could go that angle. That I am opposed to the brainwashing church that they go to. I was never consulted about that even though we have joint legal custody. I am not opposed to church or God.. but this forcing issue is too cult like to me.

First, when he moved in with his father, did you go back to court to change the custody and support agreements, or was it just done between you? That is a key to the legalities here. If your ex has court ordered custody, then he can't just move.

When he reaches 18, he can make the decision on his own, before that it can only express his preferences. You might also be hard pressed to get support if he does move back with you.

But I also have to add, that I think your son needs to understand that house rules apply. While it does sound like his father is a controlling fool, it also sounds like your son is ignoring the rules of the household. Thereby bringing a lot of the problems on himself.

Hello sun:

Yes, you will. However, most judges are able to see the tree amongst the forrest. If your son is better off, I seriously doubt whether a judge will look at the techincal issues.

excon

Ok, no where did I see who has LEGAL custody of the child, I hear who he is living with, but I willl assume you had legal custody of him before he went to live with the father, and the father should have been paying you child support,

So after he moved in with father, did you both go back to court, get legal custody moved over to father and you are now paying some level of child support??

He can live right now with the parent who has LEGAL custody.

Now the dad is extreme but to be honest, if you or anyone was in MY home you would pray before the meal, we pray at McDonalds and everywhere. And of course no rap music is ever allowed in my home either, that is just being a good parent keeping music with curse words from being listened to all the time.

And not attacking the son, but while kids can eat, they can't eat right before a meal, and they have to eat what is served for supper, So if he has been eating before meals and not eating his meals, I can see where rules would have to be put in place.
So just doing this, if the child has been causing trouble over things, I can see the issues.

And God help the child who would stay out all night at a friends without telling me ( so he just thought he could not come home if he did not want to() He would be grounded for weeks, lose use of any computer, music or more if he ever did something like that.

I have read and re-read this, and it sounds like his dad is being a pretty good dad, trying to make a child who is not obeying rules, to follow house rules.

Yes, his father does have primary physical custody but we both have joint legal custody.

I guess I have to disagree with the praying thing. What does it mean if it is forced. You have to lead by example and acting the way his father does is not a good example in my opinion. Asking my son to sit quietly while the rest of the family prays is one thing but forcing him to say words that he says don't mean anything to him I don't agree with.

He doesn't do drugs or drink. He is a good student... however going down hill fast in the environment he is in now. All he wants to do is be away from his dad and home. What kind of family life is that. And the stepmom basically saying he was possessed by the devil? And telling him he is going to hell too? Funny thing is... the dad cheated on me several times which is why I left him. And he cheated on wife #2 with Wife #3. I know, I talked to her after it happened. And now they are all high and mighty. He talked down to me... tried to make me feel like I was worthless... just as he does to my son now. You need to build up teenagers and talk to them if you want them to come closer to you... not berate them and force them. The dad's parents did that to him and he left to go into the service when he was 18 and got into drugs, LOTS of women, porn, drinking... and was finally dishonorabled discharged from the service.

Yes. I agree he needs to follow house rules but he needs to be allowed some freedom to be his own person too.

Excluding him from last nights "family" dinner really pissed me off and it did him too. His little sister is in town and I would think that they would want to go "as a family" and try that to reach out to him but they use this "no church, no dinner" excuse which is ridiculous to me. He told me he has noodle ramen that he is allowed to eat and that is about it.
Of course, he is probably stretching the truth but his dad has been pretty impossible with me too. There are only two flights out of COS to MSP. And, of course the cheaper ones are not on Saturday. I have been paying one of my son's friends to take him to the airport because he dad won't get up 1/2 hour early one day to get him there. And, the dad will drive to Denver to get his daughter but won't for my son. There are many more flights to/from Denver and way cheaper. He wants to make me have to pay the highest fare possible.

What I feel his dad is doing is pushing is to the point where when he does move here... he won't care if he sees his dad... for a VERY LONG TIME> He has told me that already.

SAD.

Oh definitely, the father is alienating the son. But I agree with Chuck that he is probably bringing a lot of it on himself.

But since he has legal physical custody, then you need to file a petition to change that. But once he's 18 he can live where he wants.

He might consider sitting down with his dad and explain to him that he doesn't believe the same way his dad does. That he feels very left out and constrained by the way his father treats him. Have him tell him that if things don't change, that once he's 18 he plans on moving back in with you. The father may decide to let him go.

Once he is 18 he can up and move himself. Until then he needs to learn that rules are rules there is nothing illegal going on. So what if he dosen't believe what he is saying in prayer he can just say the words and get on with it. I do agree that he needs to sit down with his dad and have a talk about what's going on and ways they can mend the relationship. This is especially true since he will be 18 so soon and it isn't likely you'll get much accomplished in court before his birthday.

To try to answer the child support question. Its really going to have to do with the courts. If your child waits till he's 18 and chooses to live with you and goes through his last year of high school in your area then the courts may see it as him being emancipated for making the decision to move on his own. If that is the case then you won't be entitled to child support unless you can get the courts to find differently. Some states have CS running till a child reaches 21. Really what your going to need is a lawyer to talk to that can be honest with you about the situation at hand and can make honest recommendations.

At 18 he can go and live where he wants, but that will not change the child support, for that you will have to go back to court and fight for it.