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    7 year old daughter said my boyfriend pulled her panties and pj's down then back up

    Asked Dec 23, 2011, 11:53 AM 12 Answers
    My 7-year-old one morning woke up to say that my boyfriend in the middle of the night pulled down her underwear. Concerned, I told him he needed to leave because that was a serious accusation, and I had to protect my children.

    So her brother told the teacher who, in turn, told social services and the detective. The detective interviewed her, and she said in the middle of the night, he moved the blanket which woke her up and pulled her underwear and pj's down and then pulled them up and told her to go to bed. She doesn't wear these pj's often, so it happened months ago.

    Now in no way do I think my daughter is lying. However I think this might be taken out of context as it might have happened when he carried her to bed (a bunk bed that's hard to put her in anyway and these pj's are about 2 sizes to big).

    So the investigation isn't quite over, but I'm pretty sure it's unfounded (from talking with the detective etc.). She was checked out medically and never had any sexual assault. She isn't acting differently or in any way weird.

    He's never been one to change the diapers, bathe them, and in fact has been the only one to MAKE them (I have other children) wear underwear, at least when wandering the house. (I thought that was a good thing, as my children have never been worried about it, but he was worried about them in front of windows etc.)

    So I'm dealing with child services, and my boyfriend is still not living with us, but I want to know if anyone has dealt with this? Will he continue to not be allowed to live with us (through child service's point of view), even if nothing inappropriate happened? I trust/ed him and could never see him doing this, but I know my daughter isn't making it up.

    Am I being irrational to think this could be a misunderstand?

    Last edited by Wondergirl; Dec 23, 2011 at 12:17 PM.
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    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,513, Reputation: 4591
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    #2

    Dec 23, 2011, 12:22 PM
    My honest opinion - well, you asked. I think you are being irrational.

    I see two problems - he moves back in with you but now he has issues with your daughter for accusing him. If it's TRUE he now can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants.

    You believed enough of it to throw him out when she first told you. Now you are questioning your initial reaction.

    Where is your child's father in all of this? Have you scheduled your daughter for an interview with a Therapist who SPECIALIZES in child abuse - that Therapist can get to the heart of this matter, no muss, no fuss, no mistakes.

    Your job is to protect your children, not make excuses or wonder about what could have happened.

    No, I've never dealt with "this" - BUT I HAVE dealt with the Court system and have a good idea how it works.
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    eightlilheavens's Avatar
    eightlilheavens Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Dec 23, 2011, 01:24 PM
    Yes she saw a doctor and therapist and detective as well as the social worker. I threw him out to protect my child. Until it was investigated. And yes I started questioning it after the detective and therapist and doctor talked to me. It didn't happen the night I thought it did and things started not adding up. Your right it COULD happen. But so could the next man in my life COULD do something so could a teacher or another caretaker. My ex said what if she would have said it about me, your mom, dad, your brother or you?? So I started thinking what IF she said I did it? All of my family thinks this is ridiculous and taken out of proportion (from talking to her) but I'm scared to mess up and make the wrong mistake.
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    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 61,894, Reputation: 5755
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    #4

    Dec 23, 2011, 01:38 PM


    One thing you didn't mention at all was what did your boyfriend say? If he said it never happened, then I would be inclined to believe your daughter (especially if the therapists believes her) and get rid of him.

    However, if he came up with a plausible explanation, maybe he was adjusting her blanket and the PJs came down (you said they were too big). Or some other reasonable explanation. You did say he did other things that is contrary to pedophilia behavior.

    So, if the investigation comes back that no charges are brought. You might allow him back. But if you do you tell your daughter if anything close to that happens again, she needs to scream.
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    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,513, Reputation: 4591
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    #5

    Dec 23, 2011, 02:05 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by eightlilheavens View Post
    Yes she saw a doctor and therapist and detective as well as the social worker. I threw him out to protect my child. Until it was investigated. And yes I started questioning it after the detective and therapist and doctor talked to me. It didn't happen the night I thought it did and things started not adding up. Your right it COULD happen. But so could the next man in my life COULD do something so could a teacher or another caretaker. My ex said what if she would of said it about me, your mom, dad, your brother or you??? So I started thinking what IF she said I did it? All of my family thinks this is ridiculous and taken out of proportion (from talking to her) but I'm scared to mess up and make the wrong mistake.

    Life is full of what "could" happen, what people "could" do.

    You know your child. You know the man. It's your choice.

    My concern - again - is now that she's accused him, there's been a lot of commotion - what happens if she accuses him again, either correctly or incorrectly?
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    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 75,733, Reputation: 7219
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    #6

    Dec 23, 2011, 02:23 PM


    Yes at this point, he was thrown out, he would stay out since you did not trust him enough at that point.

    There is no way to know for sure, and again, you have never said what the boyfriend said about it.
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    eightlilheavens's Avatar
    eightlilheavens Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Dec 23, 2011, 04:39 PM
    He said he doesn't know what she's talking about. He said Idk if she had a dream or if it was from the morning I got her ready for school and she refused to get ready so he "helped" her get ready. (In which I was there for that event) He said he can't remember anything that would stick out in his mind that she would think that. (and who knows WHEN this happened as the pj's she was wearing she hasn't worn very many times maybe 2 handfuls) Something I was asked if she was acting different. She actually can't understand why he had to leave. Asks when he's coming home from work (as all the children seem to think he's at work)asks if she can talk to him on the phone when he calls or texts. Still calls him daddy Scott. And as for whoever said I kicked him out for a reason. The reason being was because I felt the need to protect my child from A. Humiliation of being able to talk to me. B. I didn't want my kids taken away (as I've known someone who allowed that person who was prosecuted to be around after he got out of jail) C. To protect my child IF something did happen. I trusted him, but believe my daughter. No matter what I will side with her. She is my everything and most important thing. I didn't want her to think I didn't believe her IF something happened more. I wanted to make sure her saying this wasn't the tip of the iceburg so to speak. I have talked with a social worker (his ex that he has a daughter with) and she has told me once the investigation is over I will have the choice to let him back. My problem is I don't want my daughter to feel in anyway I am putting her feelings behind his or my own. I was told to have someone (a counselor) talk with her to see how she feels about him being back home. I as well need my own counseling in how to make sure I can be the best mother I can in protecting them. I don't want to be viewed a bad mom or doing the wrong thing. I'm trying to get as much education about this as possible so I can make the best decision for my family. Thanks for the answers and support!
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    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,513, Reputation: 4591
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    #8

    Dec 24, 2011, 04:54 AM
    I see nothing but excuses - for HIM. Originally the story was: "Now in no way do I think my daughter is lying. However I think this might be taken out of context as it might have happened when he carried her to bed (a bunk bed that's hard to put her in anyway and these pj's are about 2 sizes to big).

    Now this happened when there was some difficulty in getting her dressed for school.

    If you've decided to let him back in, why don't you just admit that, stop making excuses, stop asking for opinions. I see no sign whatsoever that he is NOT coming back.

    I STILL don't understand why, when originally accused, he couldn't remember any such incident but now - surprise! He does.

    And the social worker you spoke with or the child spoke with is the boyfriend's "ex." I don't think she sounds terribly neutral here.

    And I'll ask again - where is your child's father? If word of this gets to him and he wants custody and the boyfriend is back in the house, brace yourself for a very long, expensive hearing - whether ot not the criminal courts find him guilty or drop the charges or anything in between.
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    Tarajio's Avatar
    Tarajio Posts: 19, Reputation: -6
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    #9

    Dec 25, 2011, 08:38 PM
    If you think your daughter is in no way lying.. then there's the truth.
    It happened.
    It may not have went any further - but it happened.
    It must have been more than her big pajamas moving about if she says he woke her up in the middle of the night and did it.
    First thing, you need to find the exact truth. Exactly the way it went down.
    Many, many, many, people get big surprises with people in their life that do things like this - and they would have never dreamed it would've happened.
    Think about that if he carried her to bed - wouldn't that be different from waking her up in the middle of the night ?
    It will be very difficult for you -- but somehow, find out the real truth.
    I know a lady who let a man come back into her home after he was accused - and her children were taken away from her.
    If your child is not lying.. what then ? Could it be that, she's telling it like it is ?
    I feel badly for anyone that accused wrongly in situations like this (seen that, too) - but the real truth is there.. just need to find it out... it's imperative.
    Without knowing, could you ever have a relationship with him again ?
    If he did it, he will NEVER admit it.. so you've got your work cut out for you... and if you're daughter feel like you're getting mad at her because she doesn't say the words you want her to say, then she might say them just to please you.
    Peronsally, I would have to find a way to the real truth... somehow/someway.
    That is the key.
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    Tarajio's Avatar
    Tarajio Posts: 19, Reputation: -6
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    #10

    Dec 25, 2011, 08:43 PM
    Oh, one more thing. I don't know the laws in your State.. but in my State, your boyfriend would be in jail right now whether guilty or NOT guilty... all a minor has to say is that he did something inappropriate.. a touch.. a gesture.. suggestive talk.. all it takes is an accusation - that's all.. and if it was reported to a school councelor in my State, the authorities would've had to be called in.. the DA would take it from there.
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