My 14 year old stepson has stated to us and his mother that he wants to come live with my husband ( his father ) and myself. My husband and his ex divorced about 9 years ago and he and I have been married for 5, together for 7. Right after the divorce hubbys ex moved ( with the son ) across the country to South Carolina. They now live in North Carolina ( we live in California ). They have joint legal and physical custody, but because of the distance that works out to be every other holiday ( Thanksgiving & Xmas ) and summers. However, up until a year ago we only saw my stepson once a year on "our" holiday because he was in year round school. My husband has ALWAYS paid his child support and keeps in touch with his son as much as possible ( he is military so he's not always here, however he is on shore duty now so no more deployments & he retires in 2 years ). The mother had been single all this time until she got married back around Jan. of this year and is now divorcing that guy. I am a stay at home mom, we have a 15 month old and another on the way in Jan. My stepson is an awesome big brother, and it makes me so sad to think that my kids won't really get to know their big brother if he doesn't come to live with us.
When my hubby talked to his ex about this initially of course she was totally selfish and was all " over my dead body" etc. But then when he was here this summer, they talked about him moving out here over Xmas break. Now she's back to saying " no way " and being totally closed to the subject. We even said she could have BOTH holidays with him this year since this would be a permanent move. At 14 years old a boy NEEDS a positive male influence in his life and he does NOT have one there. I believe my hubby has a right to be with his son before he is 18 and off on his own. The big problem is that we cannot afford a lawyer & really don't want to put my stepson through a big court battle. It's so frustrating. The mother is just being selfish and only thinking about how much she will miss him, no matter that my husband has been missing him for 9 years! She doesn't have much time to spend with him as she works ( not that she should be condemned for working ) & is also constantly babysitting her 4 year old grandson ( her daughter's kid, she is NOT my hubbys bio child & is 21 ). I am a stay at home mom, I can be here on his days off school, and help him with homework after school. I just don't know what to do. My husband and I are good people and it seems like the system is totally rigged in favor of mothers and totally screws good fathers like my husband.

I don't have any legal advice, but I think that it would be great if he could come live with you.

Would the stepson writing a letter to the judge help? After all, he is 14 and old enough to decide who he wants to live with.

I'm not a legal expert, so please hang on, check back a lot, I'm sure someone with legal experience will be along soon to answer your question.

I wish you and your hubby good luck, I hope it works out for you. :)

I'm not a lawyer, but I have been talking with a few laywer family friends aboutt his type of situation, because if it turns out we're not able to get custody on my stepson, we wanted to know when he'd be able to have an opinion and the courts acknowledge it. I was told that in VA a child has to be 11 or something to have his own opinion on the matter for the judge to recognize it and make his/her decision based on the child's desires.

I understand how it is to deal with a y ex, as I've had to do it for over two years now (since before my stepson was born). She's flipflopped on everything and when she doesn't get what she wants she uses my stepson as a bartering tool and its not fair on him at all. The easiest thing for you to do, even though it won't be THAT easy, is to go to court with the matter and have your stepson make the request to the judge.

Either that or tell him to make his moms life a living hell till she gives in. JUST KIDDING on the last one. :)

I have to disagree in part with the answers that have been given.

In Virginia, like in every state what the Judge will or won't hear is up the Judge. I know in Virginia that there is not a set age, I have never heard of a set age in any of the states. The Judge I was with said she wouldn't even think about hearing what the child said unless the child had an attorney and they were over 13.

Judges will never order or make a ruling based on what any child desires. What the child wants is sometimes very different from what is best for them. A Judge may however listen to what the child thinks and the child's reasons for wanting the change.

I think the OP's best option at this point is to get an attorney to draft papers changing the physical custody. Then when the mom is ready give them to her to sign. At that point there would be no courts all you would have to do if file them. Maybe even ask her to try it for one school year; if it doesn't work then it’s not final. (I don't agree with this because it seems disruptive to me, but it might work for your family)

First, I have heard of at least one state ( I forget it off hand), where there were stautory guidleines for judges as to what ages they could listen to a child's wishes. As I recall the statute it basically said, that barring compelling evidence against the move, the child's wishes should be granted.

But that really doesn't help the situation here.

I wanted to comment on one thing the OP said; "The mother is just being selfish and only thinking about how much she will miss him". Playing devil's advocate, I would suggest that the father is being selfish by wanting his son with him, even though it means uprooting him from school, frriends etc.

I'm just trying to point out there are two sides to this.

But the bottomline is a court has to decide to make any change in custody. If the current custodial parent objects there will be a battle. So your husband has to decide whether he wants his some living with him enough to go through this battle and its costs, both emotional and monetary. The mother will have to make a similar decision.