I graduate on a Saturday in June and someone who I thought was my best friend decided to get married on this same Saturday. I informed her that the time of my graduation was at 12:00 and politely told her I would like to attend her wedding so would she mind having it later in the day. She told me she planned to have the wedding at 12:30. She then told me I could come to the wedding late.

She was supposed to be in my wedding in April but backed out several months before the event (she backed out of my wedding by sending me an email telling me she didn't want to be in it). We haven't spoken or seen each other since her email to me. However, she just mailed me a wedding invitation with a new time of 3:30 pm (after my graduation is over). She apparently changed the time after we stopped speaking. Would it be rude of me to go? Was it rude of her to send me an invitation?

Clough

She invited you and she did change the time. I would go. She evidently wants the friendship to continue. I don't think that it was rude of her to send you an invitation.

Her backing out of your wedding by sending you an email and the fact that both of you have not been speaking with each other tells me that she might have some issues with telling people things in person and by being upfront with them. Is she really shy?

Part of the problem with all of this instant messaging and emailing is that we lose the necessary personal element of having to look people in the eyes when discussing something. It is hard to "read" what a person is meaning unless you do that.

If I were you, and if you want to the friendship to be renewed and continue, I would set an example for her by thanking her in person for the invitation and changing the time. I would also let her know, in person, how you feel about the way that she has acted.

You can start by saying something like this: "Hi, (name)! I have a problem, and I'm wondering if you would help me with it?" She says, "Sure." (Puts the ball in her court. Makes her feel good that she can be a part of helping you to solve "your" problem.) You say, "Thanks for the invitation to your wedding and for changing the time!" I have missed seeing you. What I'd like to know is if you can help me with ways you and I could communicate better. Do you know of some ways that we could do this? Then, suggest ways that you have thought of and ask her what she thinks of them.

It is a way to discuss your communication issue without you coming on as being aggressive or intimidating by blaming her.

I hope that this is helpful to you.

Fr_Chuck

Yes you should go,

Green Eyes

Maybe I should have mentioned that she sent the invitation to my parents house addressed as follows:

Mr. and Mrs. Parents of Green Eyes
Green Eyes & Her New Husband
Green Eyes Younger Brother

She didn't even bother to find out our new address after our wedding nor did she have the decency to send us our own invitation.

iscorpio

Is not about rudeness, is about whether they are a true friend or not, whether you want them as a friend, examine your feelings and follow what your inner self tells you. Take care, love and peace anne x

RubyPitbull

No, to both questions. Why would it be rude of you to go, or rude of her to send you an invite? Sorry Green Eyes, but those questions just don't make sense to me. There is something deeper going on here with you, and I am afraid you are not going to like what I have to say. Please understand that I am doing this to get you to think this through properly. I will explain below.

Green Eyes, it sounds like you are still upset over the way she backed out of your wedding. Obviously, what your friend did was very rude. Non-communication for all this time made the situation even worse. Did she solely back out of being in the wedding party? Did she attend your wedding as a guest?

I am wondering if you possibly were a wee bit demanding of her time or said something that you don't realize you said, that might have upset or hurt her. After all, you state you are best friends. It doesn't make sense that she would back out of your wedding the way she did without speaking to you about it unless something happened and she couldn't handle talking to you directly about it.

The other thought that comes to my mind is, are you absolutely positive that she was aware of the date of your graduation when she set her wedding date? The fact that she pushed the time of the wedding back to accomodate you and your graduation should tell you that she cares enough about you to go out of her way to do this for you. If she didn't want you there, she would not have done this. So, she does want you to attend her wedding.

Please stop picking this apart psychologically and looking for excuses to be angry with her (such as where the invitation was sent), to find a valid reason for you not to attend her wedding. Because that is what appears to be happening. It seems to me that you are still angry with her for backing out of your wedding the way she did. Yes, it was not kind. But the only way you are going to get down to the bottom of all of this is to stop looking for hidden meanings and questioning everyone around you except for the one person who can give you the answers you are looking for. Clough suggested you speak with your friend and have a straightforward discussion with her. That is a very good idea if you are at all interested in clearing the air, and you want to find out why she chose to back out of your wedding.

Is it possible for you to find it in your heart to be the bigger person here?

The bottom line is, if you don't want to speak with her and you don't want to go to the wedding, don't go. Stop driving yourself nuts looking for excuses. If you do want to try to salvage your friendship, then go to her wedding.

If you want to salvage your friendship, speak to her about how hurt you were when you feel the timing is right. The "timing" being either now, or after she returns from her honeymoon. Do not bring this up during the period of time between a month before the wedding through to the end of the wedding reception. That would be in poor taste, and it drive a wedge further between the two of you.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

lacuran8626

I would go to the wedding and focus on why you were friends to start with. When all the wedding stuff is over and things have settled down, meet her for lunch and share that you value the friendship enough to have wanted to be there for her wedding, and to have missed her at your own but that you feel hurt and confused. Leave anger and irritation out of it and see if you can patch things up - if you can't, given your current feelings, you haven't lost anything. I say wait until the wedding stuff is over simply becuase it's a crazy time and everything gets blown out of proportion surrounding a wedding. The bride may often feel very emotional or pressured, and may have a bit of an attitude of entitlement for people to treat her in a special way - some take it further than others. By waiting until the wedding is over, she can't accuse you of trying to ruin her wedding and you'll avoid a lot of drama.

shygrneyzs

Sometimes we have to be the better person when we do not want to be. We want to hold on to some anger, some hurt, some resentment and dish it back. But that was in grade school. So it is really time for you to swallow whatever bile is still in your throat concerning your girlfriend and overcome your ill feelings.

Be content in your own marriage, be tickled pink to be graduating college and looking forward to a new career, and be happy (for real) that your friend is getting married and that she did change the time of the ceremony. She obviously wants you there. There is a fence to mend and going to the wedding and being a part of a joyous occasion is part of that mending. You can tend to the rest later, when you both can sit down and talk like adults.

Good luck to you and to your friend. Have a great life and share that with your friend.

Lillian42

If you want to go then I would go. She would not have sent you an invation if she would not have wanted you to come. Maybe she had to have the wedding on that day do to many things maybe it was the only day the priest was available or the reception hall was open. As far as her sending it to your parents maybe she just didnt know your address and where you were she is prob busy planning a wedding and just wanted to invite you and make sure you got the invitation so she sent it to your parents.

NowWhat

I think she just wants another wedding present.