My wife and I do not care for my mom's boyfriend. I won't get much into him but we don't care to have him as part of our lives. We aren't rude but we just avoid him when possible. I don't believe my mom wants to be with him anymore but she has a hard time hurting someone's feelings, so they are still "together" (at least in a on again, off again manner).
Recently we had a baby and he sent flowers. I didn't even want to accept them but it is an exciting time and he wanted to be nice (I guess) so I didnt say anything. Then my wife had a birthday and he sent a card with a little money.
We don't want the money or anything else from him. We don't want him to try to buy our affection. And we don't want him to even try to hold or hug our child.
How do we return the money and let him know that we aren't interested without creating a huge void with my mother?
Redhed had a great point. If he ignored it would you have equal distaste for the situation? And, donating the items was my next suggestion.
You need to decide if you want him to know of the rejection and accept the negativity that will follow. Or if you would more just like to wash your hands clean and forget about it.
It is hard when you have distaste for someone because they really can do no right. Just know that the core of a human cannot be all evil. My mother and I do not talk for many very real reasons. She recently sent me money and a package. I donated the items, asked for them to provide documentation and forwarded that to her with a sincere thank you for her donation, with an address where she can send it directly in the future. She was made aware but not given enough ammunition to lash out.
You can give it to your mother, so not to start a situation with the man. She will be aware of what happened and probably bring it up when they do separate.
Finally, you can enjoy the gifts. View it as something you deserve, and re-pay the favor when he has reason to celebrate. You can form a friendly "gift war" even in a tense relationship.
I'm sorry. I was also going to say. I try to think what my grandma would do too when in a bad situation.... If you don't want incident. You can accept them and make no further mention of it. This lack of gratitude may also make him less likely to do it again.
Just to clarify, the money was a birthday gift given to my wife, not for the child. I was hoping he would not acknowledge the birth or my wife's birthday.
I plan to donate the money but I also want to find a way to stop him from attempting to be a part of my child's life. I don't want him to hold her or anything else. Is there a tasteful way to do this? Should I address it with my mother and have her talk to him about it?
I have seen his desperate attempts to get affection from my nieces and it mostly just creeps me out. He comes off as trying to force a great relationship. I want to nip this in the butt to prevent it from happening in the future.
Sorry for focusing on the gifts. I will trust your judgement of the man for the sake of answering your question as you asked it.
There is no direct way to do this without confrontation. But it is within your rights to address it directly through him or through your mom. But feelings will be hurt and you risk an argument or estrangement.
The other option is to simply not be available. When he is present, keep tension high. If he is so eager to bond with children, he probably is already uncomfortable or socially awkward. Much in the way a person will play with a dog or play on their cell phone in a public situation. They are aiming toward a neutral ground to appear too busy to join the adult conversation. Whisk the baby off to bed, feeding, or diapering when he is present. When he asks to hold the baby change the subject or create a moment in which his request is lost. However, this may make it difficult to isolate your mother so she can still bond with the baby.
Sorry for focusing on the gifts. I will trust your judgement of the man for the sake of answering your question as you asked it.
There is no direct way to do this without confrontation. But it is within your rights to address it directly through him or through your mom. But feelings will be hurt and you risk an argument or estrangement.
The other option is to simply not be available. When he is present, keep tension high. If he is so eager to bond with children, he probably is already uncomfortable or socially awkward. Much in the way a person will play with a dog or play on their cell phone in a public situation. They are aiming toward a neutral ground to appear too busy to join the adult conversation. Whisk the baby off to bed, feeding, or diapering when he is present. When he asks to hold the baby change the subject or create a moment in which his request is lost. However, this may make it difficult to isolate your mother so she can still bond with the baby.
Whatever happened to honesty? I agree with J_9. What's wrong with this guy?
If there's a problem, address it - with your mother, with the boyfriend.
I see game playing as accomplishing nothing.
OP's "feelings" aside - he has no right to dictate who dates his mother and the other way around.
I doubt the mother would put the child in danger for the sake of the boyfriend so I really don't see the problem.
i have made it clear to my mother my feelings about this guy. He has a checkered past, provides conflicting information about himself, and always claims to have a "deal in the works" but won't have any money until it goes through so my Mom is stuck paying for everything.
If she wants to date the guy, that is fine. She is grown up and doesn't need me to tell her what to do but I was just hoping someone had some good advice for keeping him away from my baby without creating a bad situation.
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