Gift Giving for a Destination Wedding

Destination weddings are notoriously expensive for the guests; it's my understanding a lot of brides and grooms try to mitigate the costs by providing group meals, or reduced hotel bookings. Some don't expect gifts.

But in my opinion, despite spending the large amount of money on attending, you should still buy a gift. Attending the wedding was still optional, and you decided to go, despite the cost. It's not really "fair" to the couple to not get a gift because you think you spent too much on getting to the wedding.

I would still buy a gift, but in this case I think it's ok to spend less than you usually would. We give gifts at weddings to help new couples out, and as a way of saying congrats; so perhaps you can find something that is less money than you would usually spend on a gift. For example, don't buy the $100 Waterford Crystal wine glasses, buy the $50 silver platter.

One more thing; you should also consider how close of a friend this is, and how strapped for cash you are. If this is someone you've known for 30 years and buying a gift would break the bank, maybe you can speak to the bride (or groom) about your situation. Maybe you can offer your help with something else. Like moving them into their new place, or painting their living room.

Enjoy the wedding, and try to make it a mini-vacation, if you can!

Okay, I'm fascinated by this question. I never considered the possibility that anyone might think of giving a lesser or no gift because they are spending money to attend the wedding.

Why is the couple holding the wedding at another destination? Will this be a large wedding or a small gathering?

I imagine that this couple will be spending a fortune on the event, including extra expenses for guests that don't live in the area.

I am from new york, but I live in florence, italy. My boyfriend of 6 years is italian. In the near future we will probably be engaged, and we are most likely to get married here in tuscany. Any of my family and friends that want to come will have to fly in from the states - new york, d.c., florida, california... His family and many of his friends are from the south of italy, so they would have to fly in or take night trains, too. Most people would probably be staying here for a week. We would make arrangements for the accommodations, trips into florence and diverse evening barbeques, but we wouldn't be able to afford plane tickets or hotels, etc. Too. If they can afford it and they want to come, we will be thrilled. But I would feel very weird if all of them gave little gifts, gifts worth half of what they would have given us, or no gifts. We will be spending a fortune. If the friends or family can't afford the trip, they will be missed, but of course we would understand. We just don't have another option on location. This is where we have been living together for 5 years.

I think that one thing to remember if you're deciding to go to a wedding that is held in a fantastic vacation destination is that although you are spending money on the actual trip, you are also getting an incredible trip out of it. You're benefiting from the experience, too. If you can't afford the trip and a proper gift, I think that you should either decline the invite and send the gift, or you can get creative (as jillian was suggesting at the end of her post) and offer something that you can give them that is just as valuable in another way. We have a handmade iron furniture and lighting design company. When we've been strapped for cash in the past, we have given handmade pieces that we knew they would like and use instead. That's okay, but a little gift or no gift could create friendship issues later on.

I think having destination weddings is a little "diva-ish" of a couple. You must think you are pretty important to ask people to go to that much effort and expense just to attend your wedding. Sure it may work out that you make that your vacation of the year, but how many can afford that or want their vacation dictated by a wedding.

I think weddings in general are over the top, and this romantic "I'M THE CENTER OF ATTENTION" fairy tale bologna is so silly. I was married in 1980. I had a small church wedding with 4 attendants. It would have even been much smaller if it was up to me because I did not know half the people there. Distant relatives and friends of my parents, etc. I was 22 yrs old and basically just going along with the flow of what my mother and mother in law wanted. My attendants were my 2 sisters and 2 best friends. Even then, I knew that asking people to buy a dress to wear one time was asking a lot, so they better be people that really love you.

Frankly, I wished people spent half the time, money, and effort they put into having a wedding into learning how to have a successful MARRIAGE.

BTW, I personally would not want to get a gift, but I bet my husband would want me to. You know, "keeping up appearances."

My niece got married 2 years ago, and our gift was never acknowledged. I would never bring this up to my sister because she would be horrified. She is cut out of the same cloth as me that no one OWES you anything so if they do something for you then you sure better thank them. This makes me wonder if the bride even notices if you gave her a gift or not. I know I did not check my gifts against every guest to make sure they gave me something.

I take some offense to the comment that couples who have destination weddings are "diva-ish".

As someone who had a destination wedding, and as someone who has been a guest at a few, I can hopefully shed some light on why people have them.

There are a number of reasons. For one, if the bride and groom are from different parts of the country, destination weddings give both families a neutral site. Additionally, certain destinations can have special meaning for a couple. My husband and I vacationed for many years on the beach that we ultimately got married on. Finally, many couples have weddings that are away because they want the event to be small and intimate. Weddings in a couples' home city can often end up becoming large unmanageable events that the couple feels obligated to invite everyone they -- are their parents -- know to. If you are being invited to a destination wedding, odds are the couple considers you to be a close friend. Additionally, everyone I know who has had a destination wedding has marveled at how they actually were able to spend time and truly celebrate with their guests. It's a completely different experience than having a big hometown affair.

I agree with the comment above that if the trip will be a stretch for you, it shouldn't be a question of whether you get a gift, You just shouldn't go. The couple will understand. When couples make the decision to have a destination wedding, they do so knowing that not everyone they'd ideally like to be there will be able to attend because of cost.

On the topic of gift giving, I'd say that some gesture should be made at the very least. If you do not spend the usual amount of money that you would on the gift, that's fine and the couple will probably expect that. But at the very least give a card, send some flowers to welcome the couple back from their honeymoon, or as the previous poster mentioned, give a gift that's small in price but has some meaning to illustrate that you wanted to express your congratulations. At my own destination wedding,
There was only one guest who did not give us a gift. It is something we will never forget. Not because we cared so much about the gift itself, but simply because she was the only one to do it. If you are asking the question of whether you should give a gift at a destination wedding, keep in mind that you will probably be one of very few people who chooses to go that route and ask yourself if that is how you'd like your friend to remember you. Bottom line, if you are struggling over whether you are supposed to spend an extra $50 for a gift, you probably shouldn't be going to the wedding in the first place because you really can't afford it or because you aren't that close to the bride/groom.

One other tip for people going to destination weddings -- unless there is a very special circumstance, you should stay at the hotels that the couple has secured a special rate at, not at an offsite property. Couples negotiate special rates to help their guests keep the costs down, but they also get on the hook for making sure a certain number of rooms are booked. If too many people stay offsite, the bride/groom will end up paying for the room anyway. It's a bit rude to to the couple to go looking for a hotel room offsite, assuming of course that the event hotel still has availability.

Destination weddings are a lot of fun. They are usually more intimate - no friends of parents whom you barely know, or second cousins that you haven't seen in years. When everyone stays at the same hotel, it offers a great opportunity for the two families to spend quality time together and really get to know one another.

I couldn't agree less about this being "diva-ish". I have friends and family all over the country. If I am invited to a wedding that requires travel, I'd prefer that it be a desirable destination. I know that anyone who invites me hopes that I can attend, but would understand if I couldn't due to either scheduling or related costs.

As for the original question about the gift... Absolutely you should give a gift. If you can't afford a $100 gift, then you can't afford a $1,500 vacation. And besides, if you love someone enough to share in their most important day you should WANT to give them a gift. Gifts are about celebration and love - not about keeping up with appearances (as suggested in an earlier response). If giving someone a gift is a burden then maybe you need to rethink the relationship.

As already mentioned by others, a gift does not have to be money. It can also be a gift of your time and talent.

If you can afford it... Go to the wedding, have fun with family/friends, get to know the in-laws, relax and celebrate the occasion.

If you have a destination wedding you should be grateful people are spending the money to fly/stay etc. To share your special day. If the couple getting married can't afford to put your guests up, how can they expect their guests to pay for airfare and accomodations (discounted or not, its expensive) and give a gift? That's selfish and unappreciative in my book. I'm going to a destination wedding that is costing over 2k in arrangements so you bet I won't be giving a gift. The gift is me being there.

I am attending a destination wedding that is costing me and my husband close to $4000. In a typical wedding, the bride and groom pay for the food consumed by their guests at the reception (hence, guests buy a gift which costs about the same amount as what your meal will cost at the wedding). However, the bride and groom for this wedding will not be paying for the food at the reception since the cost paid for by the guests includes the meal that will be served at the reception. While I feel that the couple is getting a lot of help from their guests to make their wedding happen, I will still likely give them a small inexpensive gift.

In my opinion, couples opting for a destination wedding should explicitly let their guests know that they should not give gifts. While previous postings argue that if you can afford the wedding, you should be able to afford a gift. However, my argument is, what is more important to the couple? Gifts they receive or having their loved ones celebrate their day with them? Furthermore, other posts have also argued that by attending the wedding, you will be getting a vacation out of it. However, what if this is not the type of vacation the guests really want? Perhaps some guests had a specific destiation in mind for their vacation but have opted instead to attend the wedding?

I am attending a destination wedding that is costing me and my husband close to $4000. In a typical wedding, the bride and groom pay for the food consumed by their guests at the reception (hence, guests buy a gift which costs about the same amount as what your meal will cost at the wedding). However, the bride and groom for this wedding will not be paying for the food at the reception since the cost paid for by the guests includes the meal that will be served at the reception. While I feel that the couple is getting a lot of help from their guests to make their wedding happen, I will still likely give them a small inexpensive gift.

In my opinion, couples opting for a destination wedding should explicitly let their guests know that they should not give gifts. While previous postings argue that if you can afford the wedding, you should be able to afford a gift. However, my argument is, what is more important to the couple? Gifts they receive or having their loved ones celebrate their day with them? Furthermore, other posts have also argued that by attending the wedding, you will be getting a vacation out of it. However, what if this is not the type of vacation the guests really want? Perhaps some guests had a specific destiation in mind for their vacation but have opted instead to attend the wedding?

I think that it is downright selfish for anyone to expect "friends" to trek across to anywhere they decide to tie the knot and furthermore, expect them to have gift in tow.

Are they kidding? The whole gift-giving thing has completely gotten out of hand and if any of my friends feel that they should define, qualify or base our friendship on whether or not I could afford to travel to their wedding AND bring a gift then they have just lost a "friend".

That is not what friendship, weddings or marriage should be about. Material things should not define that and people who base their relationships on what others can do for them, are heading for disaster.

Some of the selfish responses here just validates the level of degradation of our society, our standarda and our morals.

For the poster who said that if a person cannot afford a $100 gift then they can't afford a 1,500 trip, well, my response to that is - Couples should not have a wedding they cannot afford, and if a couple cannot afford their own wedding, then how in the world could they afford their marriage?

No wonder the divorce rate is so high.