This is two questions regarding what is appropriate when your wife passes on and about funeral etiquette. My mother passed over the Memorial Weekend n Friday, May 23rd... her 35th wedding anniverisary with my step father. She'd been ill for 2 years and the last 6 months her health declined at a rapid pace. The day she passed my younger brother & his wife AND my step father drove 800 miles to my step father's ex-wife (they'd been divorced for 45 years and had 4 children) funeral celebration service / kayak excursion (she loved kayaking). Was this appropriate for them to go on the day my mother passed. I found this to be an insensitive and callous move.

Also, for funeral etiquette how is the family supposed to sit in the church.. Immediate children in the front and step children in the second row? I believe it should be immediate in the front and step in back.

We each deal with death differently, did they start drive after she died ?
Would she have wanted them to go ?
I have left specific instructions for no sad funeral, I want it uplifted, happy songs and a party after.

If a large enough funeral home, all children up front, step can be closer than bio children at times.
And that is just it, it can depend on the closness of the family.

Condolences for your loss...

I would think immediate children in the front and step in the second row if there's not room for all of you on the front.

People handle death differently. The fact that they went kayaking in remembrance of your mother because it was one of her fave activities wasn't necessarily callous. Sometimes sharing a good time with family makes the initial shock easier.

Especially since it's your brother and he's hurting just like you, he probably needed a distraction. Also, given the fact that she'd been sick and her death wasn't 'sudden', they've probably had time to accept it before it actually happened.

Don't be upset with them. They loved her too. It's just that everyone grieves differently. Death of a loved one is a time for families to get together and accept life actually and to enjoy each other's company.

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Would she have wanted them to go ?
I have left specific instructions for no sad funeral, I want it uplifted, happy songs and a party after.

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So true Chuck... many times people want you to continue "living" after they pass. They want you to celebrate their life.

I'm so sorry about your mom... but we do need more details. As the other posters stated, what were her wishes?

If I understand this correctly, your step father's first wife's funeral was the same day that your mother ( his current wife at the time) passed away. He and your brother (and his family) went to the funeral of the first wife. I would presume your step father had children from that first marriage, who became your step children, correct?

If this is the case it was appropriate for your step father to be at the funeral of his children's mother. It was appropriate for your brother to be there in support of the step-siblings.

The timing, however, was terrible if it was also the same day your mother had passed. It sounds like an impossible situation. There are no etiquette rules for such a horrible circumstance - people just do their best, and hope they do right by everyone.

I would recommend you put anger and upset aside and appreciate what they were trying to do, rather than what they failed to do.

I do see that you likely feel sad that they left you to do this upont he death of your mother. That's not right either, but appreciate that they could not have done the right thing - they could not be both places. Hopefully you will get their support at your mother's life celebration.

We all grieve differently, and it's best to assume the best motives of others and know they would not dream of intentionally hurting you or disappointing you at such a time.

As for seating, there are no hard and fast rules. Normally the closest people site toward the front of the church - the spouse, parents and/or children of the deceased. But this can also include siblings, particularly dear friends, a significant other, grandchildren. It can depend on the size of the family and so on.

As the daughter, you should sit in the front row if you like, or at least in the first three rows. Your step father should be in front. Everyone else can just figure it out - it really doesn't matter, to tell you the truth. People should sit where they feel comfortable - again, we all grieve differently - one child of the deceased may want to sit in front, another might want to sit somewhere less visible to the congretation so they do not feel on diplay in their grief. Personal choices should be respected.

My condolences in this difficult time.

Is your younger brother from the ex-wife or do you share your mother ? This is a very big difference. What is his reason to go to this? Were they close? Was it to support your step-father? Were financial arrangements already made for them to attend the first funeral? Will they be present for your mothers?

The key is to know that everyone handles grief differently.
My good friend, when someone very close to her died, she actually came to my family, we live in another town. We spent all week at the movies, or out to eat. Anything to get her mind off it. Her mother was merciless on her. "You should be here grieving". My friend's pain was just as real, and just as obvious. But she handled it differently. During high emotional times people are quick to put the anger that we all feel during loss at each other.

You may choose to look at it as them both escaping the current emotional stress, as well as attending to prior engagements. If they had not gone we may have a similar question from a family member from that side. The bottom line is no "Right" way in that situation, but trust their grief is just as real, and sincere as yours.

This is from last May - I'm sure the funeral is over and the OP has not been back.

So it is. You've corrected the newbe on two posts. Make sure to pick up your star at the front desk.

Thread closed.

This thread is 5 months old and the OP has never returned. Please remember to check your dates when answering.