Manabo's question https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/ethics...der-26589.html has brought me to another question.

What are your beliefs on who raises your children?
-who has primary care over the children
-who's morals are our children growing up with
-why are material things more important than raising children

I feel like I am fighting a battle all of the time. My instincts and desires want to stay at home with our kids but at the same time I feel as though I should be doing something to earn money (isn't that what's important). It feels like it's a race to see who can get the most stuff the fastest. I stay at home with our 5 children and I feel like some women look at me and think that I'm not doing the women's lib. Movement any justice. Why should staying at home be such a hard decision and why do I feel like we don't get any respect?

Some people have told my husband that we are lucky that we can afford to stay at home with our children, but let me tell you, it is a sacrifice. One that I'm sure (well I hope) will be worth it in the end. He works very hard and is gone a lot so I can be here with the kids. We have everything we need but we don't have a lot of extras. A cash system allows us to have more than if we were to put everything on credit (you save the interest).

One last note about the people that I notice are working, with their kids in daycare. I find a lot of them feel guilty and spoil their kids because of it. Some daycare providers have greater control than parents.

Sorry to go on about this, I just wanted other peoples opinions on family ethics. I do understand that some people are single or for some other reason might have no other choice but to put their kids in childcare. :confused:

-who has primary care over the children
My wife and I. We both work so we found a private daycare for our 2 kids - a lady who cam recommended by friends, she only takes a max of 5 children

-who's morals are our children growing up with
Combination of mine and my wife's. Since we are both on the same page it makes it kind of easy.

-why are material things more important than raising children
Who the heck believes that?? No way. We live modestly and use our money to do things and go places.

Life isn't that hard. :)

* primary care?
My husband and I have primary care of our children. Our oldest daughter is 12 and is in Junior High School. Our youngest is 4 and goes to a preschool in which their cirriculum is accredited by our state.

My mother-in-law is a 4th grade teacher and can tell which children stay at home and which children go to daycare or preschool. She states that the children at daycare/preschool tend to have better social skills and do not have such a hard time in school.

Now, I am not disagreeing with people who stay at home with their children, I am strictly speaking via my mother-in-law who is a teacher. Goodness knows I would love to stay at home with mine, but he LOVES preschool and craves the social interaction he gets there.

* morals?
I have to agree with NeedKarma on this one too.

* material things?
I am again on the same page with NeedKarma. Love and respect are more important than material things.

Thanks for the input Needkarma and J9. I guess the material things bother me because I live in a neighborhood where those things seem to be more important. Everyone is working for the boat, the cabin, the designer clothes, etc. It gets a little frustrating. Maybe because we can't afford all of that but we choose to live as you say "modestly". I partially blame credit card companies. I think too many of us get into trouble with the have now pay later idea, then our families suffer because everyone's working themselves to death.

I agree with the preschool/daycare children being a little further ahead. One of my sons is in preschool and I notice a big difference. I'm not saying it's wrong I just don't think that parents are spending enough time with their kids.

Anyone know what it's like not in the Western World?

Oh, yeah, the old "Keeping up the the Jones'" way of life. We have that around here too. Eventually when I get out of school I will be able to kee up with them, but for now I am happy with what I have. It has also taught my 12 year old lessons beyond her years. She saves and then spends her allowance on things she needs rather than things she wants.

And no, some parents do not spend time with their children. Some put them in to daycare for other reasons.

Although I am on summer break from school, my youngest still goes to daycare because he THRIVES on the struture it provides, as well as the fun summer camp stuff they do. But I spend every other waking minute with him.

I too am interested in the opinions from others "not in the Western World."

You are lucky. There are so many parents that simply cannot afford to stay at home - myself included.
I don't think it's the pursuit of material things, it's more a matter of providing a basic level of living. Even basic expenses add up quickly, and if you are not fortunate enough to make a good salary in the market, it can be very tough.

• If you saw a parent that didn't work, would your first impression be to call them a lazy bum that can't provide for their family, or would you look at them with admiration for being a stay at home parent that spends time with their kids?

I think most people balance their work and home lives, but fact is that most people have no choice but to work in order to provide food, clothing, and shelter for their family.

"You are lucky"-phillysteakandcheese

The reason my husband hates that saying is that he says luck has nothing to do with it. He works hard at a job that takes him away a lot, that he doesn't like so I can be at home with the kids (at least until the youngest one is in school).

If I saw a parent that didn't work would I think they are a bum? That depends on the situation. This is what I believe:
1. a child's physical needs have to be met (shelter, food, clothes). That is the items needed to sustain life. If that means you have to work 3 jobs to give your child(ren) their physical needs then that's what you do.
2. emotion needs have to be met (love, support, nurture, etc). Unfortunately this one comes after number 1. I think it is just as important but not always possible.

If both parents have to work then they have to work. I'm saying that for the most part this is a choice people are making. I think they are choosing to keep up with the Joneses. Tell me really, what child needs a video game, TV, telephone, etc in their rooms. Why can't kids go outside? What happened to kids doing chores or service? I don't think kids need to be paid for everything either. We all have our roles in a family, we all have to add to it. I just want to raise my children to contribute to society instead of take from it. Maybe my neighbors are just stuck up rich people.

If you are a single parent then you really don't have a choice. I don't know what it's like anywhere else but in Saskatchewan the welfare system would allow a single parent to stay at home until their youngest was in school.

This is why I would like to know what other cultures do too. Maybe something works better and we just don't know it. Maybe they have a better balancing act.

Interesting question, aqua. I am also a stay at home mom, although my reasons and circumstances are a little different than most I think.

I consider myself a feminist. My idea of feminism though is that women get to CHOOSE what they want. So staying home with your kids should be a respected choice, as long as it is affordable / feasible. I get annoyed with people who think staying home is not as important... it's a kind of reverse discrimination, not to mention nobody's business what you do in your own family!

I am always going to be a stay at home mom of sorts; not just because we can afford it, but the nature of my profession as a studio artist means that I do a lot of my work from home. Prior to my getting pregnant, I rented a studio space downtown, but now that we have purchased a larger home, I am in the process of setting up a studio right here. Obviously in order to work properly I will need time away from the kids, but I like the idea of being available to them if they need anything, or if a teacher should call from school, etc. I want to be their primary caregiver.

However, as others have said, I do think the socialization of preschool is very beneficial to kids. My 4 and 6 year old are going to our Montessorri school in the fall, and the 4 year old will be going for full days. I also want to place my newborn son in the same school full time once he turns 3.

I totally understand what you mean here. We have money, and because we have money there is a lot of pressure to spend it on the kids. I was criticized by one friend for not allowing my children to have computers and TVs in their rooms. I have just one "communal" TV and game area that everyone has to share. We can afford more, but I would rather see my kids reading, playing outside, using their imagination, etc, than being couch potatoes. And I spend money for the kids in other areas - paying for music lessons, sports, private school, trips, college fund, etc - I think that is so much more important than all these electronic gadgets and video games. Plus I don't want my kids to grow up thinking that just because we have money they are entitled to have everything handed to them. I have too many spoiled friends like that!

Regarding other cultures, I can't speak for countries other than Canada of course, but for recent immigrants living here... one of my good friends is Sikh, and her parents take care of her children while she and her husband work. Another friend was born in Vietnam and came to Canada as a toddler. Both her parents also worked full time hours while her grandparents looked after her and her brother. She actually doesn't even know her parents very well, because they worked so hard in order to make a better life for the kids. That seems to be a real trend among immigrants here, at least the ones I know. Extended family sticks together and shares the burden of raising kids, thus freeing the younger adults to work hard and make more money to support the family. I think one of the differences in western society is that we don't place as much value on extended family, especially grandparents, and don't want our parents raising our kids. We don't want to burden them, or we think we can do better! ;)

Anyway just my thoughts. Once again, very interesting question!

That is true Chava about other cultures having their extended families more involved. I know someone from Yugoslavia and their entire family live in one building. On different floors, but the buiding is just for their family so they can have privacy but are never too far away.

I want to do exactly that... work from home when the youngest is in school. I think it will all work out but what's important to us is that our kids always have someone. I guess that can only work if both parents are on the same page.

Thanks for the compliment.

Anyone from different cultures have any input??

Hi, Aqua,
You Really have a lot of good in-put to your question! Very good questions and good answers.
For my 2 cents worth, at 64 yrs old, married 29 yrs, raised 3 children who now one is married, have a 9 yr old grandson. The other 2 boys aren't married, but have good jobs, working hard. (both my wife's and my first marriage ended in Divorce, after the first 7 yrs). Three yrs later, we found each other!
Why are there commericals now on TV, using Movie Stars, asking parents to spend time around the dinner table with their family? Lots of these on the Lifetime channel.
NO, there is nothing wrong with you staying home with your children!! If you can manage it moneywise, Congratulations, and I am all for it!
There are so, so, many parents who must both work, full-time, some even working 2 jobs, just to make ends meet. Their children are being raised mostly by day-care centers' personnel, and it takes much searching to find one that upholds the parents' views on raising children. I am not against Day Care, only saying that being home, if possible, with a Mom or Dad, is better.
I am of the "old school" whereby parents should be the ones you know where there children are, know what they are doing, and know you they are with! NEVER be afraid to ask, to tell, and say NO to children.
The "newer school" is now full of medications for children, some beginning at 2 or 3 yrs old, filled with much anxiety, with prescriptions being written for children at an alarming rate. Why...
There could be many different reasons, but personally, I think it all comes from how they are being raised; i.e. without their parents around. It is also surprising, in today's world, in the US, just how many parents are just one person head-of-household, without a Mom or the Dad in the family.
Many, many childrens' pregnancies (now about 40% of all girls in the US are pregnant before they are 20 yrs old), I think, can go back to the fact that the parents either can't, or won't, spend time every single day, with their children; asking about their day, what happened today, listening to them.
Today's families, on the whole, are much, much different than "yesterday"; with there being many reasons for it. The fact that "over half the marriages now in the US end in Divorce" doesn't help any.
Sorry this is so long, but this subject is talked about all the time on Dr. Phil, and most all "talk" shows, saying just how much families have "fallen apart".

Well it's not nearly that high, teenage pregnancies is on the decline actually:
http://www.alanguttmacherinstitute.o...g_decline.html

Yes, yes, yes, yes fred, my thoughts exactly. (sorry couldn't comment on your post). You hit it just right.

Some of the things you said about families really hit home. I too come from a breaking home (parents got divorced when I was a pregnant 17 year old) and didn't have anyone to answer to, as my parents were always doing their own things and not really available. I went through many things by myself and I truly want different for my children.

I know in many families both parents have to work to make ends meet. I only hope the ends are worth the means. I think if their needs are being met and the rest is just gravy then it's not worth the sacrifice to work for a lot of extras at your children's expense.

I know you are right about children being medicated. There are way too many diagnoses being done now. I wonder if anyone sees the change in family dynamics and even the change in the diets and exercise children are or are not doing? Hope that made sense.

Thanks for the great answers thus far.

Hi, Aqua,
Your comments really make sense to me.
My brother and I were raised in a small community; about 1 mile from a small town in NW Florida; a farming community.
My father owned a country grocery store, and also raised peaches on a 20 acre peach orchid in the summer time. My bother and I were responsible for helping, selling peaches by the main highway, roadside stand. At that time, 1950's and 60's, made about $3,000 in a summer, or more.
For the Holiday season (Christmas to some and me), we had our choice of one toy, from a Sear's book, and also got clothes.
Going out to eat was a treat, usually in the nearest larger city, where my Dad had to shop some for farm equipment, or pesticides.
Both my Mom and Dad (now deceased) worked in the Store, and my brother and I did, too, when old enough to make change, and write up "charges" for customers for food, feed, etc.
We learned a valuable lesson about money, and just how far it wouldn't go !
Many of today's children have no idea about money, and are not told, when of age, to go out and mow lawns, like we did, for extra spending money. Bought an electric guitar from Sears with my first lawn mowing savings, plus helped buy my first car.
I could go on and on, but today, many children don't know the first thing about expenses, until they are much older, and at 18, try getting a job, making practically nothing.
Both our daughter and son-in-law work full time jobs. He a Supervisor with a celll phone company, and her as Director of Social Services with a nursing home. Their son, our grandson, has been read to, since he old enough to know what pictures were. He is now very bright (more than me! ), has a Red Belt in self-defense, and his parents are very good with him. He attends a Day Care sometimes, but gets what he needs from his parents, too.

Wow, well I can't say I had the same upbringing. In fact mine was quite the opposite. I got whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I knew I could have a little tantrum and my dad would buy me whatever I wanted. I know, sick. He gave me things that he should have given my mother (eg. Leather jacket) and I know this totally disrepspected her. I don't want my house to be anything like what I grew up in. I guess that's why I feel so strongly about my kids growing up to have responsibility, take blame and be strong. I screw up as a mother on an hourly basis but I am trying. My kids will be the ones mowing lawns, shoveling driveways, and not getting into trouble. I am scared to death of what would happen if they didn't have good guidance. I too think that "old school" is the way to go. I hope we raise our kids to be the same way. We have started to teach them the "pay yourself first" idea and all I can do is hope they avoid some of the problems we ran into.

I think in general parents want better for their children but I don't know if we always know what better is.

I am a spiritual person and I feel pressure to make sure my kids know right from wrong. I know it is on the parents to teach their kids these things until they are old enough to be accountable for themselves.

Thanks for the comments.

Forget what anyone says ,you and your husband must decide what is best for your life and no-one else's. My wife and I had this coversation way back when she was pregnant with our first child. We both agreed that she would stay home. We didn't have a lot but they were the happiest times. As the kids(2) got olderr there was more time for her to do more of the things she wanted and once they left the house we cried then said FREEDOM, so the point is no matter what course you take if your comfortable with it stay the course, just always put the kids first. :cool: :)

I've done both - I stayed home full time when my son was small and I returned to work when I recognized it would be better for both of us for me to work and him to attend partial-day care in a group setting. I was judged in both situations both in the way you have been judged and in the way you are judging and casting your stereotypes on working moms (sorry, but you are).

I did not return to work so that I could spoil my son and run up credit cards. I did it to pay for basic expenses, like food and moderate housing. It is a struggle. I operate on a cash-only basis as well, but went through an unexpected divorce which I did not want, but could not stop. People blame and judge me for that as well.

I would suggest that you not worry what others think except yourself, your husband and your children. And, stop judging those who are not able to, or choose not to, be home with the kids full time. It's not always an option and money is not the only reason. Some people need the intellectual stimulation of being in the working world, and it is a genuine and valid need. Most families cannot survive on one income and would have to cut into the bone, not just into perks, if one parent stopped working outside of the home. Some children need more stimulation and socialization that can be provided at home - my son is academically gifted and has ADHD. He benefits tremendously from having all the great resources that his school-district sponsored child care program can provide him, which are additional to my parenting and his father's parenting.

Also be mindful that working mothers do not get off the hook for home responsibilities or being parents. I spend my days working to pay the bills, and my free time doing laundry, cooking, shopping, making costumes, coaching soccer, paying bills, running to doctor appointments, teaching Sunday School and so on. At work, I'm judged for putting a priority on parenting, and outside of work I'm judged for everything else - being divorced, relying on child care and more. I get more than a little irritated by those who act like working is always a choice, and that it is for the sake of luxury. I find it even more inaccurate and irritating when it is suggested that I am a part-time parent. I am no more of a part-time parent when my child is in daycare than is a stay-home parent once her child begins school.

If the child's needs are met emotionally, physically, mentally, socially, intellectually - whether always by Mom and Dad or by Mom and Dad in combination with other responsible people, I don't see why judgement is called for.

You are SO not alone! I completely understand your need for validation. We stay-at-home Moms are often overlooked or unappreciated. I want you to know that you are helping form the Character (not personality) of each of your children every day. Even in the mundane things we Moms do... There is no other more important job today. Just think about it... if you were going to be born tomorrow to a new family, would you choose one where mom and Dad work full time and you are raised by a babysitter? I don't think so. You will never get to the age of 80 and say, "boy, I spent a lot of quality time with our children, but I wish I had worked outside the home instead so we could have had a bigger house... nicer car... ect... You are teaching your children that they are more important than any THING out there. Don't even get me started on Women's lib. And one more reminder. Remember not to put your Husband second to the children. Because to them, the two of you are their world. Teaching them to cherish their spouse some day will be one of the most valuable lessons they could learn. Blessings on you and your family...

-who has primary care over the children

My spouse and I have primary care. Our family is spread out through BC so we don't get that much help from family members. It is something that we are used to and so it does not really bother us. We, I guess I should say that my spouse, has made some compromises with his work schedule so that we would not have to use babysitters and daycare because it is expensive and we just don't trust strangers. I have a 9-5 office job and he works week day evenings and our daughter is in all day kindergarten (which she loves). The year before Kindergarten we put her into daycare Thursdays and Fridays so that she could get more interaction and learning within a group environment that was controlled. I am so glad that I did this.


-who's morals are our children growing up with

Our daughter is growing up with our morals but since we live in a "society" in essence I guess she would be growing up with society's morals. I think that we have been desensitized to a lot of things that would have been considered shocking ten or twenty years ago. Sometimes I have to catch myself and watch more of the things that I am exposing her to and that society is exposing her to. I feel like to be a parent today you have to be more proactive and involved and not just assume that someone is censoring (for lack of a better word) things for you. Working and finding the time to be an active participating parent is difficult but when you thinking about the rewards it is worth it in the end. Balance is the key.

-why are material things more important than raising children

I really don't think that material things are more important than raising children. In the city I live in, just to stay above the poverty line, both parents really need to be working. Both my spouse and I earn a decent income, nothing extravagant but I can definitely tell you that we are not trying to keep up with the jones' we are just trying to keep up with life. Pay cheque to pay cheque is the name of the game. I have a fridge sticker that says "a penny saved is a government oversight". So, we just focus on keeping a roof over our head, food on the table, kids clothed, and the occasional treat; that give us the incentive or motivation to keep on truckin on.

I feel it is fantastic for the woman to stay at home taking care of her family. Don't forget that it also your job to take care of your husband too! In my culture, the extended family is extremely important, something that is easily lost in the U.S.A. I had one child, for several reasons none which pertain to this subject but at the same time I live in a state that people think GOD wants them to have a lot of children the more they have betters their chance to enter the kingdom of GOD. Crazy... In my culture it is common for couples to have two children maximum because more is a hardship for them and the children. I found that I as a working parent could not have more than one because the time, dedication and involvement that child needs is huge. My cousins were 8 and grew up to be adults that resent their parents enormously. One, because they weren't clothed correctly and they did not eat correctly. My one child had everything but nothing in excess. 3 presents at christmas max, 2 at birthday. I spent a lot of quality time with him and so did my husband. Today he is an excellent young man, no drugs, alcohol, works, studies, saves his money. Very good well rounded adult. He also went to Montessori preschool, catholic grade school and then lived in my native country as a teenager returning to the USA at 21. So granted, his most important years were away from this society that in my humble opinion idiotizes its youth. I wish you the best with your five, sounds like your doing fine and forget your neighbors. Don't forget your husband too!