[HelpSkippy]

Lately I have feel like I have become obsessed with self-analysis. I don't know what is wrong with me or if anything at all is wrong with me other than me over analysing everything. But I could really do with some help or advice, whatever you can give...

Basically I'm 24 years old and I live alone in a big city. The thing that worries me most is how glad I am that I don't have to live with people. I seem to have a problem with people for some reason. I mean I just don't like people in the sense that I feel so uncomfortable around anyone who I am not close to. It takes me so long to get to know someone and to really be myself when I am with them. I think this is mainly because I have quite bad social anxiety and shyness. I always feel I need to act outgoing and confident to be accepted, so sometimes I am like that around strangers. However the real me is really really shy and I just can't trust people. I always think the worst of everyone. I think this has come to the point where I have become happy alone. I sometimes go a whole day without talking to anyone which is really sad I know... but I just don't care to be honest. I feel this has led me to become narcissistic in the sense that I think about myself too much. I think I am selfish also. I never give anything to anyone. People have told me how selfish I am in the past during arguments and so yeah they are right. But how do I change when I see no point in changing? I don't get anything from socialising that I can't get by myself. Is this wrong? Most probably yes. I know this is socially 'unacceptable'. I do care about the people close to me but I feel like I am living inside my own bubble so much that anything could happen and it would just pass over my head. Is this narcissism? Or my protection mode? I talk to people and I forget what they say - I think this is because I am always thinking about myself. I guess I am self-indulged in the sense that I take care of my appearance, wear nice clothes etc. I always make an effort when I go outside because I feel like it is 'unacceptable' not to. I am very confused (you can probably tell).

There are so many things going on in my life. I am studying a subject which I love. I am very interested in it and I feel passionately about it. However, the job (when I graduate) will involve communicating with a lot of people and doing things which require a lot of confidence. Therefore I don't know if I can do the job. Ie: I am capable physically and intellectually but I have the wrong 'personality' for it. So what the hell do I do? Quit something I love? I just don't know anymore. I hate the person I am when I am outside with other people, but feel comfortable when I am alone with myself. Ie: I think to myself I have faults yes but I can be a good person and I can do it. But then as soon as I step outside and compare myself to others I just cant. I think what a failure I am and catastrophize the situation.

Growing up, I am the middle child of three (middle child syndrome?? ). My family is not conventional on the inside but it is to the outside world. For example, we lived in a modest sized house with mum and dad. My dad had a relatively good job and earned a decent wage. My mum raised me and my brothers. I would say we were priveledged in the sense that we were loved by our mum and the material possessions which we had. However, our parents had a strange relationship. Very strange. I only recognised this properly when I left home, although even as a child I remember things were not right. My parents never had love. Or that was my opinion. My father was and is very unemotional and shows no passion. My mother would often complain about our father in front of me. When he came home from work for example she would make us aware that his car was outside and tell us to go upstairs. Looking back I think we were quite disciplined and we never questioned this or complained. I would never talk to my father. I was a shy child. Very shy. My father saw this as being unacceptable and I was aware even as a child that he wanted me to be more confident - like a man should be. Like my older brother. Able to order food in a restaurant etc... My mum would get angry if I spoke to my dad about school or anything, so I never did. I listened to my mum more than my dad. I guess I loved her more and I felt that she accepted me the way I was. Things are the same now, I have no contact with my dad, but I still talk to my mum every day. I care for her. She is very shy also but she has many friends and is always helping the community (voluntary work etc). She is a good person and in many ways I aspire to be like her. Anyway, as I said I am 24 years old so I am not about to blame my parents for the way they raised me. I am an adult now and need to take responsibility but I do wonder if my childhood was part of the reason for the way I am?

In summary, I just don't understand what my problem is towards people. I don't trust anyone and I feel happiest when I am alone. But that is not healthy. I have had a long term relationship previously (4 years) and we lived together. It ended 18 months ago however. She was special to me though. One of the only people who actually got to know me, and I messed up the relationship because I couldn't commit the time due to my studies.

Sorry for the long post.

[insomniaticmeat]

OK I have had similar problems in the past still do, I think that it is majorly a confidence issue, from your past it doesent seem like you have had a terrible life but a lot of small issues bild up to create these kind of problems.. im not in any way an expertIN ANY WAY! But my advice is I suppose three steps.
1. be kind to yourself.. if you do one nice thing for yourself every week it will build yourself esteem and self confidence and acceptance, anything at all counts buy yourslef a new shirt, go see a movie you want to see,go to a concert , go for a meal juts do seomething nice, and make sure you do it alone and for you,
2. play to your strengths, everyone has them no matter what they are... think long and hard about what they are and utilize them as much as you can
3. get involved with an activitie outside of work school or whatever, join a drama group or sports club, even put aside some time for community service or volunteer work, you could even combine these last two things to better effect

You need to build yourself esteem and confidence this takes a lot of time , and also you need to be nicer to yourslef.. it doesent matter what others think as long as you are happy with yourself, if you accept the fact your shy and don't like being round people this is OK and it doesent matter as far as work goes because work and private life as separate things.. juts because your work requires you to be out going it doesent mean you have to be outgoing.. we can change to suit or jobs..

I hope I've helped even even a little.. and the fact that your posting this in a way says our completely oki haha

[HelpSkippy]

Thank you for the reply. I think you are right about it being a confidence issue but sometimes I worry that it goes further than this and that I will end up completely alone, which I don't want in a way. That sounds hypocritical I know.

Your advice is appreciated though so thanks.

[insomniaticmeat]

I know exact;ly what you mean haha, but you won't die alone.. that's impossible.. in a way the fact that you are here shows you have some connection with the outside world, juts build on this you know? Genuinely if you are OK with yourslef you will find it easier to to talk to people and socialise and you will know what you want more aswell:)

[skittles001]

Hello. First off let me say, don't think badly about yourself, no matter how " extreme" some of your traits may be. Remember they are your traits, and make up who you are. It is easy to be comfortable alone, there is no on there to impress. And if I were you I would seek some help from a counselor, I do believe what your childhood was like could very likely have an outcome on you here and now life. And its not that you are not an adult, its just that you had a dramatizing childhood. You have already taken the first step by admitting your problem. I believe you should have the lifestyle of someone who is proud of themselves. Be eproud of who you are that is why you are so shy. Like you said you try to be outgoing around other people. Don't, you seem like a very level headed person, which is a wonderful trait. Just accept yourself first. You are making yourself sound bad in your own eyes. Please if you ever need to talk feel free.

[HelpSkippy]

Thank you for the reply Skittles001.

I understand what you mean about being proud of who I am, its just difficult sometimes when I wish I was different.

Thanks for the compliments. People often tell me I lam evel headed so its strange that you said that just from reading my post. Although people then go on and tell me to do 'something crazy' and outside of my comfort zone. I think this is because they want me to be more outgoing and confident but I just can't be like that for some reason. I mean for example people who shout and deliberately draw attention to themselves - it just feels so unnatural and very uncomfortable to me to be the centre of attention. I don't know why really...

Thanks again!

[skittles001]

No problem. I agree with you whole heartedly. If you are not out-going don't strain to be something you are not. Well I hope you feel better, and as I said before, Im here if you want to talk, about anything.

Keep On Livin'