I'm 14. My brother is 16.

My brother used to beat me up, like all older brothers do. A few months back he would punch me in the vagina and say "balls" just as a joke. Then he started accusing me of hairy nipples. Whenever I would say I didn't, he'd say "You can't prove it," to try to get me to show him my breasts. He kept it jokingly, because whenever I asked what made him think that he'd say something idiotic like "The hairs speak to me," or something. He also poked my boobs occasionally. I didn't think much of that.

A few months later (probably about 2 or 3 months ago) we started living with our aunt while our house was getting redone. Everything was jolly and normal. But then one night things got weird. I don't remember the specifics, but I think we were getting along normally and he laid down in his bed and I laid down next to him (as a joke; he never let me anywhere near him since I was a child, like for hugs and such). I had expected for him to push me off or something like that, but in the end his hand was on my breast under the bra. It lasted a few seconds, but then I heard a sound and got out of his bed. I feel stupid now for not doing anything else to stop him.

I only just forgave him a week or two ago for that. Then a few days ago we leave for a vacation. First day of vacation we're on a beach in the ocean. We're talking normal and everything. I forgot how we got on the topic but I revealed to him that I had kissed a girl once (as an experiment; I like boys). He asked who, and I said I'd tell him if he told me who he'd kissed, since he keeps all his relationships secret to the point where my dad thinks he's gay. We both held up our ends of the bargain, him answering first. Then he started getting very intrusive. He asked things like "She went south on you, didn't she?" or "She went south on you, right?" I told him no, but no matter how many times I denied it, he insisted. Then he said "You only go south on yourself then?" I snapped at him, saying none of the questions he asked were any of his business. He said "That's a yes then?" I now realize that was his game--he continually accuses you of things until you reveal whatever it is he asks.

He spent the rest of the day asking questions like "Does wearing a thong turn you on?" "Does it feel better for it to go in or just to rub?" etc. After a while, I just started answering because I figured he'd lose interest soon enough and it would all be over and done with. In retrospect, I should have gotten out of the water and just gone back to the hotel room. I told him that I hated him for touching me last time up until a few weeks ago, and he said "You didn't have any problem with it at the time," and "I planned on going south.."

Now I hate him. I can't stand being around him. He disgusts me. I can't tell my parents, no matter what. The only person who knows is my cousin. She is very sympathetic and kind, but in the end she can't really help other than listening. There's still several days left in the vacation, and we share a room. He is in the room as I am typing this, but he doesn't know what I'm doing. I think he's sleeping. I hope he feels bad for what he did, too, and I don't even feel bad for saying that. Today I told him to leave me alone when he tried talking to me, even just in normal conversation. I've made it very clear that I'm angry with him. I flat out told him that I'm mad at him and I want him to leave me alone, and he says "for now."

I can't help but feel extremely violated and sad all the time, and I feel like I'm never able to get away from him. It's literally on my mind all day, and I can't escape it. I try to be happy in front of my parents, considering they did so much to bring the vacation together and the last thing I want to do is ruin it, especially with a matter like this. I just wish he'd stop trying to talk to me and stop bothering me. One second he does something vulgar, then for a while he tries going back to being a normal big brother. I don't work like that. If he tries anything dirty with me anymore, I will hit him. If he says anything dirty anymore, I will escape his presence.

But I can't forget it, even for a second, no matter how hard I try. Sorry this thing was so long, I really just needed to get it out and tell somebody. If anyone has any advice or tips, I'd appreciate it greatly. But nothing involving telling my parents--not now, and not ever. As it is, I'm doing a three-strike thing. He has two already, if I disregard the very first attempt, which I'm not even sure should be qualified as an attempt. I told my cousin that if anything else happens she has my permission to force me to tell my parents or to tell them herself. She agreed, but didn't consider that she only finds these things out via me, and I could just choose not to tell her and she'll never know, despite the fact that it might make me crazy. So, like I said, if anyone has any advice, I'd really appreciate that. Thank you.