Hi, I am 23 years old. I recently moved in with my most wonderful fiancé "excuse some incorrect spelling, english is not my first language". I am a successful education student and will be graduating at the end of next year. I know I am intelligent and I ussualy do not struggle to make sense of my life. I have concervative parents that do not really see me as depressed, because I have everything I want, as they say, but I did see a pchycologist at the university in 2010, I got help with my issues and emotions and I got anti depressants. My mother soon explained to me that those pills were to expensive so I had to stop using them before they really had time to do what they were supposed to do. That time went over as a phase that I went through, according to people that had to support me. My fiancé went to america for two years that I had to stay in SA, and we survived and are getting married soon. I live off his income until I graduate and get a job. It is like my life is supposed to be perfect, all the plans are working and my fiancé are to open a new buseness also soon. Now to get to my real story, I can not speak to my fiancé or friend or family about the way I am feeling, they do not see it as a disease, it is like they think I pitty myself if I would talk about it, and it would be so aukward and the conversation are cut off. I come forth as a very positive person and I am always cheering people up, but deep inside of me I never really want to do anything, I get fEelings of disgust in myself and I just want to be dead or asleep, not to face reality. I do not have the mony for professional help or medication now. I just want to get a hold of my life, but I can not, inside of myself I am spiralling downwards, I never feel a sense of belong, always this physical disgust in myself and I think so much about suicide, some days I just sit down in one spot and cry for hours, but I will never show it to other people. I don't know what to do. I really feel stuck and restricted with keeping my thaughts so much inside of me. How is it possible that I am such an opertomistic and exiting joyful "mask" of a person and still be this sad and disgusted in who I am and never feel like doing anything, it really does feel like the idea of suicide is my only hope " even if I know rationally inside of me that it is the most selfish act that any one could ever do"

Hi,

First, I'm sorry that you are struggling with all these intense emotions on your own. I am glad that you are reaching out for some help given the fact that you feel quite isolated.

I think it is worth considering the fact that maybe you have some kind of mood disorder. If that is the case, you shouldn't feel bad that you aren't conforming to expectation. Chemical imbalance in the brain can sometimes be at the root of the problem and anti-depressants usually help a lot. Sometimes, it takes time to find the right one. I, myself, have a depressive tendency and have found great relief in taking anti-depressants. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm sorry that you can't talk to your family and that you can't necessarily afford the medication in your current situation. Are there any low-cost options for psychological treatment or medication where you are? I am in the United States and sometimes there are programs to help people afford their medication.

If medication is not an option at the moment, do you have a close friend or relative that you can share your honest feelings with, without fear of judgement? At the very least, you could benefit from real-life social support.

And if that is not easy to find, maybe a confidential hotline where you can speak to someone when you need support.

I will check back after posting this, so feel free to share as you are comfortable. You are NOT alone.

Sending you my best, c